Confessions of an Artist

What is art? What value does society really put on art? Why are artists not viewed the same way as other blue collar jobs? Be it abstract fluid art or 40 stanza poetry, why is such a accomplishment not valued? I don't ask these questions to whine, I'm just confused. In the modern world of Instagram and Facebook, SnapChat and Ticktoc, you would think skill, talent and artistry would be more valued. Rather, it appears to be the opposite. Speaking personally, I have found art to actually be a language of its own for me.

Growing up, living in self-inflicted isolation, I did my utmost to avoid socialization. As a child, I was diagnosed with Alopecia, a condition which caused me to be bald (in varying degrees) until my pre-teen years. Obviously I had to learn to communicate how I was feeling to the world through the use of my hands as it was the only safe way to communicate with others from a distance. At almost every stage of my life, my art has provided a bridge from this outsider point of view I remained in. A language all of my own. To add an even more interesting twist to my story, I have actually learned several dialects of this “language” of mine.

Having learned how to use multiple mediums to speak to the world, I want to relate to others. Sculpting with polymer clay allows me to bring my fantasy world and imagination to reality for all to see and touch. Acrylics and pencils always have allowed me to express my emotions no matter how light or dark they may be. However the ultimate and most precise means of communication is my watercolors. While the other dialects allow me to show others who I am, my watercolors is my means of showing others how I see the world around me. Which, from a point of view as someone who has always been an outsider, it quite different and usually unique. Unbeknownst to me this was nothing more then a coping mechanism for a condition still relatively unknown to others.

I suffer from a condition known as “aphantiasia”. The short definition is that I have no ability to see images in my mind’s eye. This causes a lot of trouble in my attempts to create hyper-realistic artwork but at the same time, it is an amazing gift. It certainly causes some issues in my life, but it also makes sure I can look outside the box and come up with creative ways of looking at things. It also is what compels me to stop and smell the flowers, take pictures of the beauty I see, and do my utmost to capture moments BEFORE they blank in my mind’s eye and memory. Its not that I have no imagination, its that I cant apply it the same way everyone else can. I remember things as though it were written on a manuscript, not actual images, sounds and videos.

If I have one huge regret about my aphantsia its that I can't create the fantasy worlds I want to so much. I absolutely adore high fantasy like LOTR and The Inheritance Cycle. In fact, I bought ever book from The Inheritance cycle as soon as it came out in hard back and read through them each in about 3 days. And that’s saying something because those books are REALLY long. I would like to think I'm a talented artist, but there are limits when you’re dealing with a mental handicap as unique as aphantasia.

When you're starting out in the world, you're looking for affirmation of some kind. You want to know you're on the right track and that your efforts are not all wasted. People like to remind you of the term "struggling artist" as a warning to not follow down the path, but what would life be like without art? Art, music, poetry, enrich our lives. The question we should be asking is why are dead artists treasured while artists still among us left struggling for exposure and attention?

These are my confessions as an artist. Are they what you expected? I hold no bitterness over my struggles however I can't help but shout to the world my questions. I wonder if other visionaries in other fields have the same struggles and issues.