compulsive exercising? how & why can't I stop? How did I get here

I'm going to start this by saying, currently at this moment... it's very hard for me to sit still and write this rather than engage with compulsively exercising. It's hard to recognize that sitting still is much harder for moving for me because it causes me not to be able to use movement as a distraction and essentially as a form of dissociation (more on this later). as you read this, I hope if you identify, you have compassion with yourself and just remember to try your hardest to meet yourself where you are (something I've NEVER been good at/wonder if it will ever become a strength of mine). Let's dive in

I had a yet another impactful conversation in therapy today (which has been the norm within my journey with my recovery team) and during the conversation it was discovered that I use compulsive exercising as a form of dissociation. Now I NEVER thought about that (especially when it was unsafe for me to truly be in the world in my body and mind due to trauma) but when it was said, a light bulb went off. I thought about how I am constantly trying to move because it keeps me from thinking about anything other than moving (and yes I have passive thoughts about my life, my bills, my day, my fears etc.) but none of it feels as important or as overwhelming as the need to keep moving.

In our society people that exercise for multiple hours a day or exemplify movement as a form of discipline are seen as inspiring and successful individuals (a message that has caused me much harm in my life and continues to cause me to struggle with what some decision making skills related to recovery) and although I'm not here to attack anyone or condemn anyone, I do think that that is something that needs to be reassessed and reevaluated in it's entirety.

So what and how was I dissociating from and how did it become a spiral I became lost in (and constantly find myself waking up after months of engaging with it to not know how I got where I am) I'll go with one of the specific examples I shared today in therapy.

I was in school, (13 years old, 8th grade, and in a larger body and was reminded constantly about how it made me less than favorable)

I wasn't popular and I sure as Hell wasn't confident nor did I have community (something I was deprived of longer than I had realized, perks of therapy lol) for the sake of privacy lets use fake names

I had this guy I knew named L.J. and he had a girlfriend named Ciara. L.J. was popular and his girlfriend was as well. L.J. and I weren't friends but we had conversation and we laughed together at times so we were cordial and spoke occasionally. L.J. also had a crush on my twin sis (she was popular and beautiful so this was common) and wasn't a big fan of trying to shoot his shot and missing with my twin. Ciara and I had an art class together and she was sweet funny and kind and we sorta just gravitated to each other as friends. We laughed we joked and we regularly started talking. Now the talk of the school was that I was gay and I was constantly attacked verbally in front of other students just to have them join in and call me names.... like the F word (I refuse to give it air time) L.J. who was once fine with me (and was also one of the ones in due time that called me gay by using the F word as a reference to me while having the other kids join in with him due to his pull and popularity) was HIGHLY upset with the fact that I was now friends with his girlfriend.

After a perceivably good day at school (less bullying than usual and no fire drills where people come up to me to call me gay in front of the whole school, yes this happened at one point) I got off of the school bus and was happy to have survived a day at middle school without having a panic attack or feeling like I wanted to die (yes I mean suicidal thoughts and plans). That ended as I realized L.J. decided to follow me home with a group of kids and threaten to fight me, the gay kid, for being friends with his girlfriend. The moment of believing I was ok (which never lasted long because I was going home to a dysfunctional yet loving family who had toxic tendencies) was immediately ended and I most certainly wasn't safe and was traumatized and scared. this was one of many terrible days for me growing up and this was just one area of my life that was traumatic, school, just to go into another place that was traumatic, home.

Now you may be asking what does this have to do with dissociation and my compulsive exercising. I'll explain.

I never felt safe (and honestly very rarely was). things would seem ok... and then the world would blow up. walking around with a smile I had to muster my absolute everything to try to create, just to be screamed at for smiling and being asked who told me I was allowed to smile and to be reminded in a very real way that that would not be my truth and I wasn't allowed to claim that as such. I started thinking in the back of my mind about survival without realizing that I wasn't present in the real world, but in the fear of the scenarios that always happened and always having to prepare my armor so that I would be able to survive it. This went on for a long time before I found exercise.

One day (after hating my body, hating my image, being told it was wrong and having the world push me into doing something about it) mind you I was only 15.... think about that, I started exercising and following an exercise plan I found on the internet one a site promoted by bodybuilders (one of the people deemed successful and inspiring, mind you the average lifespan of a bodybulider is 48 years) and started out doing an hour, which increased to two then gradually over the years as much as 10+

I thought that I was feeling better because I was exercising for longer periods of time, but I was honestly just keeping myself away from my traumatic and triggering truths in my life. the longer I worked out, the less I was home. The longer I worked out the less I felt (the numbing of over exercising). The more I worked out, the less time I had to think and engage with my emotions because I was always going/moving. I could go on forever (with the life I had, I'm so serious) but you get the gist.

Those events in my past, my trauma, and the inability to know if I was ever truly safe, caused me to need a form to dissociate so that I didn't have to be present in the actual world I was in (that I barely remember in terms of actual feelings, because I wasn't actually there mentally, only physically)

Before you keep pushing yourself with your workouts, adding more time, adding more weight, adding more more MORE, ask yourself what's going on. Having this inner dialogue with myself hasn't stopped the over exercise per say, but it has helped with shifting my mind and understanding how this all started and how it all makes sense, as well as not feeling guilty for wanting freedom for everyone else, but not feeling like I'm allowed to be part of the fat acceptance, and body acceptance movement (more on this mind boggling and mind blowing topic of discussion discovered in todays session)

Thank you for reading this VERY long post, thank you for your support, and I hope it helps. Try your best to take care of yourself, and if you're like me and have no idea WTF that looks like, that's ok, allowed and welcome as well <3