Childhood Verbal Abuse and its Effects on a Child's Future

What is verbal abuse? Verbal abuse, from consumer.healthday.com, is: Name-calling, belittling, swearing, insulting, Indirect criticism, such as disparaging your child to your spouse, rejecting or threatening abandonment, threatening bodily harm, scapegoating or blaming, using excessive sarcasm (Making a mocking remark, such as "Now that was smart" when victim spills juice on the rug). Verbal abuse is a form of abuse that is often overlooked, as there are rarely physical symptoms of the abuse itself. It is not seen as ‘real abuse’ by many adults, and unless you can find proof, many members of child protection around the world will also not see it as true abuse. Verbal abuse can often lead to deep scars, mental issues, and lasting effects on someone's mind as they grow up, and sometimes they don't even realize where these effects come from.

When I was 8 years old, my father married a woman I liked. I liked her at the time, and I lived with my single mother full time, so I rarely saw her. This woman became the mother to my two younger sisters, who I adore. When I was 9, I had to move in with them as my mother fell upon hard times. My dad's job kept him away from home a lot, sometimes from 6 am to 10 pm, meaning that I rarely saw him, and his wife was in control. She would ridicule me for everything, from crying to taking care of my sisters, to cleaning for her unprompted. When I would fall behind in school, which was rare, she made it obvious that she hated me for it. She would make me sit in my room alone in silence, and on some occasions, took everything out of my room except my dresser, bed, and desk. I even remember multiple times when she would make me put the old baby camera in my room so she could make sure I was doing my work, not playing, or not dining on anything she didn't want me to do.

I suffered panic attacks, violent outbursts, and confusion daily after they divorced. I finally had some control over what I was doing and I didn't know how to handle it. I never did my school work since I felt like if I did, I would only be feeding into what she wanted, despite that she was no longer in my life.

She moved in with us again when she was having a mental breakdown when I was 14, and by that point, I had long since realized the problem. I realized that when she was around, the symptoms of my recently diagnosed PTSD got worse. She was living with us now, and she had come back in full force. She wanted to control everything about me, when I went places, what I ate, what I did, how much time I spent in my room, she wanted to have control over me and would scream and shout and spew empty threats until I listened. This led to so many more issues, from eating disorders to depression and worsening anxiety. I almost failed my freshman year of high school because I stayed home so many times to help her with my younger sisters, and she acted like I wasn't doing enough because I never would.

This was barely half of what I went through growing up with her, and this didn't even cover my mother's ex-fiance, and how she treated me as a child. I could write an entire book about the abuse I endured at the hands of that woman. It got to the point that when my dad started dating someone else when she moved in I had to sit down with her when it was just the two of us and tell her everything. I felt like if I didn't tell her, she wouldn't have an explanation for me purposely staying away from her. I did the same for my mother's husband when they started dating, I had to tell him that I didn't mean to be as distant as I was, I was just so traumatized by some of the things that my parent's exes did, that I subconsciously felt unsafe around anyone they were in a relationship with.

This is a much more common story than most people realize. Upon sharing even a fraction of my story for a presentation in one of my high school classes, multiple other people came forward with similar stories. Even a few of them said they suffered almost the same punishments I did, such as being not allowed dinner for a few nights or being locked in a room. While most of us had gotten out of those homes, there were a few of us that hadn't. Three out of the eight of us were still in abusive homes.

One thing that stuck out to me while talking to this group is how many of them had struggled with PTSD symptoms but felt like their abuse ‘wasn't bad enough' to have such a serious disorder. Even victims often overlook their abuse, but the truth is that verbal abuse is just as traumatizing as physical abuse. From an article by William J. Cromie in the Harvard Gazette: “Verbal abuse, the researchers found, had as great an effect as physical or non-domestic sexual mistreatment.” in this same article, researchers found that verbal abuse can severely damage how the victim's brain comprehends relationships and makes it difficult to build new friendships and relationships.

This form of abuse can also cause a range of mental problems, and if the victim was like me and some of my close friends, they may not be able to figure out where these issues originate. Some of these disorders and challenges are anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts or behaviors, substance abuse, self-harm, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, personality disorders, bipolar disorders, dissociative disorders, and maladaptive daydreaming.

PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) is a term that is thrown around, but not many people know what it means, or what it truly entails. Mayoclinic summarizes it best by saying: “Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it.'' Generally, the base form of PTSD is from a one-time event, such as a car accident or witnessing a violent crime. What most people think of as PTSD, such as wartime or extensive abuse, is CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) which is a very similar disorder, but is caused by long-term events, such as abuse, war, torture, and such.

CPTSD has many concerning symptoms, the most extreme being: difficulty controlling emotions, constant numbness, constant nightmares, insomnia, feeling like no one will ever truly understand what you went through, depersonalization, derealisation, and avoiding friendships or relationships out of fear. CPTSD also has numerous physical effects on the body, such as migraines, dizziness, chest pains, and stomach pains. These symptoms extend well into life, some victims even have many of these symptoms throughout the rest of their lives.

Many other issues are not always documented, as they tie directly to what the perpetrator was saying or doing. For example, I was constantly watched by a camera in my bedroom, and now have an irrational fear of that exact thing, being recorded or watched against my will. I also have a fear of crying in public, as at the time I was being abused I was “too old to cry'' it hurts even worse knowing that my younger sisters have been subject to that last line as well and that the oldest of them is now afraid to cry in front of anyone but me.

“I still count footsteps. Not out of paranoia that they are coming for me, but counting to gauge the weight and force to try and figure out how angry my parents might be. If I didn't, I might go upstairs and someone happened to be angry, I could possibly be verbally assaulted, or even physically.” - J (17 years old)

“Whenever someone smiles at me I think they're lying because K used to smile when she lied. She thought it was funny when I got in trouble too. When my boss called me in to talk I was terrified because he was smiling, he wanted to congratulate me on getting into my dream college, but I was convinced something bad was going to happen because he looked genuinely happy for me.” - L (20 years old)

“He told me it was my fault my mom wanted to divorce him because they were fighting over how he treated me. I have never stopped being afraid that karma would hit me because I ruined their relationship.” - R (16 years old)

“When I look at his house I want to throw up. I hate that shade of green.” -K (12 years old)

“I haven't been able to look at a bud light can since I was 11 years old without feeling sick. I still have the scar on my hand” - C (17 years old)

Everyone listed here was traumatized at some point between the ages of 6-12 years old and is still feeling the effects of it as they grow older. In particular, L has struggled daily with speaking to people, which has made their life in college much more difficult than it needs to be.

Something alarming that I discovered along this journey after I realized I had been verbally abused was that victims of verbal abuse are more likely to be abused later in life. This made sense, as I went on to be verbally abused by my mother's ex, and sexually abused, without ever really realizing what was happening.

Verbal abuse in childhood leads to mountains of issues growing up. There are ways to stop it though, or at least ways that you can start recognizing when a child around you is showing symptoms of verbal abuse.

Child is withdrawn, depressed, or apathetic

Overly clingy

Behavioral problems

Exaggerated fear

Complies to instructions overly rigid

Sleep, speech, or eating disorders

Nervous tics or repetitive movement

Overly detailed

Makes comments about parents “dad tells me im bad”

Antisocial behavior

What can you do to help children in verbally abusive situations? Number one is simply to be there for them. Be someone kind to them and supportive and loving. Second is to report it, even if the report is not taken seriously. If something can be done, it needs to be done soon. It is important to remember that if you know this child is in a dangerous situation for their health, injured or seriously ill, it is imperative that you call an emergency line in your area.

1-855-GACHILD (1-855-422-4453)

4 hours a day, 7 days a week, in over 170 languages. All calls are confidential.

-------------------- Sources --------------------

Cromie, William. “Verbal Beatings Hurt as Much as Sexual Abuse.” Harvard Gazette, 26 Apr. 2007, news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2007/04/verbal-beatings-hurt-as-much-as-sexual-abuse/#:%7E:text=Verbal%20 aggression%20alone%20 turns%20 out,his%20or%20her%20personal%20history.

“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - Symptoms and Causes.” Mayo Clinic, 6 July 2018, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967.

“What Is Complex PTSD?” Mind, www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-and-complex-ptsd/complex-ptsd/#:%7E:text=Complex%20post%2Dtraumatic%20stress%20disorder%20(complex%20PTSD%2C%20sometimes%20abbreviated,or%20distrustful%20towards%20the%20world. Accessed 18 July 2022.

Vardigan, Benj. “Yelling at Children (Verbal Abuse).” Consumer Health News | HealthDay, 12 June 2022, consumer.healthday.com/encyclopedia/children-s-health-10/child-development-news-124/yelling-at-children-verbal-abuse-648565.html.

“Indicators of Emotional and Verbal Abuse | American SPCC - Signs in Parents & Children.” American SPCC, 10 Sep. 2021, americanspcc.org/emotional-child-abuse.

“How to Report Child Abuse and Neglect - Child Welfare Information Gateway.” Child Welfare, www.childwelfare.gov/topics/responding/reporting/how. Accessed 18 July 2022.