Cats and Suicide

Hi, my name is Sarah and I am suicidal.

After watching several episodes of a sitcom about alcoholics try to maintain sobriety, I thought that was appropriate.

I have suicidal thoughts every hour on the hour.

Struggling to not go through with those thoughts gets harder and harder. Every. Single. Day.

Here is what it feels like, consistent pounding against my head of a million people with two million fists pounding on what is left of my sanity, begging me to give in and just end it all.

Of course, I am scared, I do not actually want to go through with the thoughts spinning like an annoying Ferris wheel that cannot make up its mind whether it wants to stop or go. Over and over again.

Many people I tried to talk to about this, even those who have anxiety and depression like I do, do not understand how this feels.

Here are the generic responses whenever I try to explain or talk about how I am feeling:

• “I don’t know.”

Okay, JUST to be CLEAR, you do know, you are just too chicken and too horrible of a person/friend to say what you are thinking out loud. If someone comes to you saying that they are in pain emotionally, then this kind of response is COMPLETELY unacceptable.

• “Maybe you should talk to someone.”

Uh, I thought that that’s what I WAS doing? Of course this person meant a professional, I have news for you, you literally do not have to be professional in order to shut up, listen and hold someone’s hand. Seriously, it is not hard, anyone can do this.

“Have you ever thought about going to a mental hospital?”

Okay, to be fair, they did not word it exactly this way, but this is how it came out and clearly what the person meant. First off, do you have any idea how this and the previous response makes the person who came to YOU for help, feel? I will tell you exactly how it made me feel, like a lost cause, like the person I was confiding in wanted to make ME someone else’s problem so that they would not have to deal with it. Do you have any idea how uncaring and cruel that sounds?

When I am suffering from anxiety/depression/suicidal thoughts, it literally feels like I am drowning. I literally am unable to breathe. And yet want to breathe. Then I do not want to breathe, I just want everything around me to come to a screeching halt, then I feel horrible for even having that thought. Thus, the cycle begins of whether I actually want to live or not. That is usually when the tears start to roll down in trickles and then in waves as I am struggling to overcome my inner horror.

Not everyone likes cats. Most of humanity prefers dogs because dogs do what their owners tell them to do, no matter what.

Here is why I prefer cats, they do not do whatever you tell them to do. When a cat shows or gives affection to you it is because they WANT TO and that is a sincerity you could NEVER receive from a dog. I’m sorry, but it is true.

When I was away in college, and this is even truer after the year of emotional abuse I endured during this time from a wealthy brat, I noticed a glaringly obvious difference in how I was able to handle my mental health with my cat around and then when she was not. To clarify, my cat was not dead, I just could not bring her with me to school.

After coming home from college I have made a lot fewer phone calls and have also been a lot calmer.

The second I start to feel hopeless and suicidal, my cat will come in and obsessively start to rub her mouth on me, my laptop, and then she will proceed to head bump my shoulder and rub on that too as hard as she can in order to get my attention.

When she does this, it is like whatever came loose in my head all of a sudden clicks right back into place. Then, and only then do I feel an immediate sense of relief.