But, I did.

It's dark, wet and a jungle of illusion. Your voice whispering in the hollow echoes of this decaying, brick dock. It's fog, why is there is so much fog?

Down, down, down the hole I go. On a coaster of bleeding metal, what is this? Where am I? I can't fucking breathe.

CLICK.

A snapshot, like a Polaroid flash; I'm watching it happen.

I remember being so frantic in knowing the truth, I'd sabotage my own peace just to find the clarity my brain so desperately needed. You liked that.

I remember scrambling, watching you, learning from the tones and cues all of the disdain and regret you had from choosing me. I hated it.

I remember sitting still, in place, like a paperweight glued to a stone; shown off for guests, praised in the public eye, just to be scrutinized, belittled, raped and beaten down, locked inside.

I remember begging you to love me, begging you to stay, each and every time you decided it was a nuisance and called me "in the way".

I remember the dreams, how vivid they became- blades upon my skin, me screaming for grace- running, hitting walls; trapped, helpless.

I remember the nights of torment intricately. I can feel your fingers tighten around my throat, I see your fist in the air; I'm watching, frozen, ready to die.

I remember waking up to you begging me to stay, begging me to keep quiet; it was just a seizure. you won't....do it again....my head hurts, I taste blood- call who? why? what happened? do what again? what happened?

I remember the last show you gave; the biggest applause of them all; return, come back, let's try for the 84753579402529842420353945th time, this is it, this is the one. we can do it. please please please.

I'm just so....numb. I don't want to. I don't want you. I don't want to. Just leave me alone. I'm doing yoga, I'm learning breath work, I'm finding love; just leave me the fuck alone. I don't like you.

No more excuses. I don't want to hear your stories. I don't care about your epiphany. I don't care that you now love me. No, I don't want to hold your hand. No I don't want to hug you. No, I don't need to do anything you tell me to. I said no. I said no more. I said leave me alone. I said stop. I said goodbye. I said no. I said NO. I SAID NO.

I don't care, I don't care, I DON'T FUCKING CARE.

Screaming until I can't hear my voice anymore. Get me out of here. I hear him, he's looking, waiting for me to miss my turn.

No, I am not yours. I AM NOT FUCKING YOURS.

I wake up.

I'm safe. I'm breathing. I'm seeing sunlight.

My cat is stroking my fingers, awaiting her morning hello; I'm okay.

I'm just remembering. I'm remembering how far I've come. How strong I am. How blessed of a path, these protection charms from the gods, goddesses, angels and ancestors of before; I'm safe.

"We don't get to choose the hands we were dealt, just how we play the cards', a quote from Randy Pausch, that has been embedded deeply, into my memory. I am the alchemist of this, for so many years behind and to come; so many discoveries, traumas and ascensions.

I choose what I allow, focus on and redeem.

We do, however, get to choose whether we dwell or we learn, sometimes even reminisce, just to remember- this is the part. Where you can fall, or you can get up and fight.

The rear view mirror, is not the rest of your life.