Broken

by Lobna chaya 14 days ago in coping

Feelings of a broken girl

Broken
Photo by Trym Nilsen on Unsplash

They say you can’t choose your family, but there are so many things in life that can’t be chosen. You’re born into a family, a religion, a belief, a lifestyle and sometimes you just can’t get out. You grow up based on what you were taught and sometimes you can’t get away because the loss is too big. Sometimes the freedom you seek leads to a path of loss, but sometimes that loss is yourself. You lose the love you have for yourself, the love for your goals, and the love for your dreams. You become emotionally unstable because you have to choose between your sanity or your family. You choose between being free or being trapped in someone else’s lifestyle. You choose between doing what makes you happy and worrying about becoming a disappointment to those you love. We all grow up and plan to become who we want to be. We set our life goals and we do everything in our power to make them happen. We shoot for the moon and we make our dreams a reality. But unfortunately for one girl, her life was dictated by the people who were supposed to protect her. Sometimes those who hurt you are those you love most.

She was born into a good family, a family who had the faith of their religion in their hearts and the fear of peoples reactions on their mind. She was loved, she was their first born and she brought joy that can’t be explained. She grew up happy, happy because she did not know pain was awaiting her with age. She laughed when she was happy and cried when she was sad but everything always ended up okay. As she grew she learned that it’s not always going to be rainbows and butterflies. She learned the hard way that being a girl in such a cultured family was going to lead to heartache.

Teenage years quickly approached, she made friends, had good grades and always tried to keep her family happy. She saw the way her friends were enjoying their teenage years, she watched them with envy. She was always told that’s not okay. ‏But what wasn’t okay? Happiness, friendship, acting your age? What could be so horrible about these things that they were so frowned upon? The answer is absolutely nothing. Or so she thought. What was wrong with those things was the disgrace it would bring the family if people knew. But what was it that was a big deal? The fact that she had friends, or the fact that she wanted to live life like her friends. It was neither. It was the fact that culture and religion frowned upon a girl going out and having fun. It frowned upon a girl being out on her own, it frowned upon a girl finding love before marriage.

Marriage is always a big deal in such cultures. Her parents answer to everything was when you are married you will do everything you want with your husband. This girl decided it was enough and made a horrible decision that changed her life for the worse. What was it you may ask? She got married. Unfortunately she got married for all the wrong reasons. She got married so she could travel, see the world, go out to parties and nice restaurants. She got married so she can do the things any other girl her age was already doing. Despite everything her parents told her about marriage, she learned the hard way it wasn’t what she expected. She struggled, she cried and she prayed. Sometimes she even wanted to give up on life and leave everything behind, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Was she too weak? Not at all. She was too strong. She was stronger than the power of her thoughts. She new she could make things better. She knew that the storm would end and everything will be okay. She knew that quitting was going to cause more harm than good. She would be at peace but she will create heartbreak for those she loved. So she fought. She fought against people’s words, views and actions towards her. She knew she would much rather live life not being with someone ever again than staying with the man she married. The man who made her feel like nothing. The man who crushed her confidence because he was insecure. The man who made her feel like a failure to always be on top. The man who made her feel weak so he can always be in control. She fought, she won and she was set free.

coping
Lobna chaya
Lobna chaya
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