Brain on Fire: Battle Within

Having anxiety or depression is hard, but living with both represents a constant battle. It is as if you are in a constant battle with yourself; your brain is trying to process so many things you feel it is on fire and is about to explode due to this increase of messages, memories, thoughts, etc. That's ok because there is hope in tomorrow. If no one has advised you before, then I will; you can live an enjoyable life with depression and anxiety. You can wake up with unspeakable comfort, sincerely appreciating that from this precise moment forth I have control.

I remember keenly when it all began for me: May 6, 2019. My then-boyfriend of two incredible years passed away due to a horrible firearm accident. I was consequently lost and did not comprehend what was going on with me, but I knew that it wasn't me because I could no longer focus at work, I could not focus on anything. It was as if I had relinquished all emotional control of my life. I did not want to willingly see a private therapist, psychiatrist or anyone. I merely desired it to all disappear and I manifested it in my mind that I would naturally get through this journey alone because no one else understood.

I did not have control of any of my thoughts; I was constantly depressed and overthinking. I absolutely knew that sooner or later my bewildered brain would explode prematurely. I was so troubled about undesirable things such as: was it my fault? What could I have done to prevent it? Was I going to be able to pay rent in the future? How could I stand out at my job? Why is my circle of friends so small? Do others think I'm pretty? And I mean I could go on and on about my overthinking. My overthinking would subsequently cause me to inevitably have an anxiety attack. My body would be tensed, there would be a knot in my throat causing me trouble breathing, and the sole thing I could think of were flashbacks of the day my life followed a horrific twist.

I would then become so depressed with all of these thoughts, lock myself in my bedroom and stay there. I would lay in bed all day, barely consume anything and just cry. In my head I was not rational, I was pathetic, and the only thing I could think about was hopelessly one problem after another and that I would never be worthy enough.

I presently learned I required specialized help, and coming from a family that did not believe in counselors or psychiatrists, I was considering a necessary step. I was properly implementing the necessary steps undoubtedly required to take back my life, and sure enough, I did remarkably. The perplexing problem is not you if inevitably have anxiety or depression, but the critical steps you take to learn how to cope adequately with these mental health disabilities. I am eagerly telling you once more there is hope in tomorrow, you completely have to be willing to faithfully carry out the steps, properly implement the necessary changes and witness your phenomenal growth.

I have learned that exercising every day has allowed me to claim my life back. I take vitamins and supplements daily to increase my general health. I also now take pride in my fashionable appearance whereas once before I did not mind how I typically looked. These few changes that I have enacted have influenced me to be at a place where I am at long last: peace with myself and who I am. It is allowable to typically express anxiety, depression and any other mental health disability. The most fundamental thing is learning how to better cope. Moreover, accept you for you, because my version of normal may not be the same as yours. The great Maya Angelou eloquently stated, "If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be."