BPD and Me - 1

Borderline Personality Disorder—how can I describe it? The bane of my existence? The fears that keep you up all night? The sweat on your palms as you try to live through each moment?

That, and more. A diagnosis can start off as a relief in the knowledge that you have a distinctive answer to all the demons plaguing you. BPD is far more than that. A curse. For some, a death sentence.

How many of us have used "Doctor Google" when something is wrong? For a BPD sufferer, or Borderling as I like to think of us, it paints a very grim picture.

We are portrayed as pretty much evil. Manipulative sirens who lure people in and destroy them. Parents who are guaranteed to obliterate any chance of our child's future happiness. As people who feel everything greatly, can you imagine the pain we face in seeing that?

Before I continue into life as a Borderling, allow me to educate you on some of the possible symptoms of BPD:

• Promiscuity
• Reckless Behaviour
• Impulsive Behaviour
• Suicidal/Harmful Tendencies
• Extreme Emotions
• Unstable Relationships
• Fear of Abandonment

It is important to note this list is not extensive and you should see a doctor rather than to self diagnose.

This, however, is a set of potential characteristics. Living with it is an entirely different matter.

I am one of the BPD sufferers who is not medicated. That is my choice and works for me, however I will not recommend that for everyone, again seeing your GP is crucial.

I feel your highs, your lows. I feel the emotions of those I'm close to. I can't always explain why I'm angry or upset or in a great mood.

I can't always explain the desire to watch myself bleed.

It frightens me. The image above was all because I took a shower. Nothing special or important. My mood just dropped, and I dropped along with it.

There is no definitive cause or cure. In my instance, this problem was caused by severe childhood bullying. For someone else it may be entirely different.

I can't make it stop. All these thoughts written here are disjointed. Why? Because most of the time when you see a 28 year old woman, that's not who you are really looking at. Mentally, for most of the time, I am a frightened and vulnerable 12 year old girl. I revert to the age it all started.

While some will put me down for "tantrums" or my behaviour, the rare few do understand that it isn't something I choose or can control.

I say the rare few because I, and many others, have noticed that BPD isn't something most people can handle. We are very giving people too, which can be mistaken for the manipulative symptom, so we give and give to those we form an emotional connection to.

Borderlings are not the only cruel people in the world. People take advantage. Many a time I've given financially, emotionally and, yes, physically to another who I cared for. Most of these ended in solitude the second I needed support in return.

People aren't equipped to deal with the range of emotions. Even if they were, some people simply don't want the 'drama' we bring, or are just out for themselves.

My aim with "BPD and Me" is to create a series of journal-style entries to document exactly how Borderline Personality Disorder can affect a person's day to day life. I am a student, employee and mother, so hope that any of you who read this may be able to empathise with at least part of this identity.

To those of you without this condition, please give a little more thought to those of us that battle it day and night with no respite.

To my fellow Borderlings: know I love you. Someone always loves you. You are never alone.