BPD

Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.

Being diagnosed at 19 years old after years of struggling with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) was actually a relief. I did not understand what was going on in my own head and it was terrifying.

I couldn't relate to my peers. I couldn't relate to my family. I couldn't relate to my boyfriend. Every day was a serious battle until my diagnosis where, after torturing myself night after night, wondering "what is wrong with me." I finally had an answer; yes, I was crazy. I say this light-heartily because it was a genuine comforting to know that there was something causing all the confusion stirring up anxiety and anger in my brain.

I now could begin my research and maybe gain some knowledge or insight into who I am... Identity crisis is normal in teenagers but I am far from normal. This was going to be a challenge but I was very accepting and willing to learn. To grow.

The 9 symptoms of BPD as stated by “The Help Guide”

1. Fear of abandonment. “People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one getting home late from work or going away for the weekend can trigger intense fear. This leads to frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, jealously track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the other person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.”

Yes, yes and yes. I think this could be my second biggest issue. BPD is mostly triggered with relationships so being able to trust your man is where they say... not going to happen. It does not matter how desperately you want to believe your partner. YOUR BRAIN IS LITERALLY TELLING YOU THE OPPOSITE. It torture. It leads to nothing but silly fights where you literally look like a crazy person because you seek validation to a point where it is exhausting for your partner. You can't even try explaining because it will always come down to "why don't you trust me".

I now avoid being in a serious or exclusive relationships because they can’t leave me if they weren’t even mine to begin with…right?

2. Unstable relationships. “People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, with nothing in between”.

EL-OH-EL – I don’t really know what else to say because this explains it perfectly. Relationships are a rollercoaster; super high highs, super low lows. Meet someone and the first 2 months are are "OMG - I am so in love" then you fight and it is now "OMG - I am going to slash his tires". These extremes are so unhealthy and I know this however, in the moment, it is very difficult to see that it is the BPD and you are blowing the situation out of proportion.

3. Unclear or unstable self-image. “When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life.”

THIS- so this is one area I am very proud to say I am overcoming. While I do have terrible episodes of self-loathing that can last weeks; I make a full recovery because although I have this mental illness, I am VERY strong willed and a hard worker. I am proud of who I am and I feel like I won’t stray too far from my true self.

This took years of building and re-rebuilding. After every episode, I grew stronger than the last because picking yourself up takes an immense amount of courage. Nineteen to twenty five/present day, it still can feel like two steps forward in loving who I am, five steps back into this hatred so deep it would eat up every ounce of your happiness and positive energy.

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. “If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you.”

DING DING DING…. Here is my biggest fault. Self-destructive behaviours. Although contrary to popular belief, not all illegal substances worsen this condition. During my diagnosis and first two years of truly learning about my illness, I indulged in the party lifestyle BECAUSE of hours and hours of reading the positive effects of MDMA on those with BPD and PTSD. Prior to this, I was very against drugs because of my unfortunate childhood however , it was clear that I wasn’t normal and needed to be open minded in order to accept who I am.

With this being said…every party night wasn’t fueled by “cure my disease.” But I am a very smart person. I grew to study my limits, to learn when I was partying for the wrong reasons, and when it just wasn’t fun and now a temporary escape from reality.

I had lows and the dark world of partying definitely won a few times. Nevertheless, it 100 percent aided more than it harmed. I was not an addict. I do not turn to drugs. It is/was recreational and under control. What isn’t under control, and I really don’t know if it ever will be… the sex. “Sex is supposed to be meaningful.”

Uhm…sex is sex. Sex feels good. The women in my life are all very dedicated, long term relationship oriented individuals and well… maybe I’m not. I tried that – it’s awful. The emotional burden and agonizing feeling of not being "good enough" was bringing me down.

Know what isn’t awful? Sex (for the most part). Relationships have broken me pretty badly and to the point where I did even know who I was any more. Sex releases endorphins and can truly trick your mind into thinking you are happy. SOOOOOOOO

I could go on and on about this………….

5. Self-harm. “Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm includes all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.”

This is hard to admit to. Depression comes hand in hand when suffering from PTSD or BPD, so yes, there is a presence. I am very fortunate to say that I do not have suicidal behavior. My method of self-harm is much different; hair pulling, picking, etc. This is something I never am comfortable discussing and I make sure it is never visible as it gives people a negative impression and often leads to an awkward conversation (or lie).

6. Extreme emotional swings. “Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.”

I used to punch holes in walls… mood swings are real.

Temper-tantrums when you are an adult is super embarrassing but again, very real. You realize after how ridiculous it is but obviously it's too late. The damage is done. You need to hope your partner is understanding because this is absurd to deal with.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. “People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the hole with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.”

Absolutely true—alcohol, men, women, partying. Doing anything to feel something. When I feel an episode coming on THIS is how it starts.

It starts with my chest getting heavier and heavier to the point where I feel numb/ hallow/ empty. I feel it slowly creeping up and consuming my soul. Filling it with hatred and anger towards myself. You want to escape this but nothing fixes it. Nothing is helping or filling your void.

8. Explosive anger. “If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time being angry at yourself.”

Again—punching walls. However, the interesting side of this is the explosive anger that is on the inside, and isn’t demonstrated in physical acts. The battle in my head is stronger than my fists ever will be.

In the first couple years of trying to understand my BPD, I was also in an abusive relationship. We were always yelling at each other. We had short tempers and knew how to push each others buttons. It was disgusting. My actions (whether self defense or not) fed the depression and self loathing even more. These years were the worst. I was so far from my true self; I was someone I no longer looked up to, someone I couldn't stand looking at in the mirror. Someone I did not want to be anymore.

9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. “People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.”

I DO NOT TRUST ANYTHING ANYONE SAYS TO ME. At all… I don’t. I just can’t. Why would I? I get weirded out when people (significant others) say sweet things to me because I overthink to the point where I don’t believe any of it is even true. It is all a lie or part of a grand scheme to be used against me in some way. As for the dissociation—after a severe episode, I just sit there. Numb. Foggy brained. Unsure what to feel or think. This will last days.

So imagine trying to date when all of this is going on inside your tiny little head?

Or imagine trying to date someone so complicated and “not normal”?

Truth is.. it is hard. Really hard. So hard to the point where I would rather just not even bother dating. I just want to be. Just live. Let things happens as they may and hope for the best.

That is all I really can do because no partner will truly understand what it is like to be me. I praise those who have tried and am sincerely sorry for those I have hurt in the process of learning who I am.

It was never my intention to cause someone I once loved pain... I couldn't control it and now I feel like I have a good grasp on life.

So, I'm sorry, but please understand this is forever an ongoing battle that I (and many others) face; each and every day.