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Borderlines and Relationships

How Borderline Personality Disorder has impacted my most important relationship...

By Brenda MichaelPublished 4 years ago 8 min read
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My name is Brenda and, I have had a long history of psychiatric issues. When I was 17 years old, I was diagnosed with borderline tendencies in my first psychiatric hospitalization. I was hospitalized because, I was seeking help, for self-harm issues, and, I would always seek help, if I ever struggled, with this again. However, the borderline personality disorder has stayed, with me.

I have most, of the symptoms, needed to be diagnosed, with borderline personality disorder. Under the description, of the disorder, in the DSM-5, "The essential feature of borderline personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts (DSM-5, p.663)." This is only a small glimpse into my disordered thinking and impulsiveness.

I have gotten older and, realized that borderline personality disorder affects my outlook, on life, and more importantly my relationships. My boyfriend, John, has been very involved in my health, both physical and mental. John knew my diagnosis, of borderline personality disorder = BPD, and with the support, of his doctor and my mother. John then decided to start researching and reading all about BPD, to better understand my thinking issues and the reasons, behind my outbursts.

There are many things, that trigger my impulses and outbursts. It frightens me, when my grandparents argue, with each other. It makes me feel, like I wouldn’t have a home, if this keeps up. Every time John gets ready to leave, for the night, I feel like something horrible is going to happen and, I will never see him again. During this COVID-19 pandemic, he is allowed over, to help, with my medications and to grocery shop for me but, I get all emotional, when it is time, for him, to go home early. Other life-changing events are extremely difficult, for me, to deal. John has had the fun, actions to calm me down, before going, on vacations. Even the ones, I went on, with him, others took a lot, of energy, to get me, to prepare, and send me, on my way. I knew the group, I was going with but, just dealing, with the fact, that I would be away, from John, was almost driving me crazy. Thank goodness, I had an amazing playlist and a 2-hour drive, to get me there. Another thing, about going, on vacations, with friends, are that, it changes my whole routine. That seems like a disaster, when I am trying, to start new morning, afternoon, and evening routines. My main goal, with my routines, is trying to decrease my sleeping habits. I feel that, if I am in dream land, nothing can harm me.

Now I’m going to talk, about some, of my behavior, related to BPD. One, of my impulsive behaviors, is to shop, not worrying, about the price or consequences, of my actions. One month awhile back I spent, around $200 dollars, for Yahtzee, on my phone, buying more and more extra rolls. Trust me, I could not afford that at all. I was freaking out, about being able to pay my bills, for the month. I sometimes try and seduce John, to come back over, in the middle, of the night... (never works), but, he does sometimes stay later. I sometimes drive, what cops would consider aggressive and fast. I am a Type 1 diabetic and, need to check my sugar and, give myself insulin, before meals. I am a horrible diabetic and, only check my sugar, every now and then, and sporadically give myself, the needed insulin. That is all because, I am lazy and don’t feel, like I deserve, to be healthy. I never feel worthy, of many things: like complements, love, and favors.

I am currently in therapy and, that helps me learn, new coping skills, to help me deal, with my borderline issues. I still have much work to do and, I may never fully be free, of the symptoms. Some, of my coping skills, are playing, with my sweet, old, and little puppy, Doodle. Another skill, that helps, is to watch TV, either with or without John. Today we are together and, are having a Disney movie marathon. He is being very nice, by letting me have the show options today! I love to crochet and have made scarfs and stuffed animals, a while ago. I like to play games, on my phone, and with others, in my family. Music is a big coping skill; I listen to it, on a long drive and when going to bed. I am also a singer, in an a cappella chorus, part of the Sweet Adelines International. During the COVID-19, we have ended the in-person practices and, the Sweet Adelines have cancelled, what would have been my first competition, unfortunately. Even though they have shut down the practices, we have been meeting weekly on a web-based video chat system called Zoom. I also play pool weekly, in an APA league, hosted by a local bar, which I love to go to for tons of fun. I have several pool trophies because, I have been on good teams, who have taken me to the local playoffs.

John took forever to find the right time, to propose, to me. I told him what, I wanted him to do, if he were to ever propose. It started, by John and I getting magical full-service pedicures, the one with the extra scrubs and the jello like substance. It would be followed by me getting the dipping powder manicure, at Mani-Toes. Then we went out, to dinner, at the Melting Pot (a fondue restaurant). This happens to be my favorite restaurant, in the area! So far, he has done everything right, except I was still unsure, if I wanted or deserved his love and affection. Right before dessert was served, he got down, on one knee, and said "Brenda L***** Michael, you have enriched my life greatly, you give me confidence when I'm afraid, you make me happy when I’m sad, you make me ... you think of a future with a lot of possibilities and, I am looking forward to exploring them with you. I love you very much. Will you marry me?" I took a moment, nodded and whispered, “yes!” He smiles and confirmed what I said, "yes?" He puts the ring on my left ring finger. He then asks, "It’s on the right finger, right?" This night has forever changed my life. March 30,2019 9:58pm will forever be the best day, of my life, at least until my marriage.

John, my fiancée, has continued to be the biggest support, of my life. He, however, still must deal, with the times, that I don’t think I deserve him or his love. I will give you a few examples, of when I have had outbursts, about what, I believe I deserved. One night, we got into a disagreement, which between us is very rare. I said stuff that night that, I can't believe I said, and deeply regret. After our disagreement, I threw him out, of my house, and said, "I never want to see you again." He left my room, while I was trying to sleep but, he didn't leave the house. John waited until I was half asleep, calmed me down, and left my house, at the normal time. Another time, I said, "I don't deserve you; I love you but, I would ruin your life." Then I took off my engagement ring and threw it across the room. I was frustrated, about everything, and took a nap. When I woke up, John had gone home and, my ring was back, on my finger. It is hard to break off an engagement, with someone, who knows my BPD issues and outbursts.

Even though there are many times, that I believe that John is too good for me, it is hard to let him go because, of all the knowledge he possesses about BPD. As hard as I work to deny his love and beliefs, he knows just what, to do to relax me and get me back on track. Now, the hardest part is to prepare for the wedding, which was supposed to be October 24, 2020. Now because of the pandemic, we decided to postpone everything, we started planning. Even with my doubts, I believe John is right and, that we could be a wonderful married couple... eventually!

Books that John read/or was recommended to read,

to help him understand BPD.

• “Borderline Personality Disorder: A Clinical Guide” by John Gunderson

• “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

• “I Hate You-- Don’t Leave Me” by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman

• “The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders: An Interactive Self-help Guide” by Joseph Santoro

Books for the ones with BPD.

• “Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder” by Rachel Reiland

personality disorder
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About the Creator

Brenda Michael

Im just your average Millennial, with a B.S. Degree in Psychology. Psychology has always fascinated me and helps me to reach out to further education. I pray my stories come from my personal experience and imagination to entertain.

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