Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Cope

My brain is my worst enemy. I’m constantly overthinking every scenario, constantly questioning myself and those around me. Do they like me? Or are they pretending to like me? Every time I send a text, did I say the right thing? Down to every sentence, I examine until my heart feels like it might explode out of my chest.

I’ve come to realize I needed ways to cope. What should I do when my mind starts to wander? How can I help myself? So, I started to do a few things, to try and help myself, from myself. I want to point out that BPD looks different for everyone, and therefore there’s not a “one size fits all” solution. You need to find what works for you. But I wanted to share what works for me, in the hopes that somebody else could benefit from this.

Wise Mind, Rational Mind, Emotional Mind

The three states of mind. Near the beginning of my DBT (dialectal behavioural therapy) my therapist introduced me to this exercise. I started to understand that we basically have 3 states of mind: our rational mind, which uses logic and critical thinking, our emotional mind, which our feelings dictate how we react to situations, and finally the in between, the wise mind.

Using your wise mind is obviously the objective; it puts both emotions and rationality into your decision making. When placed in any given situation, I try to stop myself and think: am I thinking about this logically? Does the situation warrant my current reaction? A lot of times I’ve caught myself thinking with my emotional mind and not bringing logic into it. This is a very difficult thing to do; I still struggle with it. But it has also helped me realize I am very reactionary. If somebody says something that I perceive to be an insult, I get defensive and snap back. Using this exercise has made me stop for a brief moment and think about what I’m doing. It’s helped me change the way I perceive certain situations, and on several occasions has calmed me down when I expect the worst.

Again, this isn’t for everyone. But I did find it extremely helpful.

Write it out

One of the most important things I’ve done is try to make a consistent effort to keep a journal. Sometimes, I don’t feel like I can talk to people about the way I feel; a lot of people think it’s too scary, or they get offended; so I turn to writing. I don’t just write what I’m feeling, but I try and write other, more positive things. It’s become an outlet to help me when I’m really feeling down, and more often than not by the time I’ve finished putting all my thoughts into words, the uneasy feeling has mostly passed, and I feel safe in my own skin again.

Fresh Air

When I’m feeling particularly down and out, I do anything and everything to get outside. Sometimes I stroll down the street in my pjs, because I can’t bring myself to get dressed. Sometimes I just sit outside on my driveway, just watching the cars go by. It can rain, snow, hail, or be freezing, but you’ll always catch me outside anyway. I look to the sky and I always try to not let the intrusive thoughts in. Sometimes it’s impossible; i sob and cry and shout to the sky wondering why me? What did I ever do wrong? Sometimes it’s minutes, other times it’s hours, but the fresh air truly does wonders.

The Power of Music

Music has this incredible ability to change my mood. I find I listen to music based on my mood; if I’m sad, it’s all the sad songs I can think of (give a try Let Me Be Sad, Paranoid and Low by I prevail, and Missing you and therapy by all time low). When I’m happy, I listen to upbeat dance tunes, skipping any song that mentions anything remotely sad. Whenever I feel down and out, and that nobody understands the way I feel, music always does; music always can. I can cry to songs, sitting in my kitchen, relating to the experience of the singer; and I find it helps. Some people might not think of crying as a healthy coping mechanism, but it truly helps me. If I didn’t, I would explode with emotion at one time and I fear what that situation could look like. Music has this incredible way to make me feel like I’m not alone.

Talk it out with someone who gets it

This is where this amazing Facebook group comes into play. After all, there’s nobody that can understand someone with BPD better than others who share the same illness. Reading the comments and posts makes me realize that I’m not alone. There are others who are out there, who feel the way I feel. I’m not crazy. I’m not psychotic. I’m me.

Pick up a hobby

This was one of the best things I’ve ever done. Thanks to COVID-19, we aren’t able to be nearly as social as we once could be. I knew when covid started I had to find something to occupy my mind; staying in the house, letting my mind wander was not going to cut it. So I branched out and found a hobby I absolutely love; and it’s crafting. I took up making my own personalized gifts. I’ve made mugs, t shirts, canvas prints, socks, and logos for multiple people. It was a little costly to get started, but I was lucky my mom already had the machine, the artistic edge (similar to a cricut!) to help get me started. It definitely doesn’t have to be as extensive as this, but finding something to concentrate your energy on has helped me a great deal. I can spend the whole day making and designing stuff, and the next thing I know the days gone and I feel fine!

Those are just some of the ways I’ve been coping lately. Obviously, it’s been a lot of trial and error, and with the help of my medication I’ve been (for the most part) managing to manage my illness. It’s definitely not easy; some days are obviously worse than others. But for those of you with BPD, I will say this:

You are all so strong. The roller coaster of emotions we have to deal with on a daily basis is exhausting, and the stigma around our diagnosis is strong. But you’re all still here, and hopefully able to find ways to cope yourselves. It takes a lot of courage to fight this illness, so to those who have; I’m so proud of you.

As for those who don’t have BPD but have a loved one with it, please be patient and kind. Understanding the illness is a lot, trust us we know, but we appreciate anything you do to try and better understand us. I’m blessed enough to say I have incredible people in my life who have been trying to understand BPD for awhile.

Never give up, and never stop trying. The world is better with you in it.