Borderline Personality Disorder

Inside the Mind

Many people experience times when they’re feeling down, hopeless, like nothing’s worth fighting for anymore. But for most people these episodes will pass after a few days or even a couple of weeks. When living with BPD, these episodes happen too often. So let’s start from the beginning...

What is BPD?

Borderline Personality Disorder will affect others in different ways but I will explain from my personal experience. My mood never stays the same. For example I have the inability to control my emotions, meaning I can be on top of the world one minute and then the next, I’ll be at rock bottom attempting suicide and self harming. I also struggle with attachment issues. I have a fear of people abandoning me so I will go to the ends of the earth to ensure that person doesn’t leave me. It’s not only happiness and manic depression I get, but also deep anger where I want to hurt everyone and everything. This mood usually happens when something hasn’t gone the way I have planned out or if a loved one has had something happen to them which I don’t agree with. Movies affect my moods in a huge way also—for example if I’m watching a sad movie I start feeling very low, if I watch a funny/happy movie my mood perks up, or if I’m watching a violent movie I get very angry and ready to fight. It’s hard explaining what happens in my brain 'cause most of the time I don’t even know what’s going on.

How is BPD treated?

When my BPD really got bad, I was attempting suicide every night and continuously self harming. This was triggered after a breakup with a long term partner. I was then visited by a crisis team who admitted me into a psychiatric hospital where I started off in an assessment ward but after a week got moved into a short term stay unit where I stayed for a month. During my time there, I witnessed some horrific things but also made a few friends. Inside the hospital the staff experimented me on several different medication including Zopiclone (to help me sleep), Quetiapine (an antipsychotic), and Promethazine (to zone me out). I am no longer on Zopiclone or Promethazine but still taking 150mg of Quetiapine a day to stabilize my mood. I am also receiving therapy as just doing one or the other won’t help manage the emotions. I also regularly have meetings with the personality team and doctor.

How are you now?

I’m doing a lot better than I was a few months ago but that’s also thanks to my new partner who I’ve been dating for a few months now. I haven’t felt suicidal like I have in the past and also I’ve managed to stop self harming. My mood still changes rapidly but with the support from doctors, the personality team, my partner, and my family, I am coping a lot better and starting to recognise triggers and ways to cope when I’m having an episode.

If you think you may have BPD, ensure you consult with your doctor so you can be diagnosed sooner rather than later.

Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Matthew Loveridge
See all posts by Matthew Loveridge