Blue Eyes

The day Meera found out she was pregnant was the happiest day of her life. But that all changed when her son was born.

“Push!” the doctor called out.

“Breathe honey, you've got this.” Kent kissed her hand.

Meera screamed out, attempting to breathe with each painful push. The doctor continued to yell while Meera's husband Kent took deep breaths with her.

Why is he breathing like that? I'm the one being torn apart and he's hyperventilating like someone huffing glue.

Meera pushed hard and cried out one last time as the doctor pulled the baby out of her.

“A boy!” the nurse said as she wrapped the baby up and brought him over.

The baby cried loudly and was covered in blood when Meera saw him for the first time. When the baby looked at Meera he stopped crying and stared at her with his big blue eyes. Meera's same big blue eyes.

“Alex,” Meera said in a strained voice, smiling. “My son.” she whispered, her smile faltered.

Kent beamed at her, and it was in that moment that Meera stopped caring. It happened in an instant, like a light switch being flipped off. Everything became dull, and the thrilled excitement Meera had felt for the past nine months was replaced by a numb apathy.

Within the first month of bringing Alex home, Meera only held him twice. Whenever she saw his little face or heard his cry, she wanted to die. At first Kent was more than happy to pick up her slack, he didn't even seem to notice Meera's struggle. But then, one cold night, Alex had developed a fever and Kent had no idea what to do.

“Please,” Kent pleaded as Alex screamed, “he needs his mother, and I need help.” Kent bounced back and forth attempting to soothe the baby.

Meera watched him from the reflection in the window she dully stared out of.

I wanted to tell him that he was holding him wrong. That he should rock, not bounce. That the best thing to do was call a doctor, but only after taking Alex's temperature. But I feel nothing.

Meera said nothing, she only sighed and continued looking out of the frosty window. Days passed, then weeks, and Meera didn't pick up her son once.

. . .

“Postpartum depression.” Kent whispered into the phone. “No, mom. No, she hasn't even touched him.” Kent paused. “No. No... she won't even go near him. I don't know what to do.” Kent sobbed into the receiver.

Meera listened from the hallway, leaning against the wall.

Postpartum depression. So it has a name. I really wish Kent was talking to me about this instead of his mother. He's been avoiding me like I've been avoiding Alex. He hasn't even talked to me or asked how I was feeling. I wonder if this is my karma, by avoiding my son I also lose my husband.

. . .

It was Alex's second birthday and Meera had spent the last two years feigning interest. After Alex's last birthday Kent and his mother talked about getting Meera “professional” help.

“It's been a year, Meera. We think you need help.” Kent paused and looked at his mother who nodded. “Professional help.” He finished.

“Are you serious Kent? You couldn't just talk to me? Did you have to involve your mother?” Meera crossed her arms and leaned against the counter.

“Meera, dear, I just care about my son and grandson.” Nancy, Kent's mother, answered.

Meera noticed how she didn't say anything about caring for her, the one who was suffering. She rolled her eyes and looked over at Kent for some support.

I can't believe he called his mother, the woman hates me. What did he expect she would do? We almost didn't get married because of her, because she insisted that Kent could “do much better”. He's always been under her thumb and now here he is again, avoiding me in favor of her.

“Maybe I should just leave then. Since I'm causing such problems for your son and grandson.” Meera said, fighting her instinct to throw Nancy out of her house.

“No one said that Meera.” Kent replied.

“You know Kent, we seem to have neglected an important factor here.” Nancy said, ignoring Meera.

“And what's that, Nancy?” Meera sneered.

“Some women just aren't meant to be mothers.” Nancy replied.

After that moment Meera found it harder and harder to fake interest. Every time she looked at Kent she remembered that day and how not only did he not stand up for her, but he also did nothing to help her afterwards. It also didn't help her plight with Alex, because now when she looked at him, she feared that Nancy was right.

“Happy birthday!” everyone yelled out as Kent brought out Alex's birthday cake.

Meera snapped back to reality, “Happy birthday.” she chimed in late, causing the guests to look at her.

Alex was growing up fine. He had his father's mess of dark brown curls, dimples on each cheek, and his mother's big blue eyes. Meera watched her son smear cake all over his face. As the rest of the party laughed, Meera could only force a smile.

I can feel how fake my smile is, I'm sure others can see it too. At least Alex looks happy, and Kent seems too focused on him to realize how much I don't want to be here. Why am I still here?

Meera inched herself out of the room and went upstairs. As she began packing her things into a bag, there was a creak in the doorway.

“What are you doing?” Kent asked.

Meera turned and looked at him standing in the doorway with his arms crossed.

“I'm leaving Kent. I can't do this anymore.” Meera replied.

Kent stared at her in disbelief.

As if this is surprising to him. I can't believe this hasn't happened sooner, I can't believe I didn't leave last year when I had that fight with his mom. And here he is, staring at me like this is a huge surprise.

“You're leaving? Just like that?” Kent asked.

Meera only nodded and continued packing. Kent crossed the room and smacked the bag to the floor.

“You can't leave! Talk to me Meera! Just let me help you.” Kent reached for Meera's hands. “Why won't you let me help you?”

Meera let Kent hold her hands in his. She couldn't help but think about what his mother said to her, and the fight they had afterward.

Meera had stared at Nancy in disbelief. Nancy looked down at Meera while Kent just looked at his feet.

That bitch just told me I wasn't meant to be a mother.

Meera looked over to Kent who continued to avoid her gaze.

“Fuck you both,” Meera stated and left the room.

Kent found her later in the living room after his mother left.

“She means well,” Kent said.

Meera scoffed and rolled her eyes at him.

“She just worries for me and Alex,” Kent said as he sat down next to her.

“And you?” Meera asked, avoiding his gaze. “Do you care for me and Alex?”

“You know I care for Alex. That's why we think you need professional help.”

“Why don't you help me?” Meera asked, looking at him.

Kent looked away. “I can't, okay! You need to seek help or just help yourself already.”

And that was it. That was the real moment I realized that Kent didn't care, and I couldn't force Alex to live with two people who didn't care.

Meera pulled her hands away from Kent's and picked up her bag. “Goodbye Kent.”

. . .

Three years had gone by before Meera saw Kent or Alex again. When she left she told Kent not to look for her, and he listened. Or so she thought. Meera met up with an old friend of theirs from college, Lisa. Meera didn't have any family in the state so when she needed a place to crash, Lisa was the first person that came to mind. She was a nice woman, but after she left her abusive ex-husband she developed a taste for hard drugs.

“Heroin?” Meera asked looking at the sharp needle in Lisa's hand. “Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack. It helped me get over my issues, maybe it'll help you get over yours.” Lisa replied.

Meera watched Lisa closely. The spoon in her hand was burnt, a layer of auburn-colored thickness coated the curve.

“What will it do?” Meera asked. “What will I feel?”

List flicked the lighter. “Everything and nothing.”

I became obsessed; hopelessly addicted. It didn't make me feel, but I no longer felt guilty about not feeling. Lisa supplied me until it became too much for her, she got tired of paying and sharing the drugs, so she ratted me out.

It was Sunday and Lisa had taken Meera to her dealers' house.

“Your guy is in there?” Meera asked skeptically.

Lisa nodded. “Yeah, that house. He has the best shit.” Lisa lit up a cigarette and began puffing. “I'll be right here waiting.”

Meera nodded and walked up the stairs to the house that looked way too nice to belong to a heroin dealer. But Meera didn't care. She promised Lisa she would help supply the drugs this time.

“Just go inside, he's expecting you.” Lisa flicked her cigarette.

Meera entered the house. Inside was not the dealer she was promised, but Kent who turned and looked at her sternly. The door shut behind her and Meera swore she could hear Lisa laughing.

He's aged well since I last saw him. He looks responsible, his brown beard has grown out and he has tamed his wild curls. He looked like a dad, and that thought caused me to lose my lunch all over his shoes.

“Sorry,” Meera said as Kent held her up.

“For my shoes or my heart?” Kent asked.

Meera didn't reply, she simply wiped her mouth and sat down on the nearest chair.

“How did you find me?” Meera asked.

“Lisa called. When you first went to stay with her. She's been updating me for the last few years. I know what you've been doing Meera.” Kent answered. “I know how Lisa's been 'helping' you.”

“Why couldn't you let me go Kent?” Meera asked.

“Because this isn't about you Meera, you are acting like a selfish bitch. This is about Alex.” Kent replied.

“What is this place?” Meera asked. “Did you move?”

“No. This is a doctor's office. Well, kind of.” Kent replied.

Just then a tall, older man with glasses walked into the room.

“You must be Meera.” the man said.

“Must I?” Meera groaned, putting her head in her hands.

“I'm Dr. Logan if you could come with me.” Dr. Logan offered his hand.

Meera watched Kent stand in front of her only known exit. She sighed and followed the doctor into a hallway. As they walked toward a door at the end of the hall Meera realized that Kent had stayed behind. Dr. Logan opened a door and gestured Meera inside. Once inside the room, Meera saw him.

“No.” Meera turned to leave.

“Just have a seat, please.” Dr. Logan led her to a chair.

I can't fucking do this. I'm still tweaking from last night and I-

Meera's thoughts were cut off when Alex turned and looked up at her with his glistening blue eyes.

“Hello,” Alex said with a smile.

“Alex, this is Meera. I'm going to have you sit with her and tell her about yourself. Can you do that for me?” Dr. Logan asked.

Alex nodded happily and sat in the large armchair. Dr. Logan sat Meera down in front of Alex and watched her cautiously.

I know what he's looking at. The bags under my eyes, my wan skin, the track marks.

Meera shoved her sleeves down and looked around the room. It looked like someone's study turned into a therapist's office.

“My name is Alex, I'm gonna be five,” Alex held up his hand and stretched his fingers wide. “And my favowit color is gween because I like trees. What's your favowit color?” Alex bounced his legs off of the chair, they were much too small to reach the ground.

Meera looked directly into Alex's eyes and hesitated. “Blue,” she answered.

That was a lie, my favorite color had always been yellow. But looking into Alex's sparkling blue eyes made me forget that.

Meera looked away again as Alex asked more questions. Dr. Logan sat to the side of them taking notes.

I wonder what he's writing about me. 'Shows up to meet her child for the first time and is high off of her ass'. 'Looks like she hasn't slept in days'. Which to be fair, I haven't. But who is he to judge? A doctor sure, but I don't understand why Kent is wasting his money on this guy. Alex doesn't seem to notice anything off about me, but I'm not even sure he knows who I am.

“And when I gwow up I'm gonna be the pwesident of space, cause stars are so cool, and daddy says I can do anything,” Alex explained cheerfully.

Meera smiled and watched as Alex explained his love for stars.

“Why the president of space though?” Meera asked.

“Cause daddy says the president decides things and I want to be the decider of space.” Alex grinned. “Oh! You should come to my house and see my planet collection.”

“Your planet collection? How does one collect planets?” Meera asked, leaning forward.

“Easy! You find rocks and paint them to look like the planets.” Alex giggled.

The questions and explanations went on for a while. It was a lot easier being around Alex than Meera thought. But she was withdrawing hard, and that only became harder. Meera found herself itching and shaking, the room was cold and Dr. Logan's glare was colder. Meera was about to get up and run out of the room when Alex leaped off his chair. Meera watched in shock as he went across the room to his backpack and pulled out a fuzzy blue blanket.

“You can borrow my blanky. Daddy says I'm too old to carry it around, but you won't tell will you?” Alex asked.

Meera nodded and clenched the blanket to her chest. It was the blanket that she had bought for him before he was born. She looked up at Alex who was sticking out his pinky.

“You gotta pinky pwomise not to tell my daddy.” Alex extended his pinky toward her.

Meera looked into Alex's blue eyes and wrapped her pinky around his.

“I promise,” Meera said, her voice rough.

After that Dr. Logan announced that they were out of time, so he, Alex, and Meera left the room and went back to where Kent was waiting.

“Hey, buddy!” Kent picked Alex up and hugged him.

Meera looked at the blanket in her hand and shoved it quickly into her bag. Dr. Logan said something to Kent before nodding at Meera and leaving the room.

“Alex, why don't you use the bathroom before we leave?” Kent suggested.

“Okay, daddy!” Alex waved at Meera and bounced off happily.

“A shrink Kent? Really?” Meera asked.

“Alex's fifth birthday is on Saturday,” Kent replied, ignoring Meera's question. “Come.”

“I- I can't. No.” Meera answered.

“Can't or won't?” Kent asked, crossing his arms.

“Won't, okay? You don't know how hard this is. What my life is now.” Meera said.

“I don't know? I don't know!” Kent yelled. “You made me a single father, and I didn't even get the closure of divorce. You just left, me and Alex. I don't know how hard this is? Oh boohoo Meera, suck it up and try being a parent, now that's hard.” Kent picked up Alex's backpack and walked off.

Meera stood there for a few moments stunned. Before too long, she realized she had better leave.

“So? How did it go?” Lisa asked Meera as she walked into the living room of their apartment.

The heroin Meera thought she was going to buy was sitting on the coffee table next to Lisa's lighter and used needles. Meera walked over and snatched the baggy off the table.

“Fuck you, bitch.” Meera spat as she left and went into the bathroom.

Lisa laughed. “Kent paid me to get you there! That tar is practically from him!” Lisa called after her.

That bitch is already high. She sold me out so that she could score alone. I can't believe my first encounter with my son in three years consisted of me withdrawing. And that shrink judging me for being a shitty mother as if I didn't know that already.

Meera opened the baggy and scooped some powder out with a spoon.

And what the fuck did Kent think was going to happen? That I would see Alex, get to know him in an hour, and something would just flip.

She grabbed her lighter and began boiling the sticky tar.

Come to his birthday, he said. What a load of shit. And then he mocked me. 'Suck it up' as if it was that easy.

Meera loaded the needle and rolled up her sleeve.

Alex's bright and shiny blue eyes clouded Meera's mind.

My same blue eyes, it has been so easy to forget that he's a part of me. Maybe I let myself forget.

Meera let the thoughts of her son take over her senses. It felt like the heroin she had been using. The thought of her son consumed her and ran through her veins like ice. Then a warmth spread through her chest, like the first sun after a long, cold winter. Alex's laugh echoed in her ears. Meera threw the needle on the ground and got to her feet. Her bag fell from her lap, its contents spilling onto the ground. Alex's blue blanket laid on the ground in front of her. At that moment, a light flipped on inside of her.

“Fuck.” Meera sobbed as she emptied the baggy into the toilet.

. . .

Meera spent the rest of the week detoxing hard. She knew Lisa wouldn't help her, and she couldn't call Kent, so she went back to Dr. Logan.

“I know a great rehab clinic. You can stay there for as long as you need.” Dr. Logan wrote down the address and a letter signed in his name. “Just give them this.”

“Thank you. You don't know how much I need this.” Meera took the paper and went to the clinic immediately.

The nurses and doctors were nice people, they had seen worse, but this was Meera's rock bottom. She thought about giving up on several occasions, but every time she looked into the mirror and saw her own blue eyes she thought about Alex.

This is for him, I'm getting well for him. I couldn't have died so many times over, and at a lot of those points, I wanted to. But not anymore. I want to live, I have to, for him.

On Friday afternoon a doctor approached Meera who was wrapping a gift.

“How's everything today, Meera?” Dr. Porter asked.

“Great doc. I'm wrapping up Alex's gift for his birthday party tomorrow and-” Meera stopped and looked up at the doctor. “I'm well enough to go, right?” Meera asked hopefully.

Dr. Porter smiled. “Meera you've been here less than a week, and I don't think you are quite ready to stop the detoxing process. That being said, I do think you are well enough to attend your son's birthday party. In fact, I find it mandatory for your rehabilitation. I think seeing your son will help you want to continue treatment.”

“Thank you.” Meera smiled and continued wrapping the gift.

. . .

On Saturday the yard was packed with screaming kids and indifferent parents. Once Meera exited the cab all eyes were on her. She ignored them as best as she could, but she could hear them whispering as she walked by.

“Meera,” Kent called out, pulling her into the house. “You're here.”

“Yeah, I am,” Meera replied awkwardly.

The two stood in the kitchen, the house hadn't changed much since Meera left. The only update was photographs of Alex growing up.

“So I-” Meera started.

“What is she doing here?” Nancy asked, entering the kitchen.

“Mom, I invited her,” Kent explained.

“Kent, honey, I love you, but this is a huge mistake. That woman broke your heart and left you alone with a two-year-old, she shouldn't be allowed anywhere near you or that boy.” Nancy complained.

“Alex,” Meera said.

Kent and Nancy turned. “What was that?” she asked.

“Alex. Not 'that boy', his name is Alex. He's a person, he has a name.” Meera replied.

Nancy scoffed and looked to Kent for support. Kent looked back and forth between his mother and Meera.

Meera sighed. “Kent you don't have to say anything, I'm done waiting for you to stand up for me. I'm here for Alex, that's it.” Meera explained.

“Well, you don't get to make that decision. This is Kent's house and we think you should leave.” Nancy sneered.

“No,” Kent said.

Nancy turned in disbelief. “But honey-”

“I said no, mom. Meera is my wife and I've spent so long being mad at her for leaving, but she asked for my help and I turned her down. I'm one of the problems that caused her to leave. I shouldn't have listened to you mom, I should have been there for my wife.” Kent sighed heavily. “And even if things don't work out between us, this isn't about us, it's about Alex. He deserves to know his mother.” Kent turned to Meera. “I'm sorry.”

Meera nodded as tears burned her eyes. “I'm sorry too, Kent. No amount of words or sorries can make up for what I've done. What I haven't done. But I am sorry.”

Kent walked over and hugged Meera.

I had realized we hadn't even touched each other in three years, not since he held my hands before I had walked out on him. It felt nice. It reminded me of all those cold nights spent cuddled up together before Alex was born. But as comfortable as it was, I don't know what's going to happen with us.

Nancy watched angrily but was smart enough not to say anything.

“You came!” Alex's voice rang through the kitchen.

Kent and Meera pulled apart, Kent smiled.

“Yeah,” Meera replied as Alex ran up to her and hugged her legs. “I um, got you legos.” Meera handed him the gift. “Oh shit, I wasn't supposed to tell you.” Meera shuffled awkwardly.

Nancy huffed angrily and Kent suppressed a laugh.

“That's okay, I'll act surprised. Here's my surprised face.” Alex opened his mouth wide and gasped.

Meera chuckled. “That's good. So um... Are you having a good birthday?” she asked.

“You don't have to be a weirdo, I know you're my mommy,” Alex stated simply.

“H-how?” Meera asked.

“Daddy told me before we met at Dr. Logan's. He said you loved me but couldn't be with me. Can you now?” Alex asked.

That numbness Meera had felt melted as Alex looked up at her with his big hopeful blue eyes.

“I'm ready to try.” Meera knelt down and hugged him.

. . .

Meera paused and looked up at her Narcotics Anonymous group. “And that was how I became reunited with my son after my years of drug abuse three years ago,” Meera said.

“Thank you for sharing with the group Meera.” Dr. Porter smiled.

After Alex's birthday, Meera went back to the drug clinic and continued her rehabilitation. When she finished she continued to attend group therapy sessions, she found them helpful and it kept her from relapsing. Kent invited Meera back into their home, but after a while, they realized they just didn't feel the same way about each other anymore. It could never be what it was, but they attend family therapy together and make progress every day to both be there for Alex.

“Now Meera, you've been in this NA group for about two years now. Tell us how you fought your addiction with the help of your son.” Dr. Porter prompted.

“After suffering from postpartum depression my mother-in-law told me that some women aren't meant to be mothers. I hated her for saying it, but then I let her words be true. By getting addicted I think I fueled her words more. When I got Alex back I did everything to prove her wrong, but not out of spite, I eventually forgave her for what she said. But I think I did it out of true love. I explained to Alex that I had suffered from an illness and to this day he asks me every morning how I'm feeling. I also realized I couldn't keep blaming others for what I did. I left Kent, his mother didn't make me. And I chose to do drugs, Lisa didn't force me.” Meera explained.

The group nodded and continued their sessions while Meera reflected on her life and the now wonderful relationship with her son. On his seventh birthday Meera bought him a telescope, and recently for his eighth birthday, she got him signed up for Space Camp. She wanted to do all she could to fuel his passions and be there for him when he needed her.

I'll always regret not getting help sooner, but I'll never regret my journey to becoming what Alex needed.