Blacksheep among Blacksheep

I never really did fit in among my family members. I always felt a little different, or dare I say unwanted? It wasn't only me at first because it was my entire family unit. Out of my grandfather's 4 children, 3 of them were different. Only the youngest was wanted around and was allowed to be himself. My mother was the only female and, while she was favored a little here and there, she shot herself in the foot when she married my father and had me.

I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. We, as a whole, have always been looked down on by our family and have not been accepted socially. My brothers have all done prison time for various things that society deems unacceptable. No big deal. I was doted on when I was very young because I was the first granddaughter. Perhaps this started it... Who can say really?

Growing up my brothers and I had such a close bond. Where there was one of us the other 3 were not far behind. We have always taken care of each other through thick and thin, no matter the situation or circumstance. We kind of had to and we really never knew any different. And to be honest it has been this way to this very day... well up until about 3 weeks ago.

The first indication for me that I was unwanted was when my sister-in-law slipped up and asked me for advice on what kind of outfit she should take with her on vacation. When I expressed curiosity at this event, she gasped and with her her mouth agape at her own stupidity, she floundered around at the excuse that she believed I wouldn't really like the beach or traveling for so long in the car. She's right but it was the principle that she snuck around and planned an entire family vacation (kids and mom included) without even asking if I wanted to come along.

The second sign that I may be unwanted among the unwanted was when my brothers all needed to borrow money. Normally this is no issue at all because we aren't rich and our pay schedules fall on opposite weeks so we lend each other money to make ends meet. However, I lended out money left and right for about 3 weeks total and when I asked for a favor in return I was told that things were too tight to give anything back that was borrowed due to vacation expenses. Is it just me or is that odd?

As I write this my family is in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina having a beautiful family vacation and I am sitting at my desk, completely broke, writing a story because I cannot figure out where I went wrong or what I might have done to get this kind of reaction. Literally, I do not have enough change to buy a bottle of soda because I have given every last red cent to my family and they left for vacation at 2:14 am this morning.

So I think I can safely say that I have become the blacksheep among blacksheep. I really am unwanted among all the other unwanted ones. It is a little sad and more than a little infuriating to know that you don't have what it takes to be respected equally. It feels as though I do not deserve love. But, I can also say that I shall never again lend money to anyone that is related to me, because apparently the fact that you are family doesn't matter anymore and a complete stranger is more likely to pay you back that someone who shares DNA with you.