Black Dog

Black Dog has kept me company for 15 years. He first came into my life when I was studying Law. It was as if he knew he needed to be there. One day, I just woke up, and there he was, sitting at the end of my bed. He needed company so I stayed in bed with him all day. I fed him, gave him water and a nice comfy place by my side wrapped in thick, soft blankets. I tried to find a home for Black Dog but no one else would take him so I kept him, accepted him as my responsibility. My companion. My enabler.

Black Dog was a strange little creature. He never wanted to be left alone. Occasionally, when Black Dog first came into my life, I would leave him at home to go see family and friends but when I got home home he was waiting at the door, beckoning for me to curl up with him in bed so he could sleep. I slept too. Eventually, it got to the point where Black Dog refused to stay home alone. I had to make a choice. I would either have to stay home or take him with me.

I tried to shower before going out but Black Dog would paw against the glass door, whimpering, crying for me to get out. At some point I gave in to Black Dog, I pitied him and stopped showering.

Black Dog was scared of my hairbrush, so I stopped brushing my hair.

Black Dog was scared of my friends, so I stopped inviting them over.

Black Dog refused to leave the house, so I stopped going out.

Black Dog hated when I worked, so I stopped writing my assignments.

Black Dog was seriously impacting my life, but I didn't know how to help him, how to make him happy, his sadness had become a part of me. It seemed we were destined to be sad together. Two lonely souls, tethered for life.

I remember the exact moment right down to every detail when the event occurred which made me leave the house. I was lying in bed with Black Dog when I heard children laughing. Their spontaneous giggles and screams of delight filled my ears and resonated within me, musical strings were being plucked and strummed and it made my heart ache. I looked at Black Dog. He was sleeping. I moved silently towards my front door and carefully turned the handle to peek outside. The neighbor's children held bubble blowers in their hands and I watched as the bubbles floated, shimmering with rainbows up towards the clear, blue sky. Lucy the little girl from across the road looked at me. She then looked towards her mother who nodded her head as if to say yes. Lucy then raced over to me, eyes wide with expectation and hurriedly shoved the bubble blower into my hand. "Try it!" she giggled. "It's so fun!" I looked down at Lucy, her grinning face flushed with red and her hands dirty from digging in the garden. "OK", I said. I slowly dipped the long blower into the bubble mixture, pulled it out, turned my head upward towards the sky and blew. Twenty or so decent sized bubbles took flight immediately. Some popped and some floated off into the distance until I could see them no longer. "Thanks Lucy", I said. She giggled and ran back to her mum who waved kindly at me. As I waved back I smiled and as I smiled a giggle crept up and snuck out of my lips. I got scared. I was happy. I didn't want to wake Black Dog.

When I went back into the bedroom, Black Dog wasn't there. He never left my side so I was confused as to where he could be. Something in me had stirred though and I hurriedly grabbed my car keys and drove straight to my doctors. He was all booked in for the day but as I had seen him since I was a child he agreed to see me for a quick appointment. I told him about Black Dog and how I hadn't left the house in weeks to stay with him. Dr Jim immediately prescribed me something called Zoloft an SSRI. He told me it would help me to take care of Black Dog and myself and that on top of the medication I needed to walk Black Dog every day, even if it was just for ten minutes a day to begin with. He also asked me to make an appointment to come back and see him in three weeks. I did so dutifully and thanked him as I left.

As I filled my script at the pharmacy, I could feel eyes staring at me. I realised I smelt bad and my hair was knotted and gross. I felt ashamed. When I got back in the car to drive home I looked in the rear view mirror. Black Dog was there. Sitting in the back seat, staring at me with wide, dark eyes. We went home and I took my first tablet.

Black Dog and I didn't leave the house again for two weeks. My appointment with Dr Jim was coming up soon and I hadn't taken Black Dog for a single walk. I didn't want to let Dr Jim down so I forced myself to put some shoes on. I didn't bother changing out of my pajamas. Since Black Dog and I were tethered I didn't need a lead so as I made my way tentatively out the front door, I committed to walk the small block around my home once. As I walked, I looked at Black Dog, something about him was different that day. He wasn't black anymore. Instead he was a dark charcoal grey. I mused at the colour of his fur and thought it must be the sunlight reflecting off his back. When we made it home I was exhausted, Black Dog was too, so we went to bed together and I set the alarm for another walk the next day.

I woke the next day and rolled over to look at Black Dog. He was still charcoal, even in the darkness of my room I could see that. C'mon Black Dog I called. It's time for another walk.

As the days passed, Black Dog became less needy, his once black, thick furry coat was a steely grey and as Black Dog lightened, so did the rest of the world. I began to notice the colours in the trees again, the smells in the air and the cool fresh breeze upon my face. Something was changing in me, something good. Black Dog wasn't happy, but there was a spark of happiness within me.

Before I knew it, it was time to go and see Dr Jim again. I didn't change my clothes, but I washed my face and brushed my hair. Black Dog was frail and weak so I left him in the car when I went in for my appointment, cracking window to make sure he had enough air.

"You're looking a little better, Dr Jim said as he came out to the waiting room to bring me into his office. I forced a smile. We spoke about the last three weeks and the small changes I had made in the process. Dr Jim told me it was time to up my medication from one tablet to two and gave me a list of things to do.

1. Shower every day and wash my hair.

2. Walk for 20 minutes each day.

3. Call a member of my family or a friend for a quick chat once a day.

4. Buy myself a bunch of my favourite flowers and put them in a vase where I would see them each day. When they shriveled, I was to go buy more flowers and replace them each time.

On my way home I glanced over at Black Dog. He whimpered, beckoning me to go home. "Not yet, Black Dog." I said, I have one more stop to make first. As I entered the flower market near my home I was overcome with the smells of roses, daisies and gerberas. The sweet scent of flowers was intoxicating and I as I perused I ended up choosing a bright bunch of yellow daffodils to take home with us. When we arrived home I found an old crystal vase that was my Grandmothers, filled it with water and placed it on my bedside table. After all, my bedroom was where I spent most of my time.

The next day I awoke to the fresh smell of daffodils. I rolled out of bed and crawled over to my bathroom. I looked at the shower, a great looming beast, once my friend now filled me with dread, yet, I really didn't want to disappoint Dr Jim. I pulled myself up and slowly turned on the faucets. My pajamas were stained and crispy and as I undressed, I tossed them in the bin, thinking that washing them would simply be too hard. I knelt beneath the flowing water clasping my body and shook. Not because the water was cold, but because I was scared, anxious, panicked. How silly I thought. It's just a shower. But it didn't feel like just a shower, it felt like a hurdle, or a giant mountain I had to climb. After five minutes, I had had enough. I didn't wash my hair, I didn't use soap. I just let the water flow over me and wash off some of the grit and dirt my body had accumulated over the past two months. As I stepped out of the shower I reached for my towel. it was still soft and smelt like lavender. I wrapped it around my shivering body and headed back into my room. Black Dog was still asleep.