Bitters & Soda

Bitters & Soda is a raw, honest and sometimes embarrassing perspective of what modern sobriety looks like outside of an organized program. This is a first hand account. It is not a step-by-step guide to getting sober nor is it a sermon on alcohol abstinence for one and for all. I am an alcoholic and this is my personal experience.

Okay, let’s start with the basics. Alcohol abuse comes in various shapes and sizes, and although I do not plan on speaking in many absolutes, one thing I do believe beyond a shadow of a doubt is that there is not “one true path” to temperance. There is no magical fix-all or simple cure for addiction. Every person is traveling a course as unique as their own body and experiences. This column will change and expand as I continually evolve and diligently uncover layer after layer of the STUFF that led me to this precipice in the first place. So here I am, ready to start nervously bearing my entire soul to you and there is SO MUCH to say, so many nuances to cover, but where do I begin?

When stringing words together on a topic as introspective and personal as this, I find it beneficial to sit down old-school style with a brand new notebook and a felt tipped pen. This way I can pretend I am musing only to myself, diary style. Added bonus: my palms sweat a lot less. It is pretty obvious that writing about this is a little nerve racking for me. This is the first time I have ever shared anything on this topic publicly or even expressed some of these ideas at all. Writing about my sobriety is something I've been contemplating for awhile. To be honest, I have felt compelled by the universe to do so, but that doesn't mean that I am not utterly terrified by the thought. What better way to feel totally naked and vulnerable than to dish all the gory details of my most mortifying experiences?

Now, let’s be real here. Who the fuck cares what a reformed party girl who spent the better half of the last decade blacked out has to say? So, I want to make something clear right off the bat: I am no authority on life without booze, I am not an expert on the process of recovery and I am most certainly NOT a therapist of any kind. What I DO KNOW is that the past few years have handed me some of the hardest, most undeniably valuable lessons and at some point it became abundantly clear that alcohol could no longer be a part of my routine. Now I feel it is my responsibility to share these experiences in the most humble way possible. For better or for worse.

It’s been a little over two years since I quit drinking completely. That may not sound like a very long time to you, but those first 3 months alone felt like an eternity in solitary confinement. If this seems like an exaggeration, ask anyone who has given up a vice cold turkey. Changes like this are synonymous with hyperbole. I think it is also important to note that a sudden alteration of this kind can affect areas of life that one would never have previously imagined. Talk about heightened senses and emotional sensitivity. Let’s put it this way, the floodgates opened up and that tough exterior I had thought was permanent, shed real quickly. I will expand more on the many reasons that caused me to quit drinking later on, but for now let's just suffice it say that the bottle was standing directly in the way of my personal growth, and I realized I needed to find a way out a long time before I actually did anything about it. In fact, I tried really hard NOT to get sober for a few years beforehand. I fought it tooth and nail. Sure, I made several attempts at drastically cutting down my intake (to little avail) and took a couple elongated “breaks” from drinking under the guise of ‘just needing to dry out and recharge a little’ but it took a PRETTY LONG TIME to ultimately reach the conclusion that this needed to be a life choice and once I did, I knew I would have to rip that band-aid off immediately, come what may.

Once I stopped drinking for real, things that once were fun and effortless (although arguably sloppy) instantly became painstakingly difficult and some even temporarily impossible. Every micro-decision, every social interaction and every passing thought is now unfiltered, raw and exhausting. I am not selling this very well so far, huh? Just wait, there are REALLY good parts too. These days, I get to experience life with zero hangovers, my mind is always clear and sharp, and I face problems head on rather just drinking them away while saying “fuck it, I will deal with that later.” Ohhh, and on top of that, it can be pretty entertaining to laugh at the crazy things drunk people do and say, all the while knowing it was not too long ago I was acting just as asinine, if not worse. Yum, that humble pie sure is delicious. All jokes aside, the most rewarding part of all of this is knowing that every choice I make now, even the questionable ones, are mine. I make them deliberately and consciously and I own them. There is no more waking up asking “what the fuck did I do or say over that eight hour period that is unaccounted for”? This in itself is the biggest sigh of relief I could ever have asked for.

Fair Warning: This process has not even been close to sunshine and rainbows and the struggle continues daily. The hurdles are STILL being jumped. This is an ongoing uphill battle happening in real time, and my sobriety has become something reminiscent of a small child or pet that I fight viciously to protect. I have had to disconnect from toxic family members, change my most comfortable routines and even move to another city in order to avoid triggers. As painful as all of this is, it has been cathartic as fuck to peel off the layers of pride and protection and face the most vulnerable version of myself head on. I have never felt more exposed or uncomfortable in my own skin, but as odd as this may sound, I would not trade it for the world.

There are a lot of different angles of this topic that I plan to cover over the next few months and it may get a little painful to read. Parts of it will sound scary or messy at best but the one thing I do promise you is complete honesty, authenticity and a zero bullshit approach. I will be writing in detail about a lot of the untouchable sobriety related stuff like how a lot of my loved ones thought this was some dramatic cry for attention because I hid my binge drinking from them so well, how alcohol abuse comes in MANY forms and that this disease is not one size fits all, why although AA works well for many people, it isn't for everyone, and how people tend not to take addiction recovery seriously outside of an organized program. I will also share how I combat the memory loss, shame spirals, and all that embarrassing baggage from my past life.

If you have ACTUALLY read this far and if any of this resonates with you or hell, even makes you extremely uncomfortable, I would humbly encourage you to stay tuned. There may be a reason you fell down this rabbit hole in the first place. Until next time, XOXO