by Celiina Peltzer 5 months ago in bipolar

In my way

“Overthinking kills your happiness..”

Today I’m lying in bed and just thinking. About what? ... EVERYTHING. Every little thing. Good things, bad things, life, dreams, goals, hope, fears, memories, future, everything. I don’t like overthinking things but I do it anyway. I don’t like sitting in bed doing nothing but I do it anyway. I don’t like feeling down so often and not socialising with people I love, but I do it anyway. I’m not sure why, and where this feeling comes from..- I think I’m bipolar.

Today, I decided to write down my own feelings, usual days in one whole story. I’ve been feeling this way the past few years, but it never seemed to bother me. I was always the smiley, gigglie, dreamy girl who stood up for herself and fought and worked hard for her dreams and goals. Now, I’m not that person anymore. I’m not sure what happened to me, but I do have a few guesses. All I know for sure, is that I am tired. Mentally exhausted. And if I could have one wish, it would be to finally stop feeling down, trying to give up on myself. I know myself and I know, that I’m capable of wonderful things and I could be successful and that I could have such a great life but there’s always that fear and nobody can help me get rid of it. One minute I’m feeling super excited and motivated about every single of my goals in life then the next minute, as if somebody threw this bad feeling at me that tells me, it’s not possible. Somehow I don’t seem to get rid of that “person” and I just feel like, maybe I don’t even deserve all this. Everything and everyone irritates me even the people I love most, then I get the feeling of me not wanting to exist anymore because I’m just a pest and I’m worthless. It feels like a never ending bad dream. Other days when I feel motivated, I feel super happy and excited. -I wish that feeling could last forever. I’ve got plans for my future, but it seems so far away and I do give up easily, because I get tired. I’ve got a picture on my wall that says: “Do what you love!” I look at it most of the time and just wait for a sign. For something or someone to tell me what I love and what I should do. It’d be easier that way, than me finally realising what I love most. The past few months, I’ve had the time to do nothing else but think. Think of myself and my own feelings, and that obviously led me to the internet because I felt really confused. There I’ve looked up, why I’m feeling depressed then the next hour, day or week feeling so excited and full of energy. It gave me some options with similar symptoms, but Bipolar Disorder was the one that had matched all symptoms with mine. Bipolar disorder is characterised by extreme mood swings. These can range from extreme highs (mania) to extreme lows (depression).

“Live life to the fullest and focus on the positive.”

Symptoms for Mania:

•feeling very happy, elated or overjoyed

•talking very quickly

•feeling full of energy

•feeling self-important

•feeling full of great new ideas and having important plans

•being easily distracted

•being easily irritated or agitated

•being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking

•not feeling like sleeping

•not eating

•doing things that often have disastrous consequences – such as spending large sums of money on expensive and sometimes unaffordable items

•making decisions or saying things that are out of character and that others see as being risky or harmful

“Some situations are just like bad dreams, they’re only unbearable while we’re giving them our full attention.”

Symptoms for depression:

•feeling sad, hopeless or irritable most of the time

•lacking energy

•difficulty concentrating and remembering things

•loss of interest in everyday activities

•feelings of emptiness or worthlessness

•feelings of guilt and despair

•feeling pessimistic about everything


•being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking

•lack of appetite

•difficulty sleeping

•waking up early

•suicidal thoughts

And somehow I have both..both depression and mania. I’m not sure if I could just let it go and live with it, or if I could ever get over something terrible as Bipolar. And that’s when all those questions pop up in my mind: Should I get help? (I mentioned this to my doctor before) Should I get more help? Would they understand me? Would they even care? Could anyone else make this go away other than me?

I guess there’s still a lot to find out about my thoughts and decide which ones are real and which ones are just a bad dream, that I never seem to get rid of. I’m not sure, I’m confused, worried, sad, mad and tired but at the same time, I know that it’ll all be okay one day.

Celiina Peltzer
Celiina Peltzer
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Celiina Peltzer

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