Bipolar -Learning to Love You Both

I’m not sure how to begin this one really. I am usually a very upbeat and positive person, especially on the outside. This is completely out of my comfort zone so please bare with me. Bipolar disorder continues to have such a huge impact on mine and my families life on a daily basis, so this is hard to discuss. Not because I don’t want to talk about it - far from it actually - but because the Bipolar Tree (as I like to call it) has sooo many branches, it’s really difficult to know where to start..

You are not alone

Even though I am a carer for my parter and I am not the person with the disorder - I am still greatly affected every day and I have never been offered any support or have been able to speak to anyone in similar shoes.. I have looked online for people in similar circumstances but I didn’t find very much and I really, really don’t want anyone else to feel as alone as I do some days.

My many “hats”

I wear many theoretic ‘hats’ within my little world. Mother, Daughter, Friend, Partner and Carer to name a few. I adore being a mum with all my heart - my little boy is the reason I keep going. Being a daughter? I love that too, my Mum is amazing and I’ve never felt anything but love from her. I LOVE being a friend, Supporting them and cheering them up on a bad day is the best feeling to me! I have a small group of very close friends, I can’t fault them. They are all incredible... but I made a choice for my family and now they are all 4 hours away.. FaceTime just isn’t the same! Being someone else’s ‘other half’ is so special too. Millions and millions of people In this world and he chose to be with ME! How lovely is that. He chooses to live with me, wake up with me, raise a child with me and love me, I love my partner and he loves me. My final invisible hat is the hat of a carer, my job is to ensure my man is always doing the best as he can, look for early signs that a change of mood is coming, work out triggers (everyone’s different, there is no manual) and also to try and find things that help the way he is feeling.

How it affects our relationship

My partner is battling this disorder every single day, this must be unimaginably hard for him. On his bad days I have to be careful around him , what I say, what I do, make sure I give him enough space but not too much that he feels lonely. And on his good days I’m so busy trying to keep him in a good place and as far away from negative thoughts as possible, keep the happy side of my boyfriend for as long as I can.. His bipolar is extremely black and white, he has either good days or he has bad days - there’s no in-between. So when is he supposed to have the chance to look after me?

‘You knew what you were getting into’

This is a phrase that has been said to me a couple of times by outsiders. This couldn’t be further from the truth and it’s a completely simple minded thing to say. When you begin any kind of relationship, whether it’s a potential love interest, a new boss, a new friend etc.. Do you begin by telling them all of your faults, flaws, mistakes and baggage? No, you paint on this almost perfect image and you show them the best version of yourself that you can be, keeping your ‘less than desirable’ traits locked in a box, at first. We all do it.

I never expected this

Don’t get me wrong, my partner has always been honest from the start about his battles with PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, Depression and his adult ADHD, but I didn’t have knowledge of what those conditions really meant for him, and what it would mean for me for the foreseeable. I didn’t ‘know what I was getting into’ or how challenging things would prove to be. He was never angry, never snappy, in fact he was so laid back that I even thought at some points that I was gunna be too much for HIM to handle! Never did I think one day I would be a full time admin assistant to a full time carer at home. None of his symptoms really showed their faces properly until nearly 2 years later, when I was pregnant.

I don’t know if it was the fact he was going to become a Dad that triggered all of this emotion or if it was other factors in our life. All I know is something happened, and something changed. This was when I was really gunna start learning first hand about being a carer for a bipolar sufferer..

To be continued..