Better Days

Today is a thankful day.

A I'm still here, day.

A, learning to appreciate what I have and who I have day. I appreciate the fact that I am still inhaling air into my lungs and releasing it. I appreciate the fact that I can still feel the light mist of rain on my skin. That I can still hydrate my body with water. That I can hear the loud mah's of the goats, the rooster's morning crow and the chickens chatting amongst themselves.

A day that I was able to wake up and get out of bed. That I was able to schedule shifts for myself to work. That I'm still able to do these things is huge. It shows that I defeated those intrusive thoughts, those ugly voices that disturbed my peace. It's not a one and done fight when healing from trauma but I'm going to celebrate this win. This win is going to be joined by several other ones and has been since I was a young child.

I have made attempts on my life before but I survived every single one. I am still here. I swore to myself after the last one that I wouldn't ever try again. I plan to keep my word. I am stronger than my worst day. I am stronger than my worst day. I am, I'm stronger than I know. I'm capable of great things. I am worthy of living. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of being happy. I am worthy of laughter. I am not weak for crying. I am not weak for having moments of despair. I am not weak. I am strong.

You are not weak for having bad days. You are not weak for wanting to quit because sometimes that trauma that you carry on your shoulders - the one that weighs you down and makes you feel like you're drowning isn't meant for you to carry, isn't meant for you to carry alone and sometimes it's meant for you to share. To share and help others who are battling the same thing, to give a voice to those who are afraid to speak and sometimes you are their voice. You give release to their secret shame. Their buried trauma.

So today, I am thankful. Thankful that I'm alive. Thankful that even though I carry a weight of trauma that those who gave me that trauma, those who added to that weight didn't take anything else from me. They didn't strip me of my voice, they didn't take away my will to live, they can't take away my life. They take only what I give from here on out and that's nothing. They will take nothing else from me. They've taken too much already. They took away my ability to have a dreamless sleep. They took away my ability to feel safe being alone at night. Alone during the day. Alone in public. They took away my ability to feel safe when meeting new people.

There are scents that send me spiraling. Sounds that have me trapped in a paralyzed state. I have panic attacks that last for hours and I hate it. I hate that they're still getting those pieces of me that they will probably still always have those pieces of me but today isn't about them. Today is about me and the fact that I'm still here. The fact that life hasn't been easy and living with the memories sometimes brings me to my knees but I still get up. I still go to work. I still try to build relationships with those around me. I keep pushing through to the next day. I'm still working on healing. I'm still breathing. I. AM. STILL. HERE.