Being Here

I don’t know when I first started having suicidal ideation, but I know that it’s been a part of my conscious thinking for over half of my life. I’ve had times where I was really terrified and somewhat relieved to think that I was going to be a suicide. I still struggle with it today, but it is much easier for me. After years of traditional and alternative therapy, I have found new ways to cope with my suicidal ideation. Here are just a few:

1. Sometimes, I view my suicidal ideation as intrusive thoughts. I remember that these are just thoughts generated by my anxious mind that says, “I should just die.” In the past, these thoughts would alarm me, and I would want to suppress them, but now I realize that I am not my thoughts and that my thoughts can pass while I wait and watch them. I do not have to act on these thoughts.

2. Sometimes, I view my suicidal thinking as my younger self, which I try to care for and love deeply. I know this part of me is suffering. So when my check engine light comes on, or I say something “stupid” on a phone call, or a deep feeling of shame flares up, and I think, “This is too much! Just die, and you won’t have to deal!” I know this younger part of myself is scared and overwhelmed. I try to remember not to judge this side as dramatic but to see her as needing care and love. So I remind her, “Hey, we can do this!” and “We deserve to be here” and “We can fuck up because that’s what humans do.”

3. Sometimes, I view this death urge as the need for parts of my psyche to either be let go of or brought in and loved. With this approach, I have been able to release old patterns, beliefs, and trauma responses. It may feel like a death of some sort, especially if the ego is involved, but seeing this as a symbolic death and not a physical end gave me a different healing approach. I worked a lot with this in therapy and with trained professionals who guided me through this process.

4. Codependency saved my life during my darkest depression. It’s something I’m grateful for but that I’ve been working to break down over the past few years. And in some way, it has felt as if my survival depended on it. For so long, I lived for others. I didn’t want to hurt them. I was not living for myself. Releasing the need to please everyone has helped me transition into learning to live for myself because I deserve it. All of it. This breath, my space, love, affection, etc. I deserve all of this, and so do you.

5. Suicidal ideation shows me where I still need to love myself. I stutter sometimes, and occasionally when I do, especially when I deem it really “bad,” I feel like dying afterward. These feelings show me that I still need to accept and love this part of me, that I can be fully human with all my flaws, gifts, and talents. And I try to remember that my stutter is lovable, too.

6. I remind myself that everyone deserves love and beauty and success and good health and a good life; that includes me!

7. I know that I am not alone. Over the past few years, I have realized that suicidal ideation is much more common than I previously thought. Proof of this comes from those that have suicided that showed no signs beforehand. No one knew what they were going through. We’re not alone in this.

8. I like to think suicidal ideation means I’m gifted! I feel that I have a significant purpose and plan on earth and that because of that, I feel overwhelmed sometimes and would rather not be here. Death seems like a rational way to avoid the work of stepping into my full potential, but deep down, I know that I can do it.

9. I also think there’s something spiritual about this death urge. I feel that what comes next may be more peaceful than this human experience, and that makes me feel more rushed to get there, but then I remember that I’m here for a reason and that I can do this. Connecting to my higher power has helped me, too. Through prayer, meditation, and other rituals, I can tap into that infinite, peaceful aspect of myself.

10. I am a feeler! I feel everything, which feels like a blessing and a curse! I carry my losses, my trauma, my pain around and can’t seem to shake it off at times. Sometimes I feel like I’m holding all the pain and suffering in the entire world. It’s a lot- physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I’ve had times that I felt as if I were burning alive or that my heart was literally breaking. It’s so painful sometimes, and I now view it as a gift to feel it all because it means I have empathy and depth and compassion and wisdom.

11. I’m aware of my pain and suffering, which means I can work through it, talk to a therapist, move my body, create art, or get into nature. I can speak to a loved one. I can work to be more kind to myself. I can take medication if I need to. I can use this feeling to fuel my writing. I can reach out for help. I can connect with others. I can call a hotline. I can talk to someone in my life like a teacher, mentor, or doctor. I can try out alternative healing modalities like reiki, holotropic breathwork, and psychedelic therapy. And sometimes, I can get quiet and sit with my pain and feel it all to remind myself that I can be with it and survive.

12. When I am struggling, I like to think about someone in my life who loves me, maybe a grandparent, an animal, a partner, or just someone who was helpful and kind to me at some point. I like to think about these people and how they see me. The love and kindness that they think I deserve. I try to see myself through their eyes.

13. I also remember that I’m still here! I didn’t do it! So there must be a part of me that wants to live this life. And maybe it’s such a teeny tiny, minuscule part, or perhaps it’s just primal, but whatever it is, it’s keeping me here for one reason or another.

14. Following my dreams! As cliche as this may sound, remembering what I want from life and going for it has reminded me of my sense of purpose. I want to write a memoir about the struggles I went through in my 20s- addiction, love, sex, trauma, etc. I’ve wanted to write this book for the past five years, and I’m finally doing it! And when I’m writing, my suicidal ideation seems to quiet down because I know I’m living in integrity and moving towards my purpose. Getting clear on what I want to do with my life and why I’m here helps me so much. So if you’ve always wanted to crochet or make short films or volunteer at the women’s shelter, or go to graduate school- do it! Start moving towards what you want from life, and life will show up to support you. Start a GoFundMe, reach out for help, or talk to your community if you need support. We all have these things deep down that we want to do. And maybe we’ve forgotten them, but we can continuously rediscover them.

15. At this point, I know that I’m too curious about what will come of life to commit suicide. I’ve overcome so much. What else can I do? What will my life look like in 10 or 15 years? I don’t even know, but I’m going to stick around and see! It took me a long time to feel this curiosity and gratitude for my life. Living always felt like a burden, like one dark night, but the light slowly came back in overtime. I am now much more grateful to be here on earth in my body.

16. Community has helped me so much. Sharing this helps me! Knowing that you’re reading this now and that you may struggle with suicidal ideation or someone you know does and that you find this helpful. That gives me purpose and confidence that I, too, have a reason for being here.

17. Remembering that thinking about suicide doesn’t make me broken or fucked up or some monster helps me feel like less of an alien. I am talented, loving, and fun, AND sometimes I want to die. I guess you could say I am a bit quirky (wink emoji).

18. One big thing for me is knowing that I can reach out for help if I feel I can’t protect myself. There are options for inpatient care and therapy and treatment where a trained professional can help guide me through this part of my journey. When I’m scared that I may follow through and start developing a plan around how I would commit suicide, I know that it’s time to reach out to someone and discuss it. (There is a link at the end of this article with resources.)

19. On some days, getting out of bed can be triumphant! Answering a call from a friend is victorious! And just living another day is a miracle. Sometimes I have to say, “Just for today, I know I’m going to live.” One day at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time.

20. Love! Remembering that I am so loved and I love other people so much (another blessing of feeling everything). I love you, and I’m so proud of us for still being here. ️

21. I like laughing, I like sex, I like sunsets, I like pasta, I like swimming in salty water, I like feeling the grass beneath my bare feet, I like hugging a friend, I like healing, I like puppies, I like dancing, I like music, and I enjoy writing! Sometimes I loathe life. Sometimes I dream of non-existence and don’t want to be here in my body, AND I know that to feel all these things, I have to stay in this human body and stay on this planet and do this dance we call life.

And thankfully, you’re here with me to do it too, which means I am not alone!

For more resources, click here.