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Being

by katrina Taylor 2 years ago in selfcare
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accepting who you are

Allowing myself to let go and just write until it gets to where it seems I can't write anymore. I wrote this back in 2016.

Chapter 1:

For those who don't know me, I am a writer and reader on Wattpad. I have been writing stories since I was 10 years old. It has always been my dream to become an author. These past couple of days I have done something I was nervous about doing. I finally published one of the stories I have written. With being on Wattpad, I have been learning it's a great start. It can lead you to great things. There is so much I could tell you. Yet, I let my poems and stories speak for themselves. My stories and poems have helped me say what I want since I'm so afraid to do in reality.

My profile name is @kartrinatatylor63. I am 22 years old. All of my writing is either about love and happiness or about sadness and life in general. My favorite authors are L. M. Montgomery, J.K. Rowling, Stephanie Meyer, Charles Dickens, Maya Angelou and many others. My favorite books are Because of Winn-Dixie, the Harry Potter Series, Once Upon A Marigold, Anne of Green Gables, and Pride and Prejudice. I have a lot of favorites for books and movies. I love to read, and I'm good at naming celebrities if I've seen them in more than one thing.

I love drinking mountain dew and eating spicy food. I'm not a picky eater, but there are some things I won't eat. I know you are probably wondering why I'm saying all of this. I believe if you are going to learn about a writer and read their work, you should know some stuff about them. For instance, I'm a detailed person. I love being on Wattpad. I get to read a whole bunch of romances, and share my work. Not to mention, I can take it anywhere.

I've been learning how to be a better writer. I have come to understand my life has taught me some things which can make me a better writer. I'm the type of person who writes about her life. Since I write about my life, I get a better understanding of how I've grown over the years. There are times where I wonder what happened to my imagination. Yet, when I'm really getting into a story, I find the ideas flowing through me. I enjoy those moments. I get to see what direction my characters are going to go.

For me to know I am getting over my fear of what the world will think of my writing, it makes me feel great. I would say I'm a different type of person. I write to let go and gain strength. I have a friend who told me my stories are very relatable. For someone to tell me that, it puts a smile on my face. It means sharing my work is helping others. It means I have done a good deed. While I'm writing, I'm wondering what I should write about next.

I'm always trying to figure out what I could write about next. Being able to see my stories come to life and having the chance to meet new people is wonderful to me. Writing has been something I have enjoyed for a long time. When I was a kid up to a younger teacher I wanted for my stories to help other kids know they could reach their dreams. As I got into my older teenage years, I switched.

As a teenager up to now I have been writing romance. I find myself learning a lot about the different couples and types of relationships in the world. I have come to understand I am growing with my writing. I let music guide me as well when I'm writing. I listen to all types of music. When I'm listening to music it's like an exciting thought passes through my mind. I start to get more energy and I'm more focused. I listen to all different types of songs when I'm writing. It helps with the emotion I am looking for. Being able to have been listening to music to feel better, to then have it help me with my writing is a great feeling.

When I'm writing I am in my own little world. I think that's another thing I love about being so passionate about it. I find myself getting lost in the stories and the characters. I am very happy to be the person I am as a writer. I have grown over the years better because I have been able to write about my pain. Granted there are people who feel what I have to say is rude and it's a lie. Yet, there are always two sides to every story. They can tell theirs and I will tell mine. It's great when you can feel better after letting go of what's on your mind. I love being able to do it on paper.

Having been able to write two novels really makes me feel good. There was this one story I just used as a test to see if I could do it. I tried it with a story called Genuine Commitment. This story idea came up back in March. I wanted to write about something which had real meaning. When I found out about NaNoWriMo I wanted to see if I could do it. It took me two weeks to do it. Thank God I have a job where I can sit and write. Of course answering phones is what I do. I write while I'm waiting. Knowing I was able to do it, made me feel great. I just got the book self published. I feel very proud of what I have done. I did it again this month for CampNanowrimo. I have been learning about how much a relationship affects your life.

It's great to be in one, yet there is also a lot you need to take in consideration. Especially since it's not just you. For me with my new relationship, I feel like I have gotten someone who makes me know what kind of person I want to be. He is very helpful and he makes sure I don't ever lose time to write. It's something that makes me love him even more. I've learned when you have someone who is loyal to you, second guessing about their intentions can cause arguments. Hey, it happens if you've had bad experiences with others before the one you're with. I'm growing all the way around these days. To think it started coming full circle when I started trying to reach 50,000 words in a month.

Chapter 2:

Throughout the time I was writing these two stories, I have had great inspiration. I was inspired by my relationship with my boyfriend. Yes I know, "I don't want to hear about your love life." Those are the same people one day down the line, you find them reading a romance novel, or novella or an erotic romance. Every writer has something which gets them inspired. Anyway, throughout thinking about how changed I've become, and how the characters change too, I grew to understand more. I also started understanding my relationship better. Christina in Genuine Commitment is the same way.

I had to understand Nathaniel isn't trying to break my heart, he just wants to know how to be there for me. Christina had to learn in order for her to trust James, she had to let him in. Each of my stories has a little bit of me in it. For me I feel my relationship with Nathaniel is one I will always treasure. It's one I am always going to treasure because of how we have come to be. Nathaniel and me met back in February on PlentyofFish.com. The first day we met on the site we clicked. We exchanged numbers and began talking more.

Throughout the month of February we talked every day. During the month Nathaniel had noticed I wasn't being myself. I told him about the drama I was dealing with. He had suggested about me going with him. I loved the idea, but I didn't want it to seem like I went to him to depend on. I decided to go with my dad. Even though I am living in South Carolina and going to college in August, we're still together.

Since we've been together I have learned how different our relationship is from all the others I've been in. For one thing, we are really honest with each other. We don't argue, and we communicate really well. We talk everyday and we make each other all the time. We know when something is bothering the other. We are very in sink with each other. It's great to have someone who pays attention to me , who has shown me, not every man is the same.

Knowing I can talk to him about anything makes me feel great. The only thing I get shy about is when he notices I'm upset. He has to literally push it out of me. Nathaniel and me I think are perfect for each other. We have managed to stay together as long as we have, even though there are those who say it won't last and that long distance couples don't work out. I have relatives who dated long distance before they married. I guess there will always be haters.

He's been trying to get me out of being doubtful. I keep thinking all the things we want to do, we can't for another three years. He is very convincing at times. Other times I just end up getting sad. He is a very great person who makes me feel really lucky. He likes to tell me it's the opposite. I think it's because we treat each other with as much care and affection as we can.

There have been moments when I was worried about how I was acting with him. I was very closed off. I thought everything I was doing was wrong. To him, he always begs to differ. It's another thing I love about him. He always manages to get me to realize I'm just being paranoid, there is nothing wrong. I wrote a love poem about him to kind of break out the habit of what I had put myself through. I was trying to get myself to relax. I didn't want to lose him. I'm glad I didn't.

I have two which make me feel really lucky. I release all that's going through my brain and let it go. I didn't want it to eat away at me. Once I wrote it down, I knew I wanted to share it with him. He is very easy for me to talk to. I feel so much better afterward. It's great to have someone that special who makes me forget about all the things I was worried about from my past relationships. I'm just the type who doesn't want to make the same mistakes. I don't see that as a bad thing. The way we connect with each other, is something I am happy to have. It makes me feel as if I am on top of the world. Of course I won't tell him that.

There is so much I can't wait to experience when we get to spend time together again. I love knowing we can talk to each other with ease. It really relaxes me, and gets me to open up more. It's a good thing in my case. It's better that way.

Chapter 3:

Here are the two poems I wrote for us.

New Definition:

You think about him half the day.

You talk all night long.

You start wondering when you will ever see him again.

He says the sweetest things ever.

Yet, you got your guard up so far, it's like you're on a whole other planet.

He tells you, "I love you more than anyone can love a person."

You want to melt right then.

You refrain, but start trying to argue with him.

Just relax and enjoy the relationship.

There's a new definition for that type of love.

Of course, it's old, but needs to be brought back.

You found true love.

He doesn't judge you.

He seems just like you.

He accepts that you and him are not perfect.

He stands by you, even though you're in two different states.

You must let go and allow him to love you.

You love him, and you know it.

Just don't push too hard.

He says he has thought of all the good and bad scenarios.

Most guys don't.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

He is perfect for you.

He isn't perfect, but he is just right for you.

This is the new definition of a long distance relationship.

They can work, and will.

Just keep hope alive and allow him to love you so you can love him back.

Inspiration:

You keep me calm.

You turn me on like a wildfire.

Sometimes just the sound of your voice makes me tingly.

I love you.

I know you love me.

This isn't a Barney song.

Yet, we do have a whole lot in common.

Having someone who is willing to love me in all types of ways.

He is always right on time.

He seems to surprise me.

Yes, I have found what God has been trying to tell me.

It's not that I need to be single.

It's that I need someone to love me.

This time it's not one sided.

We are equal and that's fantastic.

Calls that leaves us happy and feeling loved.

Not ever going to sleep without a call or text.

He is one of my biggest supporters.

He motivated me as I do him.

I am comping out of my shell more.

I now understand what it means to be comfortable with someone.

We may be apart, but we know how to communicate.

God has given this to me.

It's really a second chance at happiness.

I'm loving the feeling and the emotion in it.

I'm happy and that's what matters.

I'm allowing myself to love again.

It's amazing.

Chapter 4:

There are plenty of times where I just want to say whatever is going on through my mind without having to hear anything else about it. Here is some of the things I have thought about.

I have family that gets on me. They say, "all day long all you do is write. Your job is not to write. Your job is to answer the phones. You can't make your hobby, your life. Your life is not centered on what you have been doing. Take a second to just understand what you have to offer the world."

I have my own reaction for everything they have said. Even if they don't like it.

I am not a normal adult. I am working, but there are two different opinions on what I should be doing. I am not trying enough they say. They want me to do more. If I start doing more, I don't want to hear a crack about anything. I had to learn to take responsibility a long time ago. I don't want to be a person who is so stressed out her hair starts coming out. I don't want to feel like I'm a slave. I know I should be cleaning up more. There is a ton of things I can do. I don't like the fact I can get offensive. I was not raised like the rest of the children I grew up with.

When I was in high school, I was acting older than I should have been. Of course, I was older than everyone in my class. The only person I should be competing against right now is myself. I am heading in the right direction. I should be getting prepared for college. I am not trying to fail out of school. I understand I will have to work at the same time. I know what needs to be done. Yet, I don't want to lose out on who I am because life came in the way. I think that's what happened to those around me, even though they feel as if they are helping me, really it's just making me feel like I'm inadequate. I have always wanted to be normal. Do you know why I won't be normal? I won't be normal because there is no such thing.

Things happen every single day. Whether it's to me or someone else, things happen. Why is everyone so worried about what I do? Am I bothering you by being by myself writing, reading and listening to music. So the fuck what if what I buy is not what you would buy. I still try to save. I understand I need to help out. Yet, no one in this whole world should care, yet they do. I am a grown person who feels, wants to enjoy life and has her own mind. Don't try to interrupt it by telling others about me, and then they come tell me.

I've had times where I have gone to people for advice. All that happens is people turn on you. They want to tell you how you should be. They want you to do things, the way they would have. Well guess what? I'm not them. I'm not going to live a life they did. I have parts of my parents in me yes, but that doesn't make me them.

Yes when I was growing up, I wasn't raised the right way it seems to others. Just know I am still standing here and wanting to become more than a simple workaholic, or a washed up baby maker. I know I mess up everyday. I don't need people constantly pointing it out. Just because a person suggests I do something, it doesn't mean I cried to them.

I can have my own thoughts and feelings can't I? I do and I don't want to be told I am wrong. Granted I am probably wrong everyday. I know this, it doesn't need to be said out loud. Sometimes, just actually come talk to me, and you know, I know. I'm not stupid. I do forget sometimes though. Throughout the time you will learn your mother is right. The only people you can trust is me, myself, and I. That's only when it comes to the haters who pretend they're your friends.

Chapter 5:

There is so much I have learned over the years. Even though I am still young, I consider myself old. I have always been the oldest one in my class. I like being able to learn. The closer it gets to me being in school, the more anxious I become. I'm ready to be back in a classroom, learning different things. This time I will be a college student. I know college is a whole other ball game. I'm sure I can handle it. I will just push myself like I always do. When I'm pushing myself it gives me a boost to want to finish. I love a good challenge. It's one of the reasons why I chose to do CampNanowrimo. I wanted to see if I could get that many words.

Before I started doing CampNanowrim0, I had never reached 50,000 words before. I did a lot of research to prepare me. For me the highest I would get is to 21,000 words. Now that I know what half a novel is, and how long a novel is, I want to push myself farther. My best friend thinks I should keep on self publishing my work. There are a lot of people I know who have watched me go bananas trying to get a story finished. They cheer me on, and try to keep me from giving up. They are my dream team. My dream team includes my best friends, former teachers, my family and my current boyfriend.

I've been writing for so long, and wishing I could have the money to be published. I'm glad I went with self publishing. I just want to see what people think. I know my readers on Wattpad were loving it. I'm proud of Genuine Commitment. It's been able to wake me up. I have actually gone back to thinking about all the potential I have. I'm so worried I will have all the support in the world it seems, but no one will read it. My best friend told me I need to quit that. I am very proud of myself. When I'm editing is when I get the most agitated.

It's because I'm over here going over the story, and I'm thinking it's all crap. I'm they type who will throw her work away, start over, and then repeat the process. When I was back home with my mom and siblings, I got so mad at one of my stories, and I took the notebook, and burned it in the fireplace. That day I was glad I did it because I came out with a better idea for the same story. Of course my family thought there was something wrong with me. They all thought I was giving up writing completely. Thankfully, it was not the case.

I'm starting to see why a lot of the classic writers have smart comments about this profession. It can make your head spin, and make you feel like you are losing your life. Yet, we still keep writing. My dad makes me laugh when I tell him I suck. He was a writer when he was younger too. He didn't like how everyone was judgmental. Hey, I don't blame him because I feel the same way. Of course, it's not a hobby for me anymore. I am going to go to college to become an English teacher. While I'm doing that, I am going to be writing my stories on the side. I can't give it up completely.

Back then you could say I was the writer version of Taylor Swift. I used to form stories, making my ex-boyfriends characters. I made the stories very interesting though. One story I hope to publish one day is a story I wrote when I was 12. It came out to be 103 pages handwritten. It was called The Tale of a Middle Schooler. It was an adventure story about my friends and me. I was very good about including the people I care about. I do ask their permission first. Sometimes it was just their personalities. When I was in middle school I loved editing my stories. I always knew I could make it sound better.

These days I'm getting back into liking it. It's coming back slowly. For me, I just want everything to be perfect. Yet, I know it won't be. I just keep going, I like knowing I can reach new heights with my stories. It gives me something to look forward to, with the next big idea. It gives me the chance to see how far I can go. I think that's the real point of NaNoWriMo. It's just my opinion. No one needs to get all crazy on me. I used to love reading all types of books. I grew up liking being in love. It must of been all those princess movies and love stories I was watching. It's also probably why I'm a hopeless romantic.

I love being able to come up with different things to write about. Of course some where down the line romance exists. It's just like in classic books, movies and TV shows. Of course, once reality sets in, we all know the truth. I know, "you have something to say about everything." I am very opinionated. It mainly comes up in thorough conversation. It doesn't mean I don't care. For me, I see it as just not limiting myself. When I'm writing it comes out a lot. It's when I'm not comfortable. I had a teacher back in seventh grade who told me, "writing is your voice."

I've been learning since then, she was right. I write no matter what emotion I am feeling. It makes me feel a whole lot better. There are times where I will repeat myself. It's because for me, the same thing continues to happen. Lately, things have gotten better. I'm growing in a new way, and that's probably why. Even though writing and reading one of my all time favorite things to do, I do other things too. I like singing karaoke. I may not sing well, but it sure does relax me. I like listening to music and playing on the Wii. I like watching TV as well. I'm like any regular person.

It's just most times I know how to occupy myself. I grew up knowing if I didn't find something to do, my parents were. I learned very quickly. When I'm doing something, I want to give it my all. I don't want anyone to say I did poorly. Of course there is always going to be someone who has something rude or hurtful to say. If there's one thing I've noticed when I'm writing the truth, it's that I can seem very judgmental myself. I find it okay when I know at times when I'm writing on my blog I tend to bash myself. Hey, I have my moments when I get inside myself too.

I have my days when I can be a little of everything. I can be very emotional. I can also be a very hot spit fire. By that I mean, I can get very mean. I know how to be though. I am getting better with controlling my temper. I'm very pleased about it. I am just like any other person, except I love to write. Being a writer has changed my perception of a lot of things. I have been learning so much on this journey. When I'm writing, I am really focused on it. I enjoy going over it, as I am working on it. I like being able to read about how far my characters are going in their lives. I love everything about it. I know there are times when I wish I could quit. If I quit no one will be able to see what I can do. I don't want that happening. I'd rather do the work in order to get a good reaction.

Chapter 6:

Over the years, I have found different places to write. I have used a lot of social media as well. I have noticed I still come back to typing on my computer and handwriting. I have thought about so much stuff. Life happens to you, and you get carried away. You want to sit down and write it all down. Well, that's what I do anyway. I have done tried and tried to get over things that have happened to me. Yet, even though the days go on, and they leave the front of my mind, when new obstacles come, which start to resemble the past mistakes, I still get nervous.

I want to fall apart. I want to break down and cry. I want to just wallow in the sorrow that's before me. I have come to understand once you get those special people around you, who actually want to be there for you, and who are actually for you, there's a change in you. You start to feel more powerful. You aren't constantly wondering when something bad is going to happen. You just start to go with the flow. I've becoming really coming good at it. I have been all over the place.

Lately, I have started doing the CampNanowrimo as you already know. I am on day 7 and I have already gotten farther then what I thought I would. I'm proud of myself for actually trying to do this. Of course there is a lot of editing that will need to be done. I'm happy and excited about what I can do. There are things I remember from my teachers past. Going into college, here soon, I am wondering what my experience is going to be like. I wonder if I am going to end up pushing myself over the edge like I did in high school to get to where I wanted to be.

I have always tried to take everything I do seriously. Even when I am just singing on the smule sing! app for Karaoke I take it seriously. I love singing, but I know I'm not the best. Even when I am sitting at a desk listening to the teacher lecture or tell us about something we should really pay attention to, I want to get the full extent of it. I had a former teacher, who is a very good motivator and friend to me who told me, "You are your biggest critic."

When she said that, to me at first I knew she was right. I knew because of the way I did my work. I always wanted it to be right. Everything for school had to be the way it was supposed to be. I've come to learn since I have left high school, the little stuff I do for fun, I still want it to be a success. I am so wrapped up with things I can burst. Of course, that's just my opinion. Back then, I was just waiting for my head to explode.

I used to think one day, it was going to be way too much, and I was going to end up in the hospital because of what I was doing. Back then I would try to only eat twice a day. I wasn't too much of a breakfast person, and lunch I just went all out. For me, school was my safety. It was my place away from all the happenings of the place I lived. I know my family thinks I was one of those who was just being selfish and everything else.

That wasn't true. I knew that when I was home, my anger was really bad. I knew when I was in school, everything I really wanted to do was at my fingertips. I liked being able to go to the library in the morning. I liked being in the hallway, and class talking to my friends. I generally liked being in school. Granted there were some days, when I was feeling like any other teenager, where I didn't want to be there. Of course, it soon faded when something amazing happened for me at school.

There have always been good and bad days. For the past two years, I have been going back and forth amongst my family trying to make myself feel happy. Granted I do love my cousins. Yet, I didn't want to babysit my whole life. I liked working at the daycare I was working at. Yet, I've always wanted to be a writer. Everyone likes to tell me, you won't make money. You need a real job. You have to be able to take care of yourself. I do take care of myself. I'm still on this Earth aren't I?

Of course I didn't ever say that out loud. I am loved. I have actual happiness. Granted, being in school gave me happiness. Right now I am in the mode of happiness. I am so close to getting everything I want. I have a happy, healthy relationship with my dad. I have a happy, healthy and loving relationship with a man, and I am getting ready to go to school. I am going to major in the arts and do what I do best. I'm going to work hard at school, and make sure I can get a degree to be an English teacher and also a writer.

I know you don't have to have a degree to be a writer. I know there is a whole lot of business to it too. I just know I love the way my life is. I know you guys are probably wondering why I'm saying all of this. It's only because for some strange reason today I felt like letting go. I felt like letting go of all the negative I have felt. All the things which seem to cloud up my mind a lot.

I create stories from my life like any other author. I wish I was one. I know I have to work my way to get there. I have been doing research about it for years. I love Maya Angelou, Charles Dickens, J. K. Rowling, L.M. Montgomery, Robert Frost, and a ton of other greats. I love to read and write. It just so happens, I am not giving up. There are people who may not like me, or who do. That's something they will have to deal with.

If there is one thing that my high school did teach me was no matter how "hoodbridge" we were, we always knew what we wanted in life. I am proud of that. I may not be up in my years, but I have seen, heard and learned a lot from things I've done. I'm just feeling really happy today, and I just felt like talking. Sorry if this was too much to read. Thanks for actually reading it though. It takes a lot of guts to post your troubles.

When I start talking about the things I have been through in my life, or the people I have come in contact with, it's like something comes over me, and I just want to tell it all. I'm glad I can have the ability to put it all on paper. It makes me feel so much better. I don't have as much worry. I don't have to think about it anymore. It goes from bothering me to not having an effect on me. I love how that works out for me. When I don't have to worry, it's as if something has come over me.

Even though, there is always something crazy going on in this world, I have been able to not let it get me down too much. Of course I still have managed to let my emotions get the best of me. I know it's not the greatest thing to do. I can't help it too much when it happens. If I just let it come out, I know even though I may be called a child, it's natural. It just means I have a heart and even if I feel like ripping that person's head off, my tears are just falling. I think that's a better outcome. That way no one goes to jail.

Being able to find myself through everything I have been through is making me stronger. Knowing I am able to start doing everything myself, and the right way, makes me feel really good. I don't have to rely on other people too much anymore. Only just to go places and I am glad I can be able to pay for my own way. I believe my parents taught me well. Even if some people don't think so. I have come a very long way. The journey still isn't over yet. I still have so far to go. My life isn't over yet just because I got one book published. I have so much more I want to create. I'm not giving up so easily. My life is just getting started. I am feeling mighty great.

Chapter 7:

Having moments where I will think back to when I was growing up, kind of makes me weird. Of course I get to acknowledge all the feelings I was trying to hide from the time I was sixteen. I was always trying to get my mom to be proud. I wanted her to see what I was doing which was right. She didn't realize it until years later. During my high school years I experimented like any other teenager. I know my life wasn't as bad as others, but I did go through trauma. When I was at my lowest point I felt I could ever be, my mom wasn't the one who helped me.

It was my friends, and the boyfriend I had at the time. My mother just kept telling me I couldn't say it was everything going on for why I was cutting myself. During the time I was sixteen up to when I was 18, I did stuff.

At the time I thought it would have made me feel way better. Of course when you watch your friends' reaction to you telling them you don't think you can handle life any more, you know what's real. I think that's another reason why I have such respect for my friends. They stuck by me, and made sure I was okay. Even though when I had my last therapy session, I learned my home life wasn't going to change, I felt good.

I felt good because I knew when I chose to go away to college, I could leave it all behind. I wouldn't have to think about how much trouble I would get into for the house not being clean. I'm glad I don't have to worry about hearing my name every morning, and being grabbed because the kitchen wasn't up to par. there are times when I get yelled at by my boss for not using my common sense or doing something stupid, and I think about when I was called "the dumb twin" by my younger brothers and sisters. Granted I have done some things wrong, but I have been trying.

As I have come to understand, my days are better now than they were before. I have also learned once I get past everyone wanting me to grow up, I can handle it myself. I have always been around people either way older or be around kids who are very younger. When I was in school I was one of those who acted responsibly. I knew what was expected of me. I still do, but for some reason, it's harder now than before. I know one of these days I will look back and remember this. I try to remember as much as I can.

I just know as I get older, hopefully my mind will get stronger. I will remember and be able to give someone else advice. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Believe me, I know for a fact I'm not. I just try to be myself when it comes to the hand of stuff I've been dealt. It's not like I was one of those horrible teenagers, but I did do my dirt. It wasn't too major but for me, I know it was bad. I understand that I wasn't the best. Even now, I'm battling with myself about doing better and being able to do my own thing. I am praying one day I can get away from the person I am right now.

When I'm telling the truth to myself I feel a whole lot better. There are days where I love just being comfortable in my own skin, and toughing it out at work. Other days, most days really, I wish I was with my boyfriend and living out my life for my dream. Yet, there's that part of me who wants to stay around my dad. I understand I'm not little anymore. I tell my dad that. It doesn't mean I don't want time to bond with him. I'm so close to getting everything I want. I just got mixed thoughts because I wish I could have both at one time. Hopefully once I finish school, I will have the ability to feel fulfilled.

There is time for everything. It's just the months are going by quicker, and the time during the day goes slow. I know what I want out of my life. I am actually working on it. Knowing I can publish my own work makes me feel great. I hope to continue to grow as I get older. I'm growing in my own way, yet some of my old ways are sneaking up on me. I'm sure when I start college, even more of my old ways are going to come out. I'm hoping it will be the good ones. I want to accomplish a ton of things before I pass. I know I may have a long way to go, but you're not promised tomorrow.

When I'm riding in the car with my dad, and I'm looking around I'm allowing myself to enjoy being outside. I used to love going for walks everyday. There were times I would go in the woods behind the house, and be singing or screaming, or just talking to God. I love church, but here I'm not comfortable going. I know in time, if God permits it, things will get better. I'm wondering if everything that's happened to me has happened because of my behavior. I know at times I do act like a child. Yet, I'm lost on what to do.

I still don't like it when I don't know something. I want to become a very intelligent person. I don't want to feel like a failure. For some reason, I feel like one. I feel really stupid because of the decisions I've made. I know I still have more time to grow and learn from my mistakes. I know the only person I am in competition with is myself. I understand that, it's just at times I see what other people my age has, and I want it. I'm envious and I know I really shouldn't be. I think it's because I'm still mad I worked my butt off, to only get knocked down.

Since I graduated school back in 2014, I have been trying to find where I belong. I was going through family, and I wasn't feeling complete. I think it's because I've always wanted to do my own thing. I mean my parents raised me to be independent, and I hate having to rely on others. Even when I was in high school, my teachers used to tell me it was okay to ask for help. These days when I'm feeling down, I think about what I've learned from high school on. I've found I still believe in the same things, I'm just not in the place to use all my other skills.

I've been learning new things. I do enjoy it, but there is that part of me which wishes I could write all day. I know that's how a lot of young writers feel. Of course we have to live life, to get to live out our dream. I know my life is going on right now. See right now, I do feel like I do have a life. Before, back when I was going nuts inside, I didn't feel that way. I felt like at any point and time I was going to lose myself. I felt like I was going to explode. I knew everyone would have said I was doing it to myself.

That's the one thing about only trusting yourself. All the weight of everything going on, on top of all my thoughts makes me crazy. I think that's why this time with Nathaniel, and my dad and Joshalyn (my best friend), I don't hold anything back. I couldn't anyway, because they would sense it by my tone or the look on my face. They know me, and even if they have to pry it out of me, they'll find it out. I've learned in the short time of being around my dad, I'm a lot like him. Now, I know why my mom said she couldn't understand me. She wasn't meant to. I'm different from her, and more like my father.

My dad and me get along. When I was a kid we only had video games to bond over, and a few anime shows. Right now, I've learned a whole lot more about him. With me learning about my father, I have realized I really am like him. There are parts of both my parents in me, yet there is only me. When I was growing up, when I would be by myself, I would wish there was more of me. One to do everything that needed to be done, and some to do what I wanted, and others to go off on adventures to live like those who get to travel all over the world. Yes, I was a weird kid.

I was more of being inside, but as I got older I grew out of it. I like going places and doing things. I know as time goes on, I will eventually get to do all the things I want to do. I'm starting to realize more of me needs to be seen. I need to start building myself back up. I know with my writing; I will always feel alive. Yet, I'm talking about outside of that. I'm referring to me as a person. I don't want to become lazy. I want to be able to help my family and those I care about, even myself.

In don't want anyone to think I can't do it. I'm learning no matter how different the job, my common sense takes up most of it. I don't want anyone to think I'm dumb. I'm going to learn my street smarts. I know I'm book smart. I'm going to push myself a whole lot harder. It's the one thing I know I can do. Writing is going to take a backseat again. It usually does when I'm working. I get tired, and just take to my journal.

Chapter 8:

It may be too real for some, but this is my life.

It's been like this since I was working at the daycare. Once I left home, I had to make time to write. Someone always said about how I couldn't spend all my time doing it. I think that's how I lost myself. With me writing, I was able to keep myself grounded. I don't want to lose who I am because I'm doing what needs to be done to survive. Yet, there are a lot of writers who have used their other jobs to be their base for their stories. Their experiences have made them who they are. I think the same is said for me. The things I have been through have helped me as a writer and a person. I have grown from it. Even though I still feel scarred, I have managed to be strong. I'm still living and trying to do better.

There should be credit for that, but there isn't. I'm still learning from the people around me. I am still trying to be the individual I am. At least the more work I do, the more experience I have. I hope when I get finished here, I can actually have there be someone at my funeral to say I worked hard. I don't like being lazy, or sitting around doing nothing. Yet when I have to wait for someone to give me something to do, it's what I'm resorted to. Maybe I should just become a full blown worker, and not do anything else. Funny thing is, I'm already there.

I know I'm there because I don't do much when I go home. I literally push myself to actually write. I've been trying to get back into dancing on the Wii and doing karaoke. I know what I can do. I skip breakfast some mornings, to catch up on the books I haven't read. There are tons of things, I used to do, I don't do anymore. I'm getting lazy, and I don't like it. As much as the people I care about know me, I know myself way better. Well, besides God, and he know everyone better than they know themselves. Anyway, I just want to be better.

I think I'm trying, but I still mess up, and it's giving me a bad outlook. I don't want my future bosses to think I'm dumb or a knucklehead. I want them to see me as a hard worker and intelligent. I know in the end, I just have to prove everyone wrong. When I was in high school, I did every day. I pushed and worked hard. I used to help friends who were in a higher grade than me. It helped me for when I got to that grade because I already knew what to do. I know I'm just going to have to use any new tactic I can. Maybe even some old tactics. Yet, I want to do whatever it takes to get others to see me as an adult.

I don't want for people to think I'm sixteen. There are times I wish I was twelve again. My home life wasn't the best, but my surrounding areas were good. Back then my teachers would say I did my work like a college student. I got to hang out with my friends a lot more. I also went a lot more places. I wrote a lot too. Things changed when I was 13. Yet, right now I know I'm not giving up on the life I want. I know I keep saying it, but I want it to sink in my head. I am so close to having everything I could ever want. I don't want something to ruin it. Especially since I am actually happy, and not pretending. It's so much better this way. Applying myself was one thing I knew when it came to certain things. I know for myself, I can tell I'm messed up, but I'm still trying.

I understand in the real world no one cares about what another person is going through. Yet, when a person wants help they go to someone. the world may be troubling, but as long as I am on this Earth, I know I'm going to keep trying to get to where I want to be. There are things I get ticked about, but I know in due time I will get past it. I had a history teacher who told me, "the things you care about now, you won't care about in the future." I've learned he was right. I've also learned there are so many different lessons you learn every day.

Then again, you are always supposed to learn something new. When I got out of high school, I pictured my life going in a certain direction. It didn't happen that way, and I've been adapting to another way of doing things. I am getting smarter, it's just I need to work harder and smarter. I'm glad I can still find ways to motivate myself. I am going to keep trying because I'm not the type to give up. I may say I'm going to, but by the next day, I'll be back to pushing myself. I don't want anyone getting the wrong impression of me.

I don't like being a hypocrite, but there are times when I end up being one. It makes me feel sour. Yet, I keep on moving because I know one of these days I'll accomplish everything I set out to do. The one thing I know which will stick with me is "just because the work day is over, it doesn't mean the day is over." There will always be something which needs to get done. Benjamin Franklin said it best when he said, "Have something to do tomorrow? Do it today." He was right because I've done tried to get things done. I've managed to do some, but I know when your body needs rest, you should listen to it.

I'm the type who will stay up all night and write. I'm also one to do the same for reading. I know I could do it for anything that needs to be done. I know there are limits to what a person can do. Yet, I don't let that stop me. I will try to find a way to do whatever it is. I think it's because there are a ton of different things I want to do. I want to be able to know how to do many things. I mines well just say, I don't want to be limited to knowing how to do just one more thing. I want to be able to sharpen the skills I do have, and gain more. Like they say, "knowledge is power." I'm just a person who has high hopes and dreams.

I'm being myself in a way. I'm just hiding away at certain times. I know if you ask some of my family they may complain about how I need to do more. Yet, I just don't want to keep being on everyone else's time. Of course that's what life is about. It's doing what you have to, in order for you to survive. That's why so many people give up on their dreams. Life happens, and you have to accept the reality. Reality makes you realize the truth, and how you need to just suck it up and deal with it. I'm emotional, but I do have a violent/anger streak at times. It's only around my brothers and sisters. Yet, a lot of people are like that, and they can just channel that energy.

Chapter 9:

When you are channeling that energy you can discover a lot about yourself. I've had to learn; I have changed many times over the years. I'm keeping myself busy when I'm writing. I'm not trying to listen in on my boss's calls, but I'm around. I don't want her to think I'm being nosy. Of course it seems that way. Of course I know one day me paying attention to my surroundings and the people around me, can help me. I know I won't always be a screw up like I would be considered right now. I know what I am, and I keep trying.

When I was back home, I felt like no matter how hard I tried I wasn't getting anywhere. These days' certain things work out better for me. I love the feeling of being able to accomplish something. What I do might not be respected by others, but as long as I am not feeling lost and afraid, I'm okay. I feel like I've come too far to stop. There are times when I get inside myself and start thinking about the negative. When I get that way, it gets a little confusing inside my head. I start having internal conflicts. In the end, I find myself being positive again. All it basically is, are my thoughts catching up with me. I'm always thinking, and my thoughts get bigger, and I get to feeling lost. I always find myself coming back though.

I know you didn't expect to learn this much about me, but when I start telling the truth, I just go. I start letting out all the thoughts and reactions I've had for different things. I like being able to feel free once I get to where I have told as much as I want. A lot of times I get ahead of myself and just start telling hidden secrets. I think that's why I like watching Pretty Little Liars and The Vampire Diaries and Bones. You learn so much as you go. At least I do, the more I watch. It's fun to me.

I just like learning and sharing. It doesn't mean I don't mind being by myself. Things are just a lot more fun when you include others. I feel as if even though there are times when I feel as if I'm losing myself, I am just going with the flow. I've learned you never know what outcome you are going to get. I'm just the type to assume the worst first. When something bad happens to me, I know it will continue. Yet, some days it doesn't go that way. I know now why they say to "hope for the best, and prepare for the worst." I think that's why it's another good reason to have a journal. When you write it down, years later back, and see how you've grown.

There are times where I feel like my best isn't good enough. I know that's how I started pushing myself. I would see how those around me were understanding it, and I would wonder what was wrong with me. Once I started getting help. I would go from there. I would continue on my own until I got to where I was satisfied. The one thing I noticed was once I did that, there was always one person to mention my shortcomings. I understood I did my dirt and that I may have dropped a few points. It didn't mean it had to do with another person. Something usually happened and I would have to work out a different strategy to fix my mistake.

Back then it was easier to handle my mistakes. Even then I knew excuses weren't going to get me anywhere. I still find myself using those times as examples to rethink about situations. I'm trying to get better at thinking before I do. I mess up, but that doesn't mean someone has to throw it all in my face the next time I mess up at something. I know I have pet peeves about tiny things. Yet, I really dislike that, and I end up learning late about when a person is like that. I just keep trying until I can pull myself together. I get into little funks, and I actually fight with myself to get past it.

When I get past it, I try to keep myself from getting in that position again. When I manage to do that, I can see how much I have changed. I may fight with myself back and forth, but in the end I know I will end up with a better outcome. Life teaches us lessons we may not want to learn. I know it's certainly taught me what not to do, and what I should do. That's one of the reasons I don't give up. I know practice makes perfect, and eventually I will succeed. As long as I don't give up on myself, I'm alright. I'm the one who has to make things happen. Even if I do complain on the way to making it. I'm still going to do it.

selfcare

About the author

katrina Taylor

I have been writing for many years. I'm more of a romance and nonfiction/fiction writer. I used to write poetry as well.

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