Behind the Scenes: Uncut

Ever feel like you are emotionally drowning?

I have.

This is a testimony to the life I lived. The struggles, the abuse, the victories. It isn't pretty, but whose life is all flowers and rainbows? We all have our demons, our crosses to bear. Everything happens for a reason; the reasons may just become clear over time.

I live my life on three principles; karma is a magnificently evil bitch, everything happens for a reason and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have lived a life worth sharing with those who feel the need to listen. It isn't a totally sad story, it is, however, a tear-jerker at times and you may feel a lump in your throat when you read what I have been through.

Now I know I am better off than most. There are people out there right now who are dealing with worse things than I ever have. My goal is to remind you that you are not alone, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and it's all going to be okay; at some point.

I lived a good life. Grew up with a family that loved each other. A family that is so supportive and caring, that writing this will shine a light on what was unknown.

This testimony is split into three parts to seem more relatable. I am not saying that I am the only person who has struggled with bullies, depression, or pressure with school; I am merely letting others know they are not alone in their battles.

I am also not like most writers. Everything written in my testimony has 100% been lived through by me. My own failures and victories. I am not a fictional character who is struggling in a made-up world - thus the relatability.

I want people to read this not to feel sorry for me but to be able to recognize the signs of bullying, depression, and internal damage. Just because someone acts fine, doesn't mean they truly are. It just means they are good at acting.

I look at my life and think about all the hurt I have felt. All the heartache, the headaches, and the abuse I have let happen over the years. I look at myself and even though I had it rough, I probably wouldn’t change a thing.

Yes, my life has been a rollercoaster of emotions, drama, and chaos, but I have learned from it, grow from it, and have become stronger because of it.

I want others to know that life happens and it is okay to feel like you are falling apart because at some point you will figure out how to put yourself back together.

*What is Depression?*

Well, I am certainly no doctor but hearing what a mental illness is from someone who suffers from it usually puts things into perspective.

Depression, to me, is wanting to cry on the bus, wanting to scream because I just can’t breathe and a feeling of drowning in my own emotions. It feels like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and I can't seem to find the energy to remove it.

Depression, to me, is hiding out for days in total isolation. Ignoring the basic need for human interaction because I am afraid I will make others feel uncomfortable.

Depression, to me, is throwing in my headphones and blasting music on full just to drown out all the other noises.

Depression is hereditary, I also believe depression can be the product of one’s environment. I, conveniently have been hit with both situations.

I have had a relatively normal childhood. I had a family that loved me, a good education and good friends growing up.

Looking back at my childhood, I can reflect on moments that could have been signs of depression. There is a difference between a depressed teenager and a moody one.

My parents were so invested in the mental health of my sibling to really pay attention to mine. They never really asked me about school; they would say “oh we don't have to worry about her”. With the lack of attention as a child, I started to think that I wasn't important enough for my family. I developed very low self-esteem at a young age and fell into a state of self-pity in my teenage years.

I found comfort in music without even realizing it. I would always have my headphones in while doing homework, on the bus ride to school and whenever I could in class. I felt like I was in my own little world where I found myself relating to the lyrics I was listening to. For a little while I even did some creative writing on my own blog; putting how I was either feeling or how I wanted to feel into words.

I was good at hiding it though. I would maintain a content composure around others for the most part. I would be fine on the outside but on the inside, all I wanted to do is break down and scream. All I wanted was to feel as though I was important enough. I wanted to be worried about, inquired about, and checked up on out of interest.

Growing up with a strong, fearless mother, I saw firsthand how depression can affect oneself and the people around them. My mother always had her mental health under control. She was good about taking her medication and never abused it in any way. She made it look normal to take medication and live a successful life. She is the strongest person I know and admire her in som many ways.

I want to be perfectly clear, my childhood was not a tortured one. It was one filled with love and amazing memories. I am not here to say that I had a horrific upbringing. I am here to say that mental health goes unnoticed in a lot of young people because people think they are one of two things; look fine or are moody. Neither of these are good enough reasons to just sweep it under the rug.

There needs to be more talk about mental health and the struggles that young people face on a daily basis. We know who is struggling or what their story is but listening is the first step to support. Dont let someone's story go unheard.