Be Still, Anxious Thoughts

Breathing hard and fast, on the edge of panic, I sit in my chair wondering which of my thoughts are the ones that I should listen to. There are so many competing for my attention and I don’t know how to stop hearing them. Confused, anxious, I tell myself to calm down but instead I begin to shake and tremble. I try closing my eyes, be still, relax my face, neck, shoulders. Instead, the panic overtakes my body as I silently cry out for help.

Recently I was diagnosed with MDD or Major Depressive Disorder. Apparently I have had this disorder since childhood and it has affected my quality of life during my lifetime. I have had many disappointments and failures in my life due to MDD. Often, I would wonder what was wrong with me and would seek help through counseling or friends. But nothing that I did helped the depth of the depression that was in my life. I just recently sought help again and I regret not knowing about MDD far sooner as I’ve experienced many or all of the symptoms of MDD in different parts of my lifetime.

The following is taken from the Mayo Clinic website and the entire article can be found at the Mayo Clinic — Major Depressive Disorder. I have and still do experience most or all of the symptoms listed in the article. I have picked just three of the ones that have impacted my life most profoundly to share a few personal experiences and how they affected me. I’m wondering if some of you can relate to some of the symptoms listed? If so, I sincerely hope that you can get help long before you’re in your golden years. Hopefully you will find this helpful in your own or someone else’s situation.

Major Depressive Disorder

“Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn’t worth living. More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn’t a weakness and you can’t simply “snap out” of it. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don’t get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychotherapy or both.” Mayo Clinic- Major Depressive Disorder

Symptoms in Adults

Depression can occur once or several times in a person’s lifetime. The symptoms can be severe enough to cause continual daily problems socially, mentally and physically. Some of these symptoms include:

sadness, hopelessness, anger, irritability, loss of interest in normal activities, insomnia, oversleeping, lack of energy, weight loss or gain, anxiety, restlessness, feeling worthless or guilty, confusion, low concentration, memory problems, trouble making decisions, anti social tendencies and suicidal thoughts.

Taken from Mayo Clinic- Major Depressive Disorder

As I said before, I chose three of the symptoms to talk about in this article even though I have had or currently have all of the symptoms listed. It’s overwhelming to think of how serious depression is and how much it affects every area of my life. Listen to these personal stories, they might just resonate with you.

Anxiety

One day long ago there was a little girl and she was obnoxious. She sought attention from anyone in any way that she knew how. But she couldn’t seem to make it work, all it did was make people turn away from her.

One day, she was outside the apartment where she lived and she heard her name called over and over again. Being the curious investigative child that she was, she headed toward the voice.

Finally, standing at the open door of a neighbor’s apartment, he walked toward her and that is when she began to scream. She ran and climbed and cried, inconsolable, terrified, panicked. When she finally came down from the tree that she had scurried up, she was afraid to tell anyone about what she saw.

Over the years her anxiety grew and grew and grew and became entwined into her very soul. Rooted and insidious, it hid well during her life except in certain situations that caused it to rear its ugly head. And it only got worse as the years went by.

Thinking

Confused, she couldn’t remember the incident that her husband was talking about. She thought maybe he was trying to pull her leg and make something up. Like the time he pointed out a mountain range and called them the Canadian Cascades. She didn’t know any better and believed him because she was a trusting and naïve person after all.

This time, however, he was bringing up an event that actually happened. She saw the photos of the place that they traveled to and heard the funny story of what happened there. But she had no memory of that event. None. She never did have a very good memory, she had always admitted it freely.

She had no idea why she couldn’t remember things. She just knew that sometimes her thoughts were like scrambled eggs and that decisions were stressful because it seemed like she made wrong ones most of the time. What was wrong with her mind?

Isolation

Ever since she was a child, she preferred being alone. It was easier than trying to fit in and be accepted. Her heart longed for people to talk to but she was afraid to approach them. She had a few friends but was a little nervous around them. There was a time when she was in high school that she was invited to go to a party. It was the first and last time that she ever went to a party. She felt isolated even there, scorned and rejected by her peers, the ones that she longed to fit in with. Needless to say, she left the party early and went home to be alone. As an adult she was afraid to go out of her house because she didn’t want to come into contact with anyone. It was just easier to be alone. So she read books and wrote in her journal to try to fill the emptiness, the aloneness.

Those are mostly true scenarios of the things that I have faced because of undiagnosed and untreated Major Depressive Disorder. Anxiety, confused thoughts, isolation. These three are enough for any person to handle without adding all the other symptoms listed. Ever since the incident with the neighbor, I have had the symptoms of MDD, gradually worsening over the years, never getting better. Undiagnosed, untreated, I was isolated. Sinking into quicksand, deeper through every passing year. Crying out for help silently because I didn’t know how to ask for help verbally. I now have hope that I have the opportunity to get better and have a better quality of life. I have the diagnosis and I have the will to try. What else do I need?

I sincerely hope that if you can relate to any part of this article that you will consider seeking help for yourself. Thanks for reading!

Awareness is the path to change.