Battle Of The Mind

When I was born, I had medical problems. My right lung collapsed, and my heart stopped right as my mom was getting cut open to birth me. I was revived (obviously), and then I spent about a month or so in the NICU in an incubator.

Once I was able to go home, I was alright. Up until 5 years later, in 1986. My mom said that she thought I was in the bathroom for too long, so she opened the bathroom door, and I was sitting on the toilet, but my head was resting on the side of the bathtub. I was unconscious, so they got me to the hospital.

They did an E.E.G. (Electroencephalogram) on me, which basically tests my brain waves, to check for abnormalities. After a few tests were done, they concluded that I had Childhood Epilepsy. Shortly thereafter, I was put on Dilantin, an anti-convulsant medication.

Fast forward 5 years more, 1991. I was 10 years old. My Grand-Mal Epileptic seizures suddenly just stopped. BUUUUT... The bad news, is...

I began to act out, become defiant with my parents, and had this inexplicable rage that was obviously abnormal. It landed me in juvenile hall, and I became a ward of the state when I was 17 years old. I was out of control, and my mom, being the single parent she was... Couldn't handle my out of control behavior. I'd gotten permanently expelled from high school at the beginning of my 10th-grade year. I ended up in a youth correctional facility until a week before my 20th birthday.

So, I was basically a juvenile delinquent. Due to my behavior as a young child, my parents sought out psychologists to do psychological evaluations on me, but none of those quacks could explain my behavior, nor where it stemmed from.

Every job I had in my past I had gotten fired from. I don't remember why, but I'm sure my attitude had something to do with it. When I was 27 years old, after I had my 4th child, I decided to go get a psych eval done on myself. It took 2 sessions at Jackson County Mental Health, for them to determine that I was mentally ill.

The woman who read my results to me had informed me that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as BPD), Bipolar Disorder Type 2, Social Anxiety Disorder, and PTSD from childhood trauma and past relationship abuse. I was prescribed Lamotrigine, which I take once a day.

When I was 36 years old, I found out who my birth father was. Before then, I never questioned who my dad was, because the man who had a part in raising me, before my parents separated, and my mom and I moved to Oregon from Nevada... I never questioned it.

So, one day, I was having a conversation with my mom about our blood types, and I said my blood type is B+. My mom then proceeded to tell me that the man I've been knowing as "Dad" all my life, was not my dad then. She said, "An A+ person and an O+ person cannot make a B+ baby." She then told me about the other man she had finished dated right about the time she met my "Dad".

Apparently, he (my biological father) told her not to tell me that he was on heroin when I was conceived. So, I put two and two together and started thinking about where my Epilepsy, mental illness, my juvenile delinquent behavior, the reason my children were taken from me due to my mental illness, and all of the bad things I did as a child, and my hot ass explosive temper... My problems at birth... Came from. It was because of my biological father's dumb choice to have unprotected sex while on drugs. So, I'm basically the product of a drug addict.

To this day, I have learning problems, especially when it comes to math. I have always struggled with math. I never did good in school and I got bullied for being "different". I still think of those ugly things people have said to me, and I'm trying to get over it.

Mental illness is no joke. Yes, I have attempted suicide. Once, I almost didn't make it. Since my last experience with that, I vowed to never try that again. Even though my life hasn't been and currently isn't a cakewalk, I'm determined not to let the battle of myself versus my mental illness be defeated by mental illness.

It is said that most mentally ill people, despite this disability, are indeed extremely talented and intelligent. Ironically, that sits true with me. I'm a good writer, I'm a good singer, I'm a good rapper, I'm a good artist, and I can impersonate certain celebrities' voices, like Ed O'Neill, for example. (Al Bundy from Married With Children), Apu from The Simpsons, Eddie Murphy, and I also play keyboard and guitar by ear.

Despite the many downfalls I've experienced, I've decided that I'm going to give life a try. Try to defeat mental illness, by not giving in to the voices that say to end it all. Who knows what I could've been, had I succeeded 7 years ago with my suicide attempt. I recommend you try to succeed in life. It's hard, and I know from experience. But, if you can just try one day at a time, have a good support group, and tons of music, then please do so. Mental illness is a daily battle that I do not wish upon any living being. Don't sweep mental illness under the rug...