Awkward

In the outside world (aside from family) I have always found it easier to talk to strangers over those who are familiar to me. For example, I can be waiting at the bus stop and find myself ‘chatting’ briefly to a stranger with little discomfort. Perhaps that is partly because I am aware that the interaction will be interrupted by the bus’s imminent arrival. I have in the past, much to my horror, found myself seated next to the ‘chatty’ person on the bus following our conversation outside. This is not meant to happen. This is not part of the deal. Our interaction is meant to end upon boarding. Do Not tell me that this person expects me to continue the conversation. Anyway, nowadays I am much more vigilant and prepared for this. There are two approaches to be employed. 1. Board the bus and quickly locate a single seat in a congested area of the bus (reducing the likelihood of the ‘chatty person’ locating a seat near me). 2. Insisting the ‘chatty person’ boards the bus first. Then following him/her on. This buys you some time to watch them take their seat and choose yours accordingly – (away from theirs). This can be awkward when they select a seat with ample room for you nearby, making you feel obligated to take your seat there.

I can be waiting at the bus stop the next day and see the ‘chatty person’ approaching again and suddenly become mute. I am no longer the ‘other chatty person’ that they met yesterday. Sorry, but that was an act. It wasn’t actually me. It was for your benefit and it was a once only offer. Apologies for any confusion or inconvenience this may cause. I will smile and mouth a ‘hi’ and then promptly become distracted by some emergency text – adding an eye roll or shake of the head for added authenticity if I sense it’s necessary. Then busily tap tap tap away onto a blank screen. Anything to avoid having someone think they can get to know me. The crazy thing is..they probably don’t even care or think twice about it. But in my busy little mind, with my neurosis I need to take action, be prepared. I don’t like to be caught off guard. I would hate to give someone the wrong idea – have them think that I was an ‘easy going’ type who was ‘always up for a yarn’. Better to be upfront. That way no one gets hurt.

The supermarket is tricky. I live in a relatively small town and there are two supermarkets. I alternate between them for my grocery shopping. There is one particular girl I feel okay about approaching. She doesn’t talk much. She just pops the items through the scanner. I appreciate that. There is nothing worse than the forced and rehearsed ‘how’s your day going so far?’ I mean, my answer is always the same. Its boring. ‘Yes, not too bad thanks’ (full stop, the end). People assume that you are going to elaborate on that. But how can I? I have not had time to prepare! Or worse… ‘up to much today?’ ‘oh, um…not really’(full stop, the end). So awkward! I often scan the available check outs in order to gauge which one will provide the most painless exit.

I have been this way for as far back as I remember. In primary school I developed a set of rules by which to exist and survive with my SM. One time, there was this girl, Sara, who I got to know through my sister, Jo (a year my junior). She came over to hang out with Jo, and being around the same age, and (being that we were at home) I was able to talk to her. I was even able to be my ‘home’ self, my ‘real’ self, my fun self. Sara fell into the ‘people I can talk to’ category in my ‘rule book’. She was at my house a lot and we became close friends. But one day we were out, with her parents, at some sports event on the weekend and she ran into a girl, Natasha, from my class. The three of us stood there and I went silent. Shut down completely. I couldn’t talk with Natasha there because I didn’t’ talk at school and Natasha knew me as ‘the girl who doesn’t talk’ and so I had to be that. I couldn’t suddenly talk now. She would die of shock. Even though Sara was in the ‘people I can talk to’ category, that was overruled. Natasha joining us complicated the whole situation and the ‘people who must not hear me talk’ rule took precedence. It was a horrible day. Sara and Natasha thought that hanging out all together would be fun. I made some excuse about feeling sick and Sara’s dad drove me home.

I could talk to kids at parties, who didn’t go to my school, as long as they didn’t know someone who went to my school who knew me as ‘the girl who didn’t talk’. The kids in my class were blacklisted. Banished to the extreme danger zone. And I had to be very careful when I was out at the shopping mall. I was caught out once or twice, much to my horror by a classmate creeping up behind me or just being in close proximity whilst I was talking away to my mum or sisters.

Even when I was pregnant with my second child, I had the dilemma. There was a new approach to prenatal care whereby you had the option of having the same midwife attend all your check ups and a good chance of her attending the birth. ‘that continuity of care is a good thing’ I was told. Well, not for me. I wanted, I needed randomness with attendants. I needed to have a different, non-familiar person attend to me. I did not need the added stress of forming a bond or relationship or just a ‘familiarity’ with someone on top of the stress of birth. A stranger would do just nicely thank you. Whomever is on staff will be great. Surprise me. You would think that during labour and childbirth this would be the last thing on my mind. And it was, but it was still present. It was more so the thought of it leading up to the birth. There were a team of four midwives, all lovely, and I scheduled my ante natal appointments at different times to get a varied mix.

This preference I have for ‘non-familiarity’ in interactions has stayed with me throughout my life and has posed difficulties for me in my working life, relationships and daily life in a myriad of ways. Unfortunately, there seems to be a default assumption amongst most folk that what’s good for one is good for all. It simply isn’t the case.