Awareness

*Motifs of mental health and suicide please do not read if it will bother you

Awareness is something that I think a lot of people tend to forget about. Awareness that even when you are kept late at work and have to deal with traffic and suddenly remember that you need to pick up something from the store and have to go through multiple lanes before you can find a parking spot and then have to weave your way through a large crowd of people who are also doing last minute shopping on a Monday night and even though these are all small tedious things, they have piled up and now it seems as if the whole world is against you, that even then, there are people around you who are struggling as well. There is a fight that so many of us seem to have within ourselves and we become so focused on our own fight we forget that there are others who are also fighting something similar, maybe something worse. Sometimes the fight we are struggling to win becomes too difficult one day and all of the emotion and torment that has been building up within us comes out in a torrent of carelessness and lack of compassion for others blinding us from seeing their pain...

It’s currently late September in a small mountain town in Western Colorado, the leaves have changed color and there’s a chill in the air warning that winter is right around the corner. I usually love this time of year, my parents and I have already begun setting up the Christmas decorations even though there is still three months until the day even comes, but we’re too excited to care. We make fresh apple cider and apple pie and start the fire and play board games when we have the time. Despite the work that we are loaded with before break we are happy. But this year is different. My mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer in March and she is in the hospital fighting for her life instead of home. When my dad and I are not at the hospital with her we are at the house, him now working from home and me doing online classes instead of going to the community college right outside of town. There is no apple cider, no pie or warm fire, just this chill that has taken over more than our home.

I am walking to Lya’s, a small coffee shop that my friend owns. I used to go there frequently to study and spend time with my mom between classes. Now I am only going to quickly grab a coffee before class to fight the exhaustion threatening to overtake me.

I walk inside and the warmth of the shop envelops me. Not only because of the heater in the corner but because of the long line of people waiting. So much for a quick stop. I wait in line, impatiently bouncing my leg and continuously looking down at my watch to make sure I won’t be late for my class, mentally kicking myself for leaving so late and for not thinking about bringing my computer with me. Fifteen minutes later and there is only the man in front of me who is currently ordering. The owner of the shop, my friend Lyanna, is the one taking his order. I don’t pay much mind to their exchange until he begins shouting. I honestly can’t understand much of what he says but I think it’s something about them being out of a type of food. I feel bad for Lyanna, she’s apologizing but he doesn’t listen. Now I not only feel bad for her but am getting pissed off because he’s taking more time that I don’t have. He finally relents when she offers to give him his drink for free. Typical asshole of the day.

I get up to the counter and say hello to Lyanna. She apologizes about the wait and enters my usual order into the system. She asks how my mom is doing and I reply the same way I always do. She hasn’t improved but she’s holding on. I ask how she’s doing and she says good, a common answer you get from most people you ask that question too. Today something about her seems different though. She’s smiling and friendly but her eyes are sad. It’s as if there’s a weight in her shoulders that she doesn’t usually have. I consider asking her if she’s ok but there’s a long line still behind me and I need to get going…

It’s now 7pm and the sun has set. It’s gotten significantly colder and I changed into a thicker sweater. I’ve finished all of my school work for the day and am getting ready to go to the hospital. Calling Lyanna briefly crosses my mind but I quickly forget about it as thoughts if my mom and getting to the hospital take over. Once I arrive I get to her room and set my stuff down. I help her eat dinner and get relaxed for the night. My phone rings letting me know I’m getting a call. I ignore it and continue to take care of my mom. Once she is taken care of I settle into a chair in the corner of her room and take out a book to read. I get through maybe three chapters before I feel my eyes begin to get heavy and I fade off to sleep…

There’s a buzzing next to my head. I reach my hand out searching the table next to me to turn off my alarm. It stops. My head snaps up as I realize that it wasn’t my alarm that was going off. I never touched my phone but it shut off; that was a call. I reach over grabbing my phone as I rub the last bit of sleep out of my eyes and look at the screen. It’s a number I don’t recognize. There’s two missed calls from that number though as well as five from Lyanna. It begins to worry me that she called me that many times. Who was the other caller though? I click contacts and as I go to type in Lyanna’s name a text notification pops up on the screen. It’s from her brother.

She’s gone…

I know this is a dark story but I wrote it because it’s also very real. Not this story particularly but the message behind it is. It is important to take care of yourself and try to fight through what you are going through but if you notice that someone else is struggling as well do not hesitate to talk to them. They will not always want to talk but even sending a positive message or simply letting them know you are there can make all the difference in the world. Spreading that positivity can be extremely beneficial to them and can easily come full circle to help you when you need it one day. I am not going to say you have to do this. It is difficult to be aware of those around you when you are struggling yourself but if you can be aware, awareness can promote patience and understanding and compassion and even the small acts that come out of those can improve the lives of so many people.

“Just because no one else can heal or do your inner work for you doesn’t mean you can, should, or need to do it alone.”

-Lisa Olivera

Remember you never walk alone.