Autistic Burnout and Depression

Somewhere between over-sharing and watch me never talk again in this bihh.

I posted on my Instagram story that I would write this elaborate article on Autistic Burnout and Clinical Depression— I even had this whole plan of titling it that.

A desperate cry, not for help, but to echo off of enough people to feel I have a proper frame of reference.

Look I’m pretty good at penning poetry but talking about real stuff is— harder.

But I’ll try my best

The reason this article didn’t get written last week when I announced it, is the exact thing I’ll be talking about here today.

Burnout is a suhnavabish, obviously.

Burnout symptoms can include but are certainly not limited to:

• Sense of failure and self-doubt.
• Feeling helpless, trapped, and defeated.
• Detachment, feeling alone in the world.
• Loss of motivation.
• Increasingly cynical and negative outlook.
• Decreased satisfaction and sense of accomplishment.
• Feeling exhausted

These symptoms can often mask or exist alongside depression symptoms. That being said, anxiety and depression exist in high comorbidity in the autism community.

Autism is a spectrum so I can’t and honestly wouldn’t even want to try and speak for others— I just want to hopefully inspire a discussion in talking about my perspective.

Maybe it’ll mean something

If you made it this far maybe you know, maybe you don’t know, that I received my diagnosis in 2017, year 5 of my undergraduate in Harrisburg.

I’m not going to talk about the chaos that these past four years have brought on this road to acceptance.

Well— I guess it’s not chaos really.

Look, playing keep up with society is exhausting. (I was referring to everyone else as neurotypicals until I was able to get for along enough through my burnout to notice something).

I was under the mistaken impression that my life had changed in 2017.

“OMG what are all of these NEW things that are happening to me?!”

—then, after four years of spiraling HARD, and joining an employee resource group for this kind of thing, it finally hit me.

One of my coworkers in the group when asked “what’s one thing you want people to know about Autism,” responded simply this.

“A child with autism, will grow up to be an adult with autism.”

I didn’t get autism in 2016-2017, I got diagnosed. I got a description of me, and a way to start understanding myself— and I’ve been autistic since I was born.

Diagnosis at 23, means 23 years assuming you are supposed to be performing, understanding, and interacting at the same level as everyone else. Truthfully, when you have a mother who is obsessed about what she looks like as a parent it becomes easy to want to do everything to mask your own issues.

“At least mom will feel good when they say how NORMAL I am. I just need to push a little harder”.

So I did. I pushed to meet all of the metrics I was supposed to meet, earlier than the age I was supposed to to avoid anyone noticing how hard I struggled to get there. And at a certain point, because of growing up in trenches, it became harder to notice— or, uhh at least easier to mask.

And when I left for college it was absolutely not because it was the move I wanted to make. And for a moment there I thought it was still me masking trying to just BE.

Recently I’ve come to appreciate a little more that chain of events. For a brief moment, I met my soon to be wife, and she felt like rest. Just knowing her was peaceful. I didn’t feel so much like I was performing any more. Even my “bad days” seemed more organic with her. She made me feel so invincible I was sure I could really do anything like:

- set up an after school arts/tutoring group to help a local Rec center.

-run the university’s athletic club

-go to and help plan every University event I could attend

-make sure to get ample face time with professors and faculty

-help younger students coming in get settled and find there way

I could be the perfect student and I had finally wanted it again...

Well that was until I tried moving on my own and trying to work and maintain my little shared apt became too much. Then I had to move back home with my mom, things got really rough with my fiancé (then girlfriend at the time).

I burnt out. Again.

Post diagnosis I was able to more easily assess my triggers and do now try my best to steer clear of them, especially knowing I do have moderate depression. I know when the apathy lingers it’s probably a sign of something deeper.

Anyway for the REAL IMPORTANT part of this whole thing. What autistic burnout IS and things that I’m trying at least to deal properly. I’ll let you guys know how it goes.

Autistic Burnout can look like but is not limited too:

• Increased frustration;
• More frequent emotional outbursts;
• Chronic fatigue or exhaustion.
• Loss of skills

That last one can be very scary. When most other people think about burning out, they pain over the exhaustion and physical pain that can sometimes come with it. That, I’ve always been prepared for at least. I watched my mom burnout working two jobs and going to school while raising three children.

I get it.

But the idea that you can regress into a former evolutionary point in your learning process can be frustrating, especially knowing how long it took you to get there in the first place.

I don’t WANT to lose skills. But I do need to be honest with myself and those around me about what is going on. And I want folk in the community who don’t know, ESPECIALLY IF YOU WERE DIAGNOSED AS AN ADULT, to please be mindful of you are experiencing any of these symptoms. And as always, reach out to a therapist you few comfortable with.

Sorry for the rambling but if I go back and edit this, I’m never going to post this one. You guys stay safe out there and don’t give up. Remember, you already learned it once... it’ll be a cake walk the next time.