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Are You Dealing with the Guilt and Shame of Alcoholism

Experience of an Alcohol Addicted Person

By Evie MillsPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
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An Alcoholic's Nightmare

I awoke with a start, a bit groggy and a lot hung-over. As I tried to recall the events of the night before, I felt a vague memory of a car wreck slipping into my consciousness. A sense of dread descended on me like a storm cloud enveloping a mountain peak. The dread turned to fear, and I hurried to dress and go out the back door to the driveway. I had to look at my car! I had to know for sure!

Heaven knows I'd watched enough detective shows to know what to look for. I was so scared that I would find blood on my car or paint chips on the bumper. I could think of nothing else as my head began to pound. I looked up as the motion detector turned on the light over the carport. My car was not there!

Hurriedly, I went to the front door and looked out. My car was parked, rather badly, on the street in front of the house. I could not remember parking it there. "Oh, my God!" I thought to myself, the cops probably saw my car over there."

I needed to lay down for a few minutes; besides it was too dark to see anything outside and I didn't want to draw attention to my car in case any of my neighbors were up at that hour. "I'll drive the car around back and wash it when it gets light. No one will suspect anything."

Sleep swallowed my consciousness and my headache.

Living a nightmare

I slipped in and out of sleep all through the rest of the night. As dawn approached, it was still too dark to see well and I couldn't remember if I even had a flashlight. So, I decided to wait before going out again. I hoped the kids would still be asleep then.

The fear grew stronger when I heard a siren. It was a cop car. I moved quickly to the bathroom and threw up. Then I went to the bedroom window to peak outside and see if they were going to stop . I was slightly relieved when they sped past my house. They could always turn around, you know.

Sitting in the dark in the living room, I tried to think how to shield my four kids from the terrible knowledge of what I had done last night. I couldn't call the grand-parents, not at this hour--not in this condition. The ex? Ha! Wouldn't he love this. I can't think about this right now.

Looking Over My Shoulder

I knew it was morning by the blinding light, the bickering kids, and the booming volume of 'Wiley Coyote and the Roadrunner'. I made the mistake of turning my head and opening an eye.

Mickey bounded to his feet and almost beat his sisters to the question which was, none the less, spoken in unison loud enough to drown out any cartoon, "Can we go to the park today? You promised!"

The chance to look my car over in secret was gone. The kids were demanding to go to the park and I had to think of something quick.

Ok, ok! But first you eat breakfast, and clean your rooms while I wash the car. Then we will go to the park. Another question screamed in unison nearly shattered my eardrums, "Can I help wash the car?"

"NO!" I screamed back. "GET IN THERE AND declutter THOSE ROOMS. THOSE ROOMS AREN'T CLEANED TO MY SATISFACTION WE WON'T GO ANYWHERE! GOT IT? GO EAT BREAKFAST!"

The kids started to pretend-clean their rooms, I drove the car around to the backyard and checked it over. I was baffled but somewhat relieved. My car wasn't all crunched up. There were no new dents, there was no blood, and there were no paint chips.

Ask for Help

You may need professional help. There are any number of drug and alcohol related websites that can lead you to someone who will help you.

Anywhere you are in the world, there are AA and NA groups that hold regular meetings.

Please seek help if you think you may be an alcoholic or addict. There are links with contact information to AA and NA listed below.

Life can be so much more rewarding for you and your friends and family. You deserve a good life!

A couple of facts about addiction

Estimates of the total overall costs of substance abuse in the United States is estimated at over $600 billion annually. This statistic relates to lost productivity, health issues, legal issues, familial problems and much, much more.

Addiction is a chronic, brain disease. It causes compulsive drug seeking and use, which affects everyone around the addict. Relapse is quite common among recovering people, but does not have to mean total failure. With individually tailored treatment, addiction can be overcome. I’m recovering though I vape sometimes as a coping strategy whenever I suffer from depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions.

Share your experience, strength and hope.

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The good news is that it can stop! There is hope! I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. There are roomfuls of people who understand what you are going through right where you live. The cycle can be broken.

addiction
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About the Creator

Evie Mills

Designing, Blogging, Relationships, Social Media, Lifestyle.

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