anxiety

Anxiety. Such a small and seemingly harmless word. To the people who are lucky enough not to have it, congrats. You will never know the struggle that we face while trying to complete the smallest tasks. The struggle that we face when we use the curling iron and then have to leave the house. After checking for the third time that you did in fact unplug it when you already knew that you did, you can breathe a little easier. To the people lucky enough not to have it, congrats. You will never know what its like to have to kiss your dog the same about of times each time you leave them for fear that something may happen to them if you don't. Or how you have to send your mom the exact same text message before bed for fear that if you don't something may happen to her. Checking the door locks before bed is fun right? Y'all know what I'm talking about. Or maybe you don't if you don't have anxiety.

I don't know when it started, maybe I was just born with it? I remember being a child around the age of 6 and crying myself to sleep at night because I was afraid of dying. Once I got a little older I stopped being afraid of myself dying and started to worry about my parents dying. I went through a hair pulling phase (better known as trichotillomania) , a phase where if I touched something at the store I had to touch it again to "get my finger prints back" and several years of intrusive thoughts. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts but am now better able to deal with them because I know that they are not "my" thoughts but it took some time to get to that point.

Anxiety isn't sexy and it isn't easy to explain to someone who has never experienced it. It is difficult to explain to your husband that you are not the fun police and that you really enjoy having fun but that sometimes your anxiety prevents that from happening because all the worst scenario situations are running through your brain. It is difficult to explain to your parents as a child why you are upset when you keep having intrusive thoughts about them being harmed when you know that you don't want that to happen but have no idea why it wont stop. It is difficult to explain why you used to enjoy going to six flags and riding roller coasters but now even the thought of being in line for a roller coaster makes you hyperventilate. Words are hard sometimes.

Did I turn the light off and other odd questions I ask myself even though I know that I know the answer. I have this inherent need to protect the people and animals (my pups!) that I love. As a child I had anxiety about something happening to my parents, and I still have anxiety about that. When my mom doesn't immediately answer the phone when I call her my mind goes to the absolute worst place. I get extreme anxiety about leaving my dogs alone during the day. I worry about them so much.

As a mental health counselor I am aware that most mental illness occurs as a protective mechanism. For example: individuals who have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) develop it after a traumatic event. The PTSD can be triggered by similar events or any event that the mind perceives as a threat. This is to protect you, to tell your mind that "hey this looks familiar, maybe we should run or fight". Mental illness is not a flaw, but just a different way that your mind perceives threats and how to handle them. It is your mind's job to protect you and to make sure that you can continue to stay alive and the way that it interprets danger can change after you have experienced something traumatic. Keep this in mind the next time that you feel less than or slighted by your mental health; your mind wants to keep you safe.

Talking about my anxiety is something that I have been hesitant to tell people about, especially the OCD components because they can be scary and hard for people to understand who have no knowledge on the topic. Putting all of this into written words is like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I am sure that they are other people that can relate to what I am going through, so that means that no matter what you are going through there are also people that can relate to it. So don't be afraid to speak up, speak out or reach out for help. We are all more similar than we are different.

I wanted to write this as a welcome letter to anyone who is struggling with any sort of mental health issues. Please reach out to someone you trust, please talk to someone because it can get better with support.