Anxiety and Me

It's just my anxiety and me. We've become best friends. She goes everywhere with me and we make all of our decisions together.

What some people understand is that we are a package deal. We find love in those who do not see love in us because they can not understand why simple tasks are not easy for us. They do not understand that it's not easy to accept that we deserve to be loved and that the mental breakdowns that transpire are unavoidable.

I can not go anywhere without my anxiety. We've become best friends. She keeps me from having other friends.

What my friends do not understand is that I love them. My anxiety tells me they don't love me. I don't mean to question their friendship and I don't mean to pull away. We're a package deal my anxiety and me. She won't let me go.

I am stuck with my anxiety.

It's debilitating. Much more that people understand so. She makes my chest tight. She makes me nauseous. She makes me afraid to leave my bed. I fight with my own head, begging her to let me love me. I want to have friends and successful relationships. But it's difficult. And at the end of the day, it's just my anxiety and me.

There's never a day that goes by that my anxiety doesn't affect me. I'm a walking whirlwind. I hear the doubt in my head, the tightness in my chest, the ringing in my ears. It's difficult to know that you're not alone. That it isn't just my anxiety and me. There are other people who understand my world. It's a struggle to understand that I am not a burden. That I'm not a mistake and there is nothing wrong with me. But those days are far and few between.

More often than not, it's just my anxiety and me. I hear the doubt in my head. I feel the tightness in my chest. I hear the ringing in my ears. I watch the people leave my life because I push them away out of fear instead of letting them try and stay.We’re a package deal. How do you explain to someone that there’s a voice in your head that makes you isolate yourself from everyone. How do you explain to someone that their comment about your clothes made you overthink to the point that you decided to stay home because the thought of someone else seeing you in something that one person didn’t like is debilitating. How do you explain to your boyfriend that you don’t mean to irritate him by questioning if he actually cares about you, but you can’t help it because your anxiety tells you he doesn’t.

It’s this constant battle in your own head. Trying to understand why you can’t just be normal. Struggling to figure out what is real and what is not and when you’ll be able to grab hold of your life instead of letting anxiety control it for you. Trials and therapy and medications to make you “normal”. To make you not spazz out and think the world is out to get you.

I wish that I could explain that it’s just my anxiety and me. I wish people understood that that’s not the way I want it. I want to be free from the reigns of my own head and that one day I’d like to feel good enough. Be enough. Happy enough. I want to release the tightness in my chest. Drown out the ringing in my ears. Silence the doubt in my head. What’s worse is that I’m scared to be without her. We’ve become best friends, my anxiety and me. I have anxiety about not having anxiety. This constant companion. Although a constant bully, at least I know I’m never alone. My anxiety and me. I guess that’s the way it’ll always be.