Anorexia

My struggle with loving myself as I am since I was in 11th grade. It started with my friends always making comments about how big my boobs were and then how big my bottom was. I've always been self conscious of how I looked. I've always been a C cup and had a big bottom and though my friends may have been saying it as a compliment, to me it just made me feels worse. It got worse when boys in high school started to make comments about my weight and mean girls in high school were even worse. It started with healthy weight loss at first; going to the gym, eating healthier and drinking more water. But I didn't see any results, so I started eating less, working out more and drinking mostly water. But when even that wasn't enough for me, I straight up started not eating, working out super hard and drinking only water. This went on for about 6 months. During that time, I met a guy who destroyed me mentally, he would comment how I ate a lot when I actually ate and compare my body to other women's bodies. My dad also made comments about how much I ate even though I'd go days without eating and when I did eat, it was only a bite or two of cereal, as I could never finish my bowl. I was literally bones, my ribs protruded through my skin, my face was very thin and my arms were tiny. The only kind of weight I had was my thighs. But I still didn't feel skinny enough. I still wanted to lose more weight. I wanted to be perfect, just like the women all over the internet and magazines. I felt like my body wasn't enough and that I was ugly. I got a gym membership and spent hours working out. After work, I'd go workout, with nothing but water in my system. My mental health was depleting the longer I kept destroying myself and my body. It wasn't until I met the love of my life that everything changed. I met him at work and while I was there I was still anorexic. He asked me a couple of times if I was hungry, and the look on his face every time I told him I wasn't hungry, and he gave me a look that made me feel something. We started officially dating and on our dates, I started eating, a little at a time. I couldn't eat a whole lot, but I ate enough. Now this wasn't some miraculous story about how he instantly changed my life and how I was No, this took time, a lot of time. It started out with little things, he would never comment on what I ate, he would always call me beautiful. Though I never felt beautiful, he helped me a little bit at a time by giving me hope that one day I may feel beautiful again. I had decided that I wanted to get better. I wanted to have a great future and to be healthy and happy with my body. But the first month we started dating, I was hit with a very bad kidney infection. I wasn't able to keep any food or water down. I was so thin, thinner than I had ever been. I got so upset because I felt like garbage and I was upset at how all of my progress disappeared. But I kept fighting, because I wanted to be healthy again, I needed to be healthy again. After another few months, I had finally started being healthy mentally and physically. It wasn't easy, I fought everyday not to go back to the person I was before. I fought everyday with the image that I was ugly and not worth anything. I wasn't over weight but I wasn't super thin any more. I finally was eating normal again and I was genuinely happy. And then we found out we were expecting a baby. My first two months of being pregnant, I developed hyperemesis gravidarum; extreme vomiting during pregnancy. I lost thirty pounds while pregnant and I was so upset with myself. I was upset that I couldn't keep down any food, that I couldn't leave the bedroom without throwing up. I was angry and upset with myself. And then the miscarriage happened. I remember the day like it was yesterday. May 23rd, 2020. I went into a deep state of depression. I didn't want to leave the bed, I ate my pain away, all I did was cry. I gained all of my weight back and 40 pounds extra. Then in August I went to my birthday party and took a photo and realized how much I left myself go. So this month, I decided to start losing weight in a healthy way. I started doing a little working out everyday, drinking more water and eating extremely healthy. I don't look at the scale, because I don't want to discourage myself and the progress that I've already made.

Now I know this story was every where. But this is my story of how I am conquering my mental illness with anorexia. It has been a long and tiring journey, but I refuse to give up. It hasn't been easy at all and it seems like life has been trying to ruin me every chance it can get. But I am determined to make it through. I want to be healthy and strong. Maybe one day, I can be both