AnXiEtY

Growing up is inevitable, there is absolutely no way around it. Unfortunately there are many obstacles thrown at us as we grow - although these aren't always bad they're usually thrown at us for learning experiences. There are many nights that I catch myself hiding out in my room after a long day of work, or school - for me, these are obstacles. Sometimes I'll spend a whole day in my room, barely leaving or interacting with a house full of people. For me, after a day of forced interaction with people - I need some time to myself to rejuvenate. There are days that I feel really good, but my anxiety is always with me.

When I wake up in the morning, I have to get myself ready and make sure I feel acceptable to go out in public. This has always been a struggle for me. Since I was around 13 years old, I was always criticized about my body and weight by girls and boys who I went to school with. Society has this expectation for girls to have "the perfect bodies" and if you don't fit into those categories, you're either too big or too small. This has been something that has stuck with me my whole life. There was nothing I could do to change it. When I was in middle school, I purposely would eat the most fattening foods that I could in order to try and gain weight. This wasn't for my own satisfaction, this was for everyone else who would make comments about MY body that have stuck with me to this day. Because of this, my entire wardrobe had changed - I started wearing baggy clothes so that people couldn't see my body. So that they didn't know what my body looked like, that it didn't fit into THEIR "perfect body" expectations that barely any women truly have. I guess people don't think before they criticize someone else's body, or think that it could stick with them for years after.

I am constantly in conflict with my own mind. The slightest embarrassing thing that I do will replay in my mind throughout the whole day. Hoping that nobody noticed, but they always do. My first reaction is to laugh with them so I don't feel like I am being laughed at. For me, the little things mean the most and any kind of negative reaction bothers me. I will think about it for hours, maybe days. There are things that I will do that maybe only I notice, but I worry that others notice too and talk about. Its like a constant worry of embarrassing yourself even around people that you're comfortable with.

A deadline that is given to me, or a time to be somewhere will be in my head and on my mind until I get there. I like to know when things are ahead of time so that I can plan my schedule accordingly. I hate last minute plans that aren't solidified because it brings me anxiety about what to do or where to go. Let's use work for example, we'll stay that I start my shift at 11 AM. I live eight minutes away from my job, but I set my alarms for 8:30-9:00 to ASSURE that I am up and ready in time for work... It only takes me a half hour to get ready and eight minutes to get to work, but I HAVE to have that extra time, just in case... This is also exhausting because I know that I don't need to wake up that early, but I panic if I don't in fear that something could go wrong and I would be late.

A constant battle in my mind is with people who are closest to me. Everyone gets into arguments and disagreements sometimes - those "little" arguments are huge to me and my mind. My initial thought to any argument is that the other party involved is tired of me and no longer wants to deal with my moods or me for that matter. This feeling is exhausting - it's almost never really the case, but that is where my mind goes almost every time. You literally get a feeling of abandonment because you usually don't get close to people, you probably have a small group that you're truly "close" to, so you're scared to lose one for the fear of everything you put into getting close to that person. Odds are it took a pretty long time to even become close to those people in the first place, because that is a struggle for you. The thought of getting close to someone else and having to start over with someone else is horrifying. It causes a sense of panic to the point where you feel like you can't breathe. You're basically suffocating yourself, mentally and physically. Any type of drama or fights will trigger this. And there have been very many messy situations with my own mind because of these situations. This type of anxiety doesn't let you see the good side of the situation, you convince yourself that you're too much to handle for people and that is why they get tired of you. Because you have a mindset that others don't understand.

What an anxiety attack feels like for ME:

Set aside all of the things that could cause anxiety. Pretend you're driving on your way to work, or school or wherever you may be going. You're driving in the car, listening to your favorite album - singing along, and you get an empty feeling in your chest that goes to your stomach. I used to wonder what could have caused this feeling to just occur out of nowhere, and after years of paying attention to my body and mind I think I have finally figured it out... The song playing triggers a memory, a person, or a time in my life that caused me stress. Although I might not have been thinking about this specific event or person - your memory was. It gets triggered by little things that we might not be paying attention to, but our brain is. I'll feel a sinking feeling go into my stomach, like you're going to throw up, and everything spins for a second. Not in circles though, but in a back and forth motion. Like the word is shaking. I can tell this is always anxiety because my heart beats so fast that I can hear it pounding. The only way I've figured out how to stop this is to take 3-5 really deep breaths, and I think about my Mom. As odd as that may sound, I think about calling my Mom and telling her what I feel and what is happening and I calm down. It's like the thought of my Mom pulls me out of an anxiety attack, because she brings me peace. Think about all of the things that bring you peace in life.

Talking about your anxiety:

Talking about your anxiety is difficult because not everyone experiences it at the same level as you. You can try to explain what you're feeling but that person can't FEEL what you feel. But for the people that are close to you, I feel like its something that although they might not fully understand, its good to talk to them about it so they have an "idea" of how your brain works. On the other hand though, there aren't really words to explain what your anxiety is like or how to express it to others to make them understand. How do you explain something, when you don't fully understand it yourself...? Communication in my opinion is something extremely important for people with anxiety, because instead of driving yourself crazy playing the guessing game with your own mind - talk to another person and keep the communication open so there are no loose ends. This will take away a lot of stress and miscommunication, but also a lot of relief for the person struggling with their own mind.

Tip for others:

Don't give up on your friend or family member that constantly needs reassurance, and don't blame yourself for how they're feeling. Usually it's because they get too into their head and are overthinking the situation. A lot of people don't understand this and end up getting fed up with dealing with the same things. Truthfully, the person with anxiety doesn't enjoy going through this either, they don't want to. It's a mind over matter situation, but usually the mind takes the lead. Trust me when I say that the person dealing with anxiety that constantly needs reassurance - isn't them doubting you. They doubt themselves and their ability to be "loved" or "lovable" when their mind convinces them that they cant be. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!! Please be patient, they're in a 24/7 battle with their own head. They're exhausted but they can't stop their mind.