An open letter to Netflix

Morgan Stanley, Reed Hastings, Thank you.

Thank you for being a huge part of my support network, my recovery and my challenge.

Since 2014, I've struggled with severe manic and depressive episodes. Ironic that the word I would use is episodes.

The thing is, until recently, I wasn't aware of the support you have provided in the recovery of each insane and exhausting up and down.

Picture this.

At 9pm, she clocks out from work. She's greeted customers and staff with a smile, engaged in conversation, tidied up her hair in the bathroom, joked and laughed with customers and staff alike. She collects her tips and makes her way to the bus stop. She'll smoke a cigarette on the way, maybe pick up some soup for tea if she can muster the energy. She calls home as she waits for the bus and as it arrives she asks -

"Can I have a £1.90 please?"

The conversation continues, she reaches her stop and makes the 10 minute walk back, her mum still on the phone with her. She'll maybe have another cigarette if it's not too cold to roll.

She'll pull her keys out of her pocket, struggle to find the right one but soon shes able to unlock the door, get in and closes again. Mum knows she's safe and she's tired too. The call ends. When she's sure the connection is cut, tears begin to fall down her face. She walks through her house, sobbing. Her heart is breaking. Her stomach is turning. Her head is loud and she hasn't showered or bathed properly for about a week. The make up she so flawlessly wore today, sits ontop of the make-up shes layered over the last two days. She places her on the floor of her living room and continues to cry but she knows that no matter what room she spends the night in, overwhelming loneliness will follow.

Regardless, she pushes herself to complete the mundane. Wash uniform, eat dinner, brush teeth. Most nights, she'll cry her way through the evening, all the way to her bed.

That's was my evening tonight. That's been my evening a lot lately.

For a lot of reasons, my heart is breaking. My future is more uncertain and more unsecure than I feel it has ever been before. I ring my mum every night because If someone is talking, my thoughts aren't so loud. I hate that she has to say goodbye and I envy that in mere moments, she's fast asleep.

When the world is sleeping, I am not. I experience the cruelty of my own mind. I fight thoughts of low self esteem, low self worth, paranoia, jealousy, anger and hatred.

I've tried reading. I can't seem to focus enough to follow the storylines. This goes for both manic and depressive episodes.

I've tried meditating but my mind is too loud to manage right now and It frustrates me more.

I spend my evenings chain smoking and comfort eating between the sobs, quiet so as to not wake or alert the downstairs neighbours. My saving grace, when everyone is asleep, has been Netflix. It provides a distraction I need right now, at a volume of my choosing, a genre of my choosing and just when I need it.

Rick and Morty has been watched on repeat at least six times now. So has Teen Titans too. I don't find either of those two shows particularly funny or interesting but they're easy enough to follow that they require little focus. They're also bizarre enough to require just enough focus to be able to quieten the thoughts I hear, that tell me I'm not worth the time.

We trash streaming networks like NowTV and Netflix for having put blockbuster out of business and for making people believe they should have everything at their finger tips but think for a second.. have you seen this meme?

Not only is it brutally true but it's an indicator that, I'm not alone in this.

So for all the nights I've battled with what I have and struggled to convince myself that I deserve my place on this earth, I thank Morgan Stanley and Reed Hastings for providing a platform that allows me to at least remain rested. That's such an important part of my recovery every night. It allows me the opportunity to start a new day with a new sense of hope instead of watching the days merge into one endless loop.

Thank you for being one of the reasons I not only fall asleep, but wake up again.