An Open Diary

Dear Diary

This past week has been quite complicated. I have fallen in a hole I am not sure I can climb out of but I will try.

"It's not you. It's me," I whispered. You see, I can no longer tell if it's raining or if that's just my depression. I'm in the shower at least three times a day, and I hate showering. But the thought of you being gone, yet still on my skin, kills me.

It's Friday morning, the day after I cut for the first time in months. Last night, sleep consisted of five hours of nightmares. I have exams today. I undress in front of the mirror, cringing at the sight of the wounds I made the night before. They still seep blood as I run water over them. The sting burns. I step away from the mirror and sink to turn on the shower. I put it so hot it will burn, and I step in.

My skin's so hot I can finally feel your touch running off of me. I want it gone but I want you back. My life went from bright to bitter within minutes of you leaving. I want the brightness back but I must get back up on my feet once again. I must put down the blade and pick up my sword. No, not to hurt myself but rather to hurt my demons.

I said I'll work on getting better for you but that's a lie. I will work on me for me. I am here to be the best I can be for myself.

It's Saturday now. The depression settles in once again as if I was the home it came to rest in. Last night, I was up until 3 AM talking to you. I'm embarrassed and sad about it all though. I tried to trust you but I only upset you. You went to get help. The thing is, I didn't need help. I needed someone to trust. Now everyone knows that I am a self-harming freak.

I want you all to know one thing. I did not self-harm over a boy, nor would I ever. I self-harm because I am upset and it helps me release my emotions. It's not a good thing at all. I am scared of my own being at this point and I wish I could live a happy healthy life but instead I am here. I wish I could be better and I am getting help but this is a process. You made me feel like a freak. I am no freak nor is anyone who self-harms. Someday I want to make that apparent to those who cannot see how self-harm helps in the worst of ways.

I went to a college open house today. I want to be a CYC and I think I'll do well but I worry. I worry that I am unwell now and that I may never be well enough to help others in my situation. I cried this morning worrying about this. But someday I'll make a difference to someone. Someday this will only be a memory. Today, it is a painful experience.

Someday I'll help another young girl who thinks she's a freak for self-harming. But listen to me Darling, you're not. You're more than your self-harm. You are a beautiful and kind and you need to follow your dreams. If you are where I am right now, call that crisis line at 2 AM when you're completely alone. You are not alone, darling. You are a bright young woman and you will make it through this.

Sincerely, Kendra