Alone

If you have never been in this spot, I pray that you never know this and if you have been in this spot I pray for your spirit. Being cheated on. By your husband. The father of your children. Your best friend. You lose a piece of yourself in that pain. It took me a while to figure out what the pain was, that it was not just a regular broken heart, it wasn’t just ego and humiliation, it wasn’t just my soul being crushed, it was my spirit. He shattered my spirit, my light, my fire. He broke a piece of me that I did not know was breakable.

I did not just break a little, I lost my mind, my spirit, my way for a long time. I put on a happy face, I went to work and I raised my kids. I thought I fell in love once, but I was too broken to love. Too broken to be loved. I did not know how to trust, to love someone and worst of all I did not know how to love myself, how to trust myself. How had I not known? How did I miss the signs? Why was I so unlovable that the man I had raised three kids with, built a home and a life with could do this? Why was I so easy to walk away from? There were days I forgot how to breath, I did not eat and everything I tried came right back up. His betrayal destroyed my health, my friendships, my job and my life and my finances. I did not know my next best step. I was stuck in house that would not sell, bills I could not pay and a life I hated.

I hated myself. I punished myself for not being able to keep my husband, I punished myself for not being able to financially support myself, I punished myself for not being the mom I wanted to be. I was too fat, too old, no wonder he left. I hated everything about myself.

And then I took him back. He begged, he made promises and I believed him. I believed we could have the life we had planned, the life we dreamed of. We got to keep the house and our kids got to stay in a “stable” home for a few more years. We tried, or maybe it was just me trying, I am not even sure anymore who was fighting for and who was fighting against us. We broke up and got back together at least six times in our less than two-year reunion. And we fought cruelly, harshly, and viciously. I moved out, he moved out, it was an absolute rollercoaster.

We loved to hike, camp, adventure, anything outdoors we loved. I remember the day so clearly, the smells, the sounds, the breeze, it was a stunning day in the early spring on one of our early morning hikes when I finally felt a sigh shift through my entire body, like the past had just released and I was free from it. We were going to make it. Standing on top of our favorite mountain, wildflowers and newly budded trees all around us, holding hands and giggling at the new born calves running and kicking in the pasture below. Watching the moms keep and eye out and the lone bull standing in the corner not seeming to notice the beauty of the day. We were happy, maybe happier than we had ever been. I saw the possibilities all around me, I saw new beginnings and new life and I believed. I believed. For about two days. My world went black, dull, silent, I was screaming but no sound came out. I was stumbling and lashing out and losing my mind – on the inside. On the outside no one knew. I had become great at hiding myself behind a laugh and a smile. My world was being swept away again and no one knew. No one knew. I did not want to hear the “I told you so’s” and the” once a cheater always a cheater” and the pity. The pity was the worst, it burns a hole through your self-esteem faster that a narcissist.

I was setting up a new business and started a new Instagram account under my business and I discovered that he was still friends with her on social media (I wasn’t a good spy at first I guess- I didn’t know that if she blocked me I couldn’t see her on his- It was a good first lesson) As I scrolled through her pictures to see his comments and liked posts I came across her Christmas crafts – handmade healing balls – quite pretty actually….. I knew this because there was one hanging in my kitchen. He had seen her. He had accepted a gift from her and hung it in my house. He lied. And I tried to believe him. But now I was watching. I did not want to be that girl snooping on her husband’s phone, but I was. I almost bought recording devices for his truck, but in all honestly, I wanted to be wrong.

The texts I found by accident. I was unplugging his phone and plugging mine in when I saw texts back and forth with no name attached. They were friendly but not flirty, but I knew. I knew it was her. I took a picture and reverse searched it and I was right. I never wanted to be wrong so badly in my life. I kicked him out again, but he never stayed gone long and he apologized, and he cried and he said he would never talk to her again. That he didn’t know why he kept talking to her, and he tripped over the lies he told before and then tripped some more. I did not believe him but I stayed and I hated myself for staying. I hated him for making me choose, if I left, I lost it all, my home, my dog, my cat and the worst was the last few precious months with my daughter before she moved on to university.

He had a work trip, honestly is this even a thing? I don’t even know if I believe that anymore, but I had found one of his old phones and hijacked it. I found “her” number had been added back on and then caught him messaging some strange girl to come have a drink with him and his work friends at the bar. Trust? No there was no trust left. Maybe it was innocent but when you have just been caught cheating again, I would think you would be more cautious. Maybe it was arrogance or maybe he was truly innocent and that is the problem with lying so much, now I thought everything was a lie.

Some days I wanted to believe in us, in him. I still have my moments. We could have had a great life, a really great life, if only… but I searched that old phone some more. Let’s just say if you are ever in this position I hope to God that you have nerves of steel, I watched videos of her sucking him off, masturbating for him in the tub, tit shots, dick shots (from my bathroom) I puked. And then I puked some more, and I sat on my old familiar bathroom floor and I shattered again and again and darkness threatened to pull me down and I wanted to let it. I had failed again. I was unlovable. I was not enough, I was not worth loving and the spiral of self-hatred washed around me like and old familiar coat, draped me in its arms, happy to have me back in its clutches. Shame, guilt, loathing, and hatred was filling my heart again, its who I am. I tried to be someone different, to claim love, to claim belonging and live in joy. I almost had it, at least I believed I almost had it. A fool, I know.

Now as I navigate my life, shattered, broke and broken, with no belief in love or trust in anyone, I remember that day on the mountain and the bull standing alone. I should have been looking at him, he was my future; not the new life of the happy baby calves.