All Kindnesses Matter

I'm getting older and a bit nervous about turning the big 50 in April of this year. If you had met me just 5 years ago, you would have seen an arrogant woman who thought she was wise, yet was blind to the abundance and wealth that I had, and ungrateful for the many blessings I was surrounded by. It changed in 2018 when I lost everyone and everything that was dear to me. In the past two years, I had to revisit being homeless. I traveled to many places trying to find a home, lived in a van, lived in the woods, stayed at overpriced hotels and cheap slimy motels, and couched it wherever a friend or family member would allow me to. I had nothing but time on my hands with no job and no car, so I did a lot of thinking about myself, the world, money, life, and of course death. I had moments of joy, moments of sheer depression, moments of anger regarding how unfair life seems sometimes, and moments of pure gratitude for the kindness and generosity of some people.

Life is about to change for me again. After having spent last year safe in a small motel room, I am currently staying at my husband's trailer in Florida awaiting my own HUD apartment in New Jersey. I still get depressed about events that I watch on the television or news that I hear that sounds just awful. I found people to help me with the depression as I have found in the past - medical professionals who believe that my depression is not just a simple mood swing, but a chemical imbalance in my brain that can be treated with other chemicals. I take Trazedone to help with the ailments. The psych professionals have been kind to me since 2001 when I first became diagnosed as Bipolar. They have never turned their backs to me when I reach out for help. For this kindness, I am grateful. They are not perfect. I've had good and bad experiences in their "hospitals" when I've had to go for in-patient care. Still, the fact that they go out of their way to help people like me who know they are experiencing more than just a mood swing, is to be acknowledged and appreciated. I salute those people who care about others this way. They save many lives. My mother committed suicide in 2012. She would not take any medications that the psychiatrists prescribed. Her depression became too severe and she felt too alone. It was not their fault that she died. She simply never learned how to take help. She believed she was all alone in the world and that's why and how she died.

I get depressed sometimes here with my husband. I am grateful for all the sweet gestures that he makes. He makes hot fresh coffee for me in the morning. He makes sure the towels are dry and fresh for our baths. He does the dishes. He fixes the computer when it has a problem. He listens to me talk endlessly about my emotions and the past and the future. He says "I love you" all the time. He doesn't complain about his own problems because he knows how depressed I get about it. He might think that I don't notice all these things, but I do. I know how wonderful he is. I don't tell him every minute, although when I'm not depressed I try to match him with "I love you"s. The hard part is knowing that our circumstances and our situation is dictating that we can not be together. It's beyond our control. It doesn't matter how much we love each other, or how good we are to each other, we know that soon the time will come for me to leave and we will be separated again. We also know that this second separation is in our best interest because of the circumstances. Having a best friend like that, one who can love you and let you leave having faith that the friendship will still survive - that is definitely something to be grateful about. I cherish our relationship.

While I was homeless I met some good people and some bad people. Bad people are the ones who think you're the bad person and won't even hear a word you say. Bad people are also the ones who are in your situation but doing all the things that make the good people not want to help you. They steal, they fight, they hurt others, because they feel their situation is so hard and pathetic that is the only choice they have. They believe that if they don't "fight" they will simply die and they justify bad behavior with the "will to live" philosophy. They have no faith in good people at all. It's hard to get clumped into the bad people group. As a homeless person, many people think it's your fault because you're a drug addict or criminal. Not all homeless people are drug addicts or criminals. The good homeless people have to show the good non-homeless people who want to help that they are not those stereotypes. It's difficult because of pride and the pain of being homeless of course. Still, I have seen many good people do many great deeds during hard times. People at food banks and soup kitchens sharing food to those in need. People with broken down cars offering rides to people who didn't have a way to get to their doctors or the pharmacy. People handing out coats and blankets to people who were sleeping outside on a cold night. There were many kind and generous people who did not give up. They may not have known how to permanently solve the homelessness problem, but they did not turn a blind eye to the pains that their fellow humans were going through.

2020 was a tough year for most people. Many businesses went down, many lost their jobs, and many people could not pay their rent or mortgage. Corona Virus took many lives and people were depressed to say the least. I watched and listened to what was happening and it was odd that my life had improved over 2018 and 2019 which were far worse to me than 2020. I wasn't alone. I had friends and family who cared about me again. Yet I noticed that there were still people willing to give and help even during the epidemic. The hospitals and the medical professionals still helped. The police officers who must have been tired of all the name-calling and manipulation still responded to those who called for help. The entertainers, who probably thought that their gifts were futile at such a dark time, still supplied beautiful music and lighthearted comedy. People kept giving even while life, death, and bad people were taking and not giving anything back.

I am going to be 50 in April. I know how to count my blessings. I know who helped and who didn't. I know who is full of bologna and who isn't. I know when to be quiet and when to shout. I know when to stand and when to sit down. I know how to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. I may or may not be wise, but the first part of wisdom is knowing how to be grateful, and I'm not the ingrate that I was five years ago. I hope you all have a gratitude attitude and see all the wonderful gifts that life, death, and good people give to us each day.