All Aboard the Hot Mess Express

I’ve always known I was a highly emotional person, and I tried my best to embrace that. But it seemed more and more often lately I had absolutely no control over my emotions. There’d be days, or weeks, where it took all the energy I had for the day to simply get my ass of the couch, stop crying and take a shower. And all that just to lay back down for some more Netflix. I wont even get started on the emotional breakdown I’d have before getting ready for work, the idea just completely exhausting.

But then the next week, I’d have 10 different plans every single day all with different people. It started out as a fun little rollercoaster, sometimes didn’t know what to expect but usually the twists and turns weren’t too terrible. It took me longer than others to recognize that the cart was about to fall off the tracks, and I downplayed my actions in my mind until finally, it turned into a nightmare ride from hell.

Mental health isn’t the most comfortable topic for most people; I know how hard it was for me to admit even to myself that I was struggling. My friends recognized that I was struggling, and wanted to help, but how do you tell your friend their mental health isn’t well? That you think they should seek help? You’re scared for their life?

Not the easiest conversation to initiate with someone no matter how close you are with them. Thankfully I have some of the strongest support around me. I’ve done a lot of damage to some of my closest relationships, but am working on fixing these friendships that my illness had attacked.

When I finally decided to seek help for my depression, I realized that this wasn’t a new thing; I’d felt this way almost as long as I could remember, but it was always chalked up to teen hormones. I honestly believe that ignoring my depression for so long, is what lead to the landslide of what was supposed to be “The Year of Caitlyn”.

By this point the bad days seemed to have outnumbered the good, my mood would swing from one extreme to another within a matter of seconds, and looking back, most of it definitely didn’t warrant the extreme reaction that followed, but at the time it was the most rational option in my mind. I became insecure and struggled with my confidence most days. I’d rather stay at home than have to go out and deal with people’s actions, knowing I could go out feeling amazing, but one tiny thing could send me into a total whirlwind.

That was it though. I always recognized that I was struggling, and needed help. But who wants to be known as the head case in a town where everyone knows everyone. I’ve worked at the bar long enough now, I’ve seen all sorts of people come and go through the doors, and the slough of rumours or remarks that follow. Living in a small town it seems everyone knows your business before you do.

Everyone is so quick to judge; its easy when you haven’t lived their experiences, fought their battles. I’ll be honest, I know I’ve jumped to snap decisions about people because of something I’d heard or how they presented themselves. Being at the point in my life, I consider to be as close to my rock bottom as I ever want to get, it’s opened my eyes to how everyone has their own struggles, and will react in their own way. It’s not up to us to tell somehow how they should feel or what is the best way for them to handle things.

Since grade nine I’d slowly, but surely, been putting on weight. It was so gradual you really couldn’t notice, until I went off to university. Isn’t that how it works; the freshman fifteen? After I came back from Australia I’d put on a noticeable amount of weight, nothing to be too worried about, I had been living off dry raman noodles and goon; which for those of you who don’t know is a 4L box of wine with the warning, “May contain traces of milk products or fish eggs.”.

That’s when I found the “Green Tea Detox”. It started off as a fun little challenge to see if I had the will power, but soon I enjoyed that it was something I was good at. Oh you didn’t eat breakfast this morning? I’ve only consumed green tea and an apple in the past 4 days. It was something I started to feel proud of, something I was finally good.

Everyone remembers that one commercial when we were young; the boy with the bugs, the magician, and the sound effects kid. “What’s your thing?”.

If not, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfcqYiwULUI , your welcome.

I have never forgotten this commercial, and have always wondered when I would finally find what my thing was. To this day I still think of this commercial and wonder if I will ever find my talent.

I managed to lose around 55lbs over the course of a couple months, nearly a third of my body weight. The compliments started pouring in after the first 10lbs, and I learned quickly it was something that I was good at. I’m not the best with self control, but the hunger pains soon became a source of pride. Don’t get me wrong, I still slipped up, and when I did, I went big. I remember many times sitting on the couch with a bag of Doritos, 2 chocolate bars, a bag of gummies and still digging through the cupboards for something else to shove in my face.

Moderation is my downfall. With everything. I struggle to maintain a happy medium in any aspect of my life. I’m either too depressed to move, or so happy I want to see everyone and do everything. I either starve myself or eat until I’m so full I feel sick.

to be continued....