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Alien

A Writing Piece

By Michael OmelonPublished 3 years ago 7 min read
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Something I started to notice, right around the time I had turned 20, was that myself, as well as all of my other friends 19-23 where something just sort of clicked.

That's when my then vibrant and extroverted friends began turning inwards...marijuana smoking was ubiquitous, as were other forms of substance abuse, self-handicapping, or self-harming behaviours.

I myself have struggled immensely with marijuana dependence and vyvanse abuse. I relapsed just 2 days prior to this writing, which spurned my immensely overwhelming feelings into something else entirely.

I enjoy expressing my emotions this way. Typing has always been an easier form of communication for me; I guess it both comes with and is a result of many years playing online video games like Runescape and World of Warcraft.

I made real connections there; some of which felt stronger than my real-world connections

in certain respects.

Being 14, struck with the first true trauma of my life... I both feel and think that it shifted the course of my life forever.

I began to notice and care for the distresses that my friends and family experience.

I learned from my pain, learned the signs the pain is creeping in, I learned how to express my care without triggering.

I learned to love despite my difficulties along the way.

I was more content back then, I think. Although I want to feel like I've always been this sad. Sadness is a douche like that sometimes, wanting to seem

omnipresent. Wanting to work against you into a frozen state, solid.

On the other side of it all, when we're overwhelmed by stress and we experience a spiral of anxiety; the energy not unlike the way in which a flame to a log begins the chain reaction, ultimately bringing

forth a gas... seeking freedom in all directions; an infinity of atoms taking course in slightly different ways, and only very slightly changing course

with the changes in environment. Unconstrained, unrestrained.

So just as Bruce Lee said, "Be water, my friend".

The great news is, you already mostly are, my fellow sapien.

Just as plasma coalesces into a star, the destiny of which is an explosion; a supernova; as the weight of its own existence, it's gravity; creates

a claustrophobia so great that there is no option but to release itself into the universe.

Many artists are stars in this sense; born of plasma which is easily likened to the chaos of the events we experience.

"Who hurt her?" they'll ask, or "what made him?" even.

But it is of the upmost importance to recognize not just their shadow, but for the ways in which one will adjust according to the suns location.

We are, but atoms.

Not unlike one another by structure, Carbons, Hydrogens, Oxygens...

And yet, we are (as far as even our smallest bits of narcissism would have us believe) the greatest configuration atoms have yet to create.

We are the artists, as well as the art. It is not a personality style, or a lifestyle. Those are secondary. The truth is we are all driven by emotion.

We can choose to accept our self-made descriptions and the emotionally-charged judgements of others, which are of course nearly always later recognized

as a product of anger.

We can call ourselves aliens.

Sociopaths.

Narcissists.

One thing I know for certain, is that the dialogue needs to change more than anything else.

Honesty is powerful. Many people with anti-social or self-centred tendencies are unaware, and therefore not guilty of, their actions.

Sincerely.

Forgiveness must be given as much to others as one extends to themselves.

Trauma can quite easily take you into a frame of mind in which is impossible to escape.

Outer space becomes home.

The greatest challenge you have ever overcome is a goal one can face each and every day. The great story of the man or woman who achieved the seemingly

mythical place of self-fulfillment.

Philosophers, my favourite being Alan Watts, often proposed to let go of the concept of the final product; that is how I have interpreted

his words at least. To let go of the unfulfilling way that I let an insurmountable goal made of perfectionism and expectation tarnish my ability

to begin with a heart that feels full.

I truly believe that self-fulfillment is the feeling of overcoming trauma.

In extreme cases of trauma wherein personality disorders are developed, one thing remains common between the 3 that are most talked about these days.

Antisocial, Borderline, and Narcissistic personality disorders are marked by seemingly OCD behaviours, yet they all seem tailored to the particular

condition.

In my case, borderline is prevalent. My extreme emotionalism paired with a near constant search for intimacy and love. With this comes extreme anxiety,

mood swings, depressive episodes. It's easily misdiagnosed for bipolar disorder as a result, as well as generalized anxiety disorder.

As in my case, being co morbid with ADHD and BPD is slightly more common than being diagnosed with BPD alone.

So I have this theory that BPD is really just ADHD-like behaviours applied to intimate scenarios.

If you think hard enough, it's possible to find your symptoms in any disorder. Self-diagnosis is never the option, catch yourself doing it if you can,

and forgive yourself for the roadblock you had attempted to place. It is not your fault.

Don't feel guilty.

It really isn't your fault.

Even for the times where you lost control, or said something you didn't mean.

You can be better. You know that. You're sick of having people like me say it too.

"Who's this hypocrite?" right?

Just another configuration of atoms.

I think ours might actually have a few additional things in common, a few carbons here, a few sulphurs where maybe a sulphur isn't usually.

That's okay.

We're all atoms regardless.

We can reconfigure.

Adjust.

Our electrons will find pathways that will better allow for our biophysical magnetism to occur in ways that get the whole system going again.

But atoms, they're all so small, right.

And if their electrons move as Niels Bohr might have it, explained only as an imaginary cloud surrounding the nucleus of an atom, and at any given moment

an electron can be at any one part of this cloud were picturing here. It's movements completely unpredictable.

And yet, in this chaotic state, the magnetism of atoms either just as, or in most cases even more chaotic, causes them to bind.

To develop a certain constancy.

Their electrons are random still; but not alone.

You see, we try our best to act like we're better than other configurations, the trees, the animals, the bodies of water.

We are, after all, not different from the stars. We are buzzing atoms delivering electromagnetic energy in all directions.

Yet our greatest issues with all of their labels come down to the result of these chaotic states that result in the traumas we experience; whether the

incident occurred in real life, or only mentally.

We let go of the need to judge, we recognize our compulsions. We accept our chaos.

We judge although judgements serve absolutely no purpose outside of life-threatening situations.

We are so good at containing our trauma that we can even judge unconsciously.

We see our friends for who they are, our lovers for the beautiful way that they've come to be, and they way that their atoms shift and adapt, and we

allow ourselves to love fully, without expectation or demand.

We feel our electromagnetic waves align with theirs. When two equal but opposite waves meet; two conversely magnetic forces; the energy differential is equalized,

The vibration stops.

The vibe, has been slain.

However, two vibrations of similar amplitude which follow the same pattern?

Their energies condense, staying true to course but with all of their energy together.

However, two identical vibrations is pretty rare. Some may alight almost-right, some may even want to drive you to change directions to either suit or

weaken the amplitude, until neutral is achieved.

Accept the beauty of chaos, give in to connection, and do what you must to maintain your amplitude without taking too much from your sources of energy--that which grounds you, providing the gravity necessary to define your mass (and thereby your acceleration) as you traverse through space and time.

coping
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About the Creator

Michael Omelon

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