Accidentally Put Together

I did it. I finally did it. I escaped my toxic relationship in June 2020 - once and for all. He tried everything he could to manipulate me into staying...but I knew better than to fall for it again. I was back in BC, on the West Coast, and feeling so consistently happy - more than I had in, well, years. I was solo-travelling, planning to move into my own place on Vancouver Island. I had packed my car full of the things I needed to feel safe and at home, drove 5000 kms from Ontario to BC and managed to land an apartment to move into on July 1. The only downside to all of this was that I had no steady income (thank you COVID) and a mountain of debt. And, some emotional baggage left over from my experiences with my ex...but that's beside the point.

I spent the month of June galavanting around the province, spending time in the lower mainland and Van-City. Once I made it to the Island, I spent each day going on an adventure - exploring my new surroundings. I would blast music and cruise the streets, waving and winking at cute boys and beautiful people. Going oceanside and writing with a coffee in hand. Meeting new guys and going on cute sunset dates, or out to seafood restaurants. Going on mini-road trips with old friends to see Canada's natural wonders. The excitement of not knowing where I would be, or who I would meet was intoxicating. I was in a constant state of peace and self-reflection; I was able to heal and let go of not only my toxic ex, but a couple of other poor influences I've hung on to throughout the years as well. All I needed was myself, my car and my tunes.

On June 30, I went on an adventure on my own to visit a location everyone I had met told me I needed to go - Mount Douglas. I climbed to the top and took photos of the beautiful scenery that unfolded in front of my eyes. This trip to BC had opened up my spiritual cavity again; in some ways, for the first time. I sat on a rock that seemed older than time itself and began to meditate. I closed my eyes and listened to the wind, felt the sun on my skin...I tuned out the visitors around me, also enjoying the beautiful day. During my deep breathing, I felt a sense of calm - and then a feeling that I was not yet home. An undeniable sense of knowing it was not yet time to move my world across the country. An answer to, "What do I want?" versus "What do I need?"

It was there, on that mountain-top, where I made the choice to go back to my family home in Ontario. On July 1, I began the drive back. I said goodbye to my good friends, hopped on the ferry with my car and my life, and began my return journey. The weather was foggy, rainy and wet throughout the drive...but nothing I couldn't handle - after all, I'm used to harsh Ontario winters! The drive was smooth until I hit the Coquihalla Highway - the "Highway Thru Hell". My traction control had kicked in a couple of times; so I slowed down. I thought about waiting it out in a smaller town, but I wasn't far from my destination and things were looking up. I spoke to my mom on the phone as the sun came out...a couple of minutes later, the rain came back. I was only 20 or so minutes away from my hotel for the night when everything changed.

My steering wheel started turning to the left...I immediately figured out I was hydroplaning and tried to steer out of the skid. I was going 30 kms under the speed limit...yet I was still going fast. When I tried to steer out, I lost control. I hit the median ditch and braked, trying to stop so I could recover. This is when I started to roll. It all happened so fast. I was only partially aware in the moment of what was truly happening. I kept rolling, and rolling...and rolling. The thought of, "This is it. This is how I'm going to die...on the side of a mountain", crossed my mind.

I gripped the wheel as hard as I could; I braced my body. My head smashed into the driver's side door; glass sprayed everywhere. I didn't think I would ever stop rolling...and then I did. When I came back into my body, I looked around and just started screaming - "Oh my GOD! OH MY GOD! HELP ME! Please, someone HELP ME!"

The emergency beacon in my car went off, trying to connect to 911 - but my cell service didn't exist on this mountain. It just kept dialling, and I kept screaming. The side airbags had gone off, so I couldn't see out of the windows; and I was upside down. Glass was in my eyes, my hair...my mouth. I was so disoriented that I couldn't figure out how to get out. I saw chemicals spraying into the car from what used to be the dashboard, and I knew I had to get out ASAP. My crisis management training kicked in, and I did a quick body scan before moving erratically. I could feel my body and wiggle my toes, I could talk - good signs that I didn't have a spinal injury.

Then, I heard people's voices. "Oh my GOD! Someone is in there!!" a woman screamed. Moments later, my passenger side door was being pried open by two angelic male bystanders - one reached their hand in to help me. Now that I could see my way out, my disorientation dissipated. I unclipped my seatbelt and fell into the debris, contorting my body so I could climb out of the now open door. When I got out, all I saw was destruction. My car - my symbol of freedom - was completely totalled. It looked like it had been in the crusher. My sentimental belongings were strewn across the highway; ruined. My phone was nowhere in sight. The bystanders helped gather what they could off of the road, and treated me for shock - I called my mom from one of their phones. We waited for emergency services to arrive. I was shocked that people had pulled over to assess the scene in this weather, but unbelievably thankful. I truly could not believe that this had happened - it felt like a break in reality...am I dreaming? Is this real? The massive bump on my temple was numb, but I didn't care. I couldn't believe I had managed to walk away from such chaos.

I was taken to the nearest hospital in a small town close-by. Shockingly, I remembered having a childhood friend who had recently moved to this same small town in BC. When I was discharged, I was told all I had suffered injury-wise was a concussion and severe bruising. While these injuries are no joke, it could have been so much worse...hell, if my steering wheel had turned the other direction, I would have flown off of an actual cliff. All I could think was, "Thank you, God". I knew there was a reason why I not only survived, but why I walked away with minor injuries - a greater purpose that I was being saved for.

After two days of resting and relying on my childhood friend to bring me food and good company, my dad arrived to rescue me and bring me home. When we went to the towing lot, I had an instant panic attack upon seeing my car and having flashbacks of the events two days prior. My most prized possession, my symbol of freedom, the vehicle that allowed me to drive across Canada and literally escape toxicity...smashed into oblivion. My dad couldn't go anywhere near the vehicle - he was in shock from the thought of his child being inside that wreck. He began to cry...and I've only seen him cry a handful of times in my 26 years of life. He held me close and thanked the higher power whom he claims he doesn't believe in, that I'm alive. He understood, in that moment, how bad this could have been. He saw that I wasn't just exaggerating.

When I got back home, the adjustment was rough to say the least. Adjusting to my brain not functioning on the level I'm used to...getting overwhelmed by the amount of baggage, both financial and emotional, I had to deal with...and figuring out how to live under my parents' roof again, after 3 years of independence. It was all so much...I started wondering why I was saved, why I didn't die or get seriously injured, why I was given a second chance. I felt all of this pressure to figure out my purpose, what I'm meant to do here on this earth. But - I remembered that sense of calm I had back in BC and tried to recreate that same feeling in Ontario.

I started applying to every job I could find close to my home, went on multiple walks a day, and turned the basement into my own little apartment. I started researching graduate programs, and emailed advisors. I began working on projects I had been meaning to do for years. I took breaks when I needed to, and practiced meditation. I talked to good, wholesome friends whom encouraged me to do what I needed to do for ME to heal and recover.

Once I started focusing on my present state, and not on the past or distant future...I began to find moments of joy in my own backyard. I started feeling my intuition again, and taking steps forward in the healing process. I focused on my health, both mental and physical - and started to receive goodness. Within a month after my accident, I had a new job. A week after that, I found my dream graduate program, that just happened to be in Vancouver...a week after that, I was offered another position in my field of study. I was checking items off of my productivity list left, right and centre...and used my self-control to stay focused on me and my goals. Distractions would appear in the form of unworthy men and feelings of missing out...and I would remind myself of my big plans. Life became easier and happier living with my parents in my childhood home, and I was finally whittling away at my debts.

My accident taught me exactly this: life is too short to live each day simply working for the future or living in the past. Why save all of your money for retirement or for your kids when you don't know how long you have on this earth? Why drive everywhere, when walking provides mindful reflection? Why spend time worrying about a boy who doesn't bother to text back, when you have so much more to accomplish? My accident was extremely traumatic and a setback in many ways. When I tried to rush my recovery, I seemed to continue to move in reverse...but when I was gracious to myself and listened, truly listened, to what I needed from moment to moment...I began to receive. When I looked at how lucky I was to have a true fresh start in my life with no car, no apartment and no relationship...I was able to see the beauty in the darkness. These "setbacks" are only setbacks if we think of them that way. I was given the gift of life & rebirth when I should have sustained major, life-threatening injuries. As someone who used to throw themselves into their every fleeting impulse, I have a completely new appreciation for how precious life is. We only get one of these to live, so we best surround ourselves with positive influences and practices. I went from being on top of my world, feeling invincible in June 2020, to crashing (literally) into the deepest depths of depression in July, to finding my balance in August. I still have a long way to go, but I'll be singing and dancing in gratitude the entire way there.