A Talking To

What kind of world

You just plead for your idea of perfect harmony served to you after someone stuffed a napkin in your shirt and checked with all your hopes and dreams first

Ahhhh then you can finally relax

In your make believe land that you’ve carefully curated within a mediocre rubric rather than looking in the mirror at the cowardice, in this rendition you’ve drawn yourself in with your cheekbones higher and your eyes less dull, you’ve squared your shoulders because that’s how you’ll look when you have something to stand up for won’t you?

But right now you’re pudgy and rounded and roll wherever life pushes you

No resistance because you have no direction so you suppose it doesn’t really matter, you think of yourself as Alice in Wonderland in this way

Except you never even got off your ass to find Dinah and fall down the rabbit hole in the first place

Dinah wandered off and you cried for weeks and posted a memorial for the fucking cat on your facebook page

Liked comments of condolences and hunched over your screen while your stagnant core belched out to no one desperately

Someone simply asks what you’re doing and you hiss and spit crudely

Then you think what am I doing? What have I been doing with all this time

Well I could have and I would have if this that and the other thing were different, if only if only...

Because it's always someone else's problem and you simply can't be bothered to take the blame to face your looming shadow

You leap away from unexpected movement as if it's attacking you

Because everything is attacking you isn't it

Everything is working against you

That's just the way it is

But you will be the shiny hero in the end somehow you say

You aren't sure how, you never get that far, telling yourself that seems to be enough to get on with your day where you don't do a damn thing differently

Your idea of a slap in the face is actually just something inebriating so you can feel what you consider exhilarated through unintentional slurring and reaching out to someone who has no intention of including you in their lives cause you’re a mess

Oh you’re just too complicated, they don’t understand you, you never even gave them the chance so you can feel like you still have a reason of why it didn't go your way

If you had really tried things would be different but they cant be now, you’re just too different now

You tell yourself this as you do the same damn thing every day

You think you seek out new things but its all crap that's already in line with what you think gives your life a sense of purpose

You don't actually viscerally care about any of it

Then you call THAT a disease, oh how the apathy has overtaken me

How dare you invalidate my internal state

The knife is drawn and your bleak relativism enters stage left

Hands up from that racket

Sit in your perceived shit then

You never even wanted to be told you could be any different

The idea of always having things happen to you is a comfort

Why not cause something to happen for a change? What does it look like when YOU happen somewhere to someone, to something?

Do you know what your own fingerprint looks like?

Have you studied it and pressed it against every unknown surface to see which parts stick?

How it looks and feels

Which parts you can make something out of, that nourish you, which parts to toss in as tinder to just keep the fire going, which parts confuse in such a new way you keep just to frame for a laugh

You found yourself in the middle of the maze and when the path you chose dead-ended you started complaining and muttering and sat down to stare at the wall you found and you’re still staring, imagining beautiful images of what lies beyond it to quell your inner rage

All the while you could have turned on a dime, picked a different way and saw for yourself vistas unimaginable by such a wall-staring whiner

Trust in something greater than what you planned on, than what you can make sense of - since it seems we can't make good sense of very much at all

And this is a good thing

This is the best thing

This is the most beautiful thing

The mystery of it all

Surrender to your bitterness with a scowl or surrender to this mystery with a smile

Take a step back to watch yourself feel the entire spectrum between sublime trust and crippling fear, what each looks like on you, creep closer to what seems to be true, every shade illuminates a unique aspect of that truth if you keep a keen eye

You are the speaker and the one being spoken to

Be brave enough to choose