A Series of Open Letters to/from Depression

To my head and heart

Why is that everytime I take a breathe, I feel you attacking me?

Is there a chance that I would be able to not think about the constant fights you keep having over me? I hear the arguments every day as I hide away in the corner from either of you. People always say I should listen to one of you instead of the other but how am I supposed to know who will be the one that actually stands up for me? I never thought I would say this outloud but I can't hear myself speak anymore. All the words that escape my lips come from segments of your fights. I have grown up on thoughts that at most points in my life you were trying to kill me. You almost achieved your dream three times. I have scars and bruises on my body from the words you whispered in my ear. I lay in bed and stare above me as I quietly drain out your lies. How am I supposed to live when you keep breaking in attacking me?

from,

myself

- from my heart -

My dear,

Have you once stopped to think that the fighting was only there to protect you from yourself? I get aches and pain from the moments you bruise your arms. I can't give up on you even after you give up on me. The only reason why you have the chance to get hurt is because of me. If I could take away that heartbreak for you, I don't know if I would. I would miss being able to I hear what you tell your head at night,

"I deserve to stay alive"

"I know I am loved"

"Why can't you leave me alone?"

I have tried to let you know that I am your rock. You can always count on me. Why aren't you listening to me anymore? Instead of listening to how you put others first and forget about yourself or how amazing you are as you are, you torture yourself with the thoughts that are fed to you, telling you to become someone else. I stay awake, get broken and beaten to show you that I care for who you already are.

Can't you see how much I care? Why don't you listen over the static that is controlling your brain? You gave up on me so long ago. I try to give you warmth but you reject it. I try to give you love but you deny it. I try to give you a life but you try to take it away from me. Your little talks with your head need to stop. It is only trying to drag you down. Walking down a path where small thoughtless leaves turn to stones that you cast upon yourself. No matter how much you try to push me away. I will stay singing a song of life through you. I will wait for you to join me in the chorus one day. Till then I will wait.

love,

your only heart

- From my head -

Really?

I can't believe you. Blaming me for ruining your life? What life did you have before I created one for you? I gave you ideas. I gave you memories. I gave you the feelings of delight, warmth, frustration, and hope. However, you blame me for the fact I also gave you coldness, sadness, and regret. I tried to shield those from you as long as I could. I can't protect your forever. It's getting tiresome. You always exclude yourself and then blame me. Your heart breaks everytime you decide to run away. I thought we made a rule when you were six? We don't get to drag each other through the day. We have to make an effort to stand up and face the day. But you gave up years ago and now I fight to change your mind but lately I've accepted the fact I can't help you or change the mistakes that I have implemented into you.

Your heart seems to think I hurt you on purpose. That's just not true. I start to fall apart as scars appear on you from my decisions to step away in the moment. I wish I would be more present. There are days where you forget about me. I was with you since the beginning but you don't talk to me about happy things anymore.

Please come back to me. I need our arguments to stop. It's not all my fault but I will take the blame from stepping away from you when you needed me the most. I take the blame for creating the doubt of who you are. I take the blame of showing you a life that isn't yours. I take the blame for reminding of the many scars. The scars inbedded in me to hurt you more. I can't seem to stop wanting to fight you. I want this all to end and to embrace you. Please help me fight these demons. Although, when I think for a moment, I can understand if you can't help me with my fight when the person that I'd end up blaming would be you.

I already blame you for too much. I blame you for the losses and I never celebrate your wins. Please give me a chance to win you over again.

I am expecting another letter soon.

-your head