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A New Outlook on Life

Living Clean

By Rachel ArquettePublished 7 years ago 2 min read

My name is Rachel, and I'm a recovering addict.

It took me a long time to be able to come to terms with the fact that I was actually an addict, that people didn't do heroin recreationally. I was incredibly offended the first time one of my dealers referred to me as an addict. Who the fuck did he think he was, calling ME an addict? Sure, I got dope sick if I didn't use every single day, but so did he, and he needed me to drive him around and do his bidding for him, so where did he think he was coming from?

Life in active addiction was bleak and dingy. The best way I can describe it is that I had this pair of sunglasses once that had this yellow tint to it, that made the world seem bland and slightly dirty. All of the color was sapped from the world and there was no excitement anymore. When you do drugs you don't want to admit it, but the chemicals in your brain change. You no longer think the same way. You are no longer you. You don't do rational things and you start to make bad decisions, sometimes slowly, sometimes so fucking quickly that your life spirals out of control overnight. I had a 6 hour relapse that killed me, which jumpstarted my recovery. That relapse is the reason I am clean today, because if it hadn't been as bad if it had been I probably would still be out playing with fire today.

I remember seeing people enjoying simple pleasures such as riding a bike, going to the park, spending time with family, etc. I thought it was complete and utter bullshit. I was dead inside. I thought everyone else must be as dead inside as I am too, I can't possibly be the only one who feels like this, that has to artificially create happiness and numb myself from feeling anything and everything. You must be pretending to be happy, because no one can truly be happy. I wanted to die, and I didn't care about anyone or anything around me. I was a wreck.

Today, I am a lot happier. Today, I am a lot healthier. Today I am clean. Today I love me. Today I have a new outlook on life. Today I am free.

addiction

About the Creator

Rachel Arquette

Trying to be a better person than I was yesterday (key word: trying)

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    Rachel ArquetteWritten by Rachel Arquette

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