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A Mountain of Hair

by Chronic Confessions about a year ago in recovery

Hair pulling because of Trichptillomania

"You make me want to pull my hair out" taken literally

Pulling My Hair because of Trichotillomania

As many of you know anxiety and depression shows it self in many ways. Some extreme forms are self harm or drug abuse. I have many forms of dealing with my anxiety and one of the more extreme forms is pulling my hair out.

Its not what you think I don’t sit there for hours on end pulling out single strands of hair. No I grab an entire section of hair and rip my fingers through it for about 10 mins. This is called the numbing technique, this causes my mind to go to the pain of the hair pulling opposed to thinking about what ever is causing the anxiety. There is also a soothing sensation of the my fingers going through my hair.

I look down at the desk infront of me and see a pile of l little 2 in long hairs. Today is going to be a long day as the day goes on the more I am pulling my hair the more my anxiety builds the more I want to numb the pain and anxiety the fear of what is to come. Pulling my hair is not for the attention of others I do it and shamefully hide the hair that I have ripped out of my head. My hair used to be so long and healthy but the longer I have this anxiety the more hair I pull the worse my patches become. 

I was 20 having to shave half my head because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have any hair left from my ear s down. The anxiety was bad at this point I hate my job and some of the people I worked with picked on me for my weight and my life choices. Home life wasn’t ideal either I was with a man who was unfaithful. He only let me go out to work and come home. I wasn’t aloud to have friends and I needed to wear make up and time I left the house. I was not aloud to speak up for myself and needed to act in a particular way to fit his needs.

There was no escape at the time I loved a man who didn’t love me and I was not strong enough to stand up for myself and not let this man hurt me anymore. So i stress ate everything in sight. I was over 200lbs by the time I broke up with him because it was easier to eat and keep my mouth shut. I needed a way out and I had to do it now or I wouldn’t have my hair anymore.I left him kicked him out. I stopped pulling my hair mostly because I wouldn’t put hair that went past my ear level because that would be noticeable. As the hair grew back I was in another unhealthy relationship similar to the one mentioned before and the habit continued I would have to keep shaving my head.. I didn’t like shaving my head I didn’t think it was professional or cute on me at the time.

A couple years have gone by now I have my hair back almost to full length. I find myself on occasion pulling my hair now and I'm not sure if it is muscle memory or if its anxiety. I am glad to have my hair back but as you can imagine the damage will never go away I have little feeling in those areas now due to nerve trauma I am sure. I am embarrassed that there are times I still pull my hair and see that pile and go right back to the times I was sitting at my old job listening to coworkers talk about me to clients. Still to this day I am hopeful that I can break this habit completely


Chronic Confessions

Read next: The Body's Emotions

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