A Love letter to my Depression

Digress to me, my

Eternal self, why

Punish me, with thoughts so volatile

Rampant and horrid,

External hands slick with

Sadness and heartache

Sleep , darkness and scared of my own thoughts

Internally tormented, leaves me unable to be

Open

Nevermore

I never thought that I was a depressed person. For years I would say when the doctor prescribed my meds, "but Doctor! Im not depressed, just anxiety. It took years for me to come to terms and look back on my life that actually I had it my whole life.

See I was an only child, my mom had many things undiagnosed and so her quirky ways were normal to me. It was never explained that was odd or that mom had issues. It was very much about my mother going up. So much so that no one noticed I showed major signs o that same anxiety and depression.

When I figured out I had anxiety it was over Pintrest, do you have these 10 signs? Yes, I do not remember all the symptoms but things like, holding onto things, being angry, pain in chest was on it. At the time I suffered from the worst pain in my stomach. No Doctor could figure out what was wrong. Until that is I figured out it wasnt pulled muscles, IBS or whatever the Doctors conjured up. It took another few years to get the cocktail of drugs right to finally banish the pain and feel better. Move ahead till last year was when I did discover yes, I am depressed.

The signs like sitting in bed all day, not wanting to do anything i loved like art and writing. Even my own pets weren't as interesting somedays. Id sit and watch Pretty Little Liars for days and not leave my room when in between jobs.

The fact was I had lost my fire spark and it showed at work, Id want to take control and after 3 let go's I just decided well Im not good enough and wandered through life like a shadow to nothing. I was a distant version of myself that tried to pretend to be happy, yet it was very clear I was not. I could sleep for 20 hours a day if I wanted and be up for 2 hour sections of it twice a day.

Then last year I lost my Princess. My only cat I raised since a kitten of 4 weeks, the only kitten the survive a litter of 10. The only kitten to not have a rare blood disease in her litter. Ivy Bean was almost 10 when she passed of cancer, and it broke me in a way I thought I was stronger then. Through people passing like my mans mother or my grandmother I could stand tall and be a support. Through the loss of my Precious Bean I feel apart. I cried more than anyone could ever think possible, I still do. I ache as if it is that day, I remember the smell and the clothes I wore, now thrown away. I keep a tuft of her hair hidden and a cauldron (for my witchy ways) with a burnt sage leaf saying Ivy be happy and yell at people if they go near these items. Its what I have of her and I will not share it. The depression from this time has changed me forever and I have many more animals that eventually will pass. Hopefully of old age and health when they do. I think why it still hurts is that Ivy was the first, and I cared for her, like a child. Others that came didnt need the blood tests and brushings and constant cutting of knots in their fur. They were all adults except Ivy, there are just some animals that need more attention than others, not that it makes them less important. You just build a special bond.

This was when I really discovered the depression and looked backwards through life to be so shocked that I have been depressed my whole life from very little. It isnt anyones fault, it is just a chemical imbalance. I took years to tell my mother or anyone in fact, about my depression. In fear of being judged. Which I have been, and those people I cut out. But my biggest fear was that my parents would think it is their fault, which they did. However it is nice to know someone understands my depression and that I can be open now. Not that I go yelling it around town, but I can let people in knowing so many of us have this issue. And I think it is a good first step.