A Letter to Myself
Forgiving ourselves is the most powerful thing we can do
The end of you and *Charles was a long time coming, and you very much knew that. But try not to beat yourself up too hard, most people take several attempts before ending a toxic relationship for good. Be proud of yourself for finally having the courage to do it and stick with your decision firmly. The truth is, you went through what most people could probably not handle in 2020. Your relationship with *Sam ended in a fiery mess, causing him to more or less kick you out, causing you to live your life constantly on edge without thinking much. It was very understandable that you were lonely! You just wanted someone to be by your side while you were going through literal hell.
Sometimes our emotions cause us to do crazy things, and that’s perfectly okay! Your emotions are, and always will be valid. Your loneliness made you spend time around several different toxic people, and while the momentary hookups felt great when they occurred, you always wondered about and secretly longed for more afterwards. This caused you to be upset, understandably so, but both you and the other parties involved simply were just unsure of what you wanted. And you tried so very hard to find someone. You tried every dating app out there; Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and OkCupid. All of which led to distress and heartbreak in the long run.
And then after the craziness of putting yourself out there, and then finally moving into an apartment of proper size for 3 people, your mental health slipped. You were aware of this, but there was so much damage you had ignored for so long that you felt there was no way out but ending your life permanently. It’s totally normal to want pain to cease after you have endured so much for so long. And 2020 was a year like no other; there was a pandemic, an election, and civil unrest with the killing of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. You are definitely not alone in feeling your soul is about to break from all of the strain it has went through.
I am so proud of you for choosing to try and make yourself better, by checking yourself into a healthcare facility where you could finally face your demons with a medical team by your side 24 hours a day. The separation from society was a culture shock to you for sure, I know you aren’t used to going without your phone for more than an hour at a time. But that time did you good, and I’m sure you knew it. You finally got a proper diagnosis, knew what medications you needed to function normally, and started to really get a handle on your health. Even when you were discharged, came home, and faced even more battles with the healthcare system, you persisted through it all, until you finally found an option that you could afford, and has helped you from December to present day.
I know it felt like a thundercloud had began raining on your parade when you chose to end your relationship with Charles once and for all. You went through so much already, just to date someone for 6 months who would manipulate you and suck the life from you further? That seemed like total bullshit to you, and girl I can’t blame you for feeling that way one bit! A dog can only be bitten so much before biting back. And bite back, you did. You completely cut off contact with Charles, invested yourself more into self-care, and despite the loneliness that plagues you daily, you are happier overall. You are working a stable job that you are happy with, and not having a relationship to answer to is allowing you to give yourself the love you know you damn well deserve.
You were not necessarily the nicest person to Charles at times either. And while his behavior was atrocious, you need to not let a bad fruit spoil your bunch. But I want you to know it is okay, you did exactly what you were capable of at that time, and eventually you broke through and chose self-love and self-care over sacrificing yourself daily for someone who only mentally and emotionally stole from you. I am so damn proud of you for finally sticking up for yourself, and I know the impact of that is you will never, ever let something like this happen to you again. It has made you stronger, and much more mindful of how people talk to you.
You will continue to do great things with your writing, your job, and your life. You are so creative, passionate, and funny! You are so loved by your family, friends, and your cat. You will never be alone. Please, never let the awfulness of this world dim your light. You are a beautiful soul with so much to give. Never stop being the amazing woman that you are. Always continue to be you. You are the best gift you can give to the world. Never EVER, let anyone or anything bring you down. Stand tall, stand proud. You are awesome. You are smart. And you are loved.
*names were changed to respect the identities of other persons involved