A letter to my depression

Dear my depression,

My calendar indicates that it is the first-year anniversary of your diagnosis. I am ambivalent about it. Today I stop and look at all the things you made me involuntary do, and the feelings you made my soul experience. I try to remember how this year went, but simply I can’t because you made my memory so weak that I struggle to remember any detail.

You walked into my life without permission, and you stayed more than a guest would normally do. I remember when you were a baby, you used to visit me with a funny mask on your face. I couldn’t recognize you then, I thought you were just a normal feeling of suddenly not being able to go to school, or a constant tearful eye because I was just simply an emotional person or just a temporary inability to stay in bed the whole day. When you removed your mask, I saw a big monster, who was growing up at the same time as me. When I started reading about you, it was too late, because the monster was already grown enough for me to fight.

You made me have issues looking at myself in the mirror without crying. Every morning, I never wished for myself to have a good day, instead, I used to wish I could have a day, a normal day without breaking down. What surprises me is that you never come alone, you always bring other disorders with you such as anxiety, OCD and insomnia.

You used to make loud noises in my brain all night, harshly stealing my sleep. You gave me a weird headache and insomnia that even medication didn’t work against, yet I beg you so hard to calm down, yet you refused to do so, making me count the stars at night, and watch the sun during the day. It is sad because they both couldn’t help me and could only send their empathy.

You are so selfish, while you were growing stronger and stronger with years, I was, on the other hand, becoming weaker, day after day till my soul broke down.

You made fun of me, as you used to hit me so hard and disappear, being invisible to others, and it made me sad to see other people getting support and empathy while having different diseases, and me being labeled as a lazy person or someone lacking discipline.

You wanted to be my best friend and tried to convince me to stay with you all the time. Whenever I felt alone and wanted to go meet people, you would push me to withdraw and stay home with you so that you can tell me about the worst things about me. This is something I would never forgive you for.

The truth is I am not perfect, none of us are. But I blame you for constantly reminding me that I wasn’t worth anything and that I was less than enough to other people around me. You used to always tell me that I didn’t deserve that friendship, that love, that family and the simplest good things in life. Even when I try to beg you to stop talking, you make your voice even louder and louder.

You keep reminding me that I should feel ashamed for taking medications, yet there is nothing to be ashamed of, because people take insulin for diabetes, or undergo chemotherapy for cancer, so why would you insist that I was a shame? Was it because I decided to push you away? You never had mercy on me, and you kept fighting despite the side effects I was struggling with.

You took from me my ability to get things done, my sense of purpose, my security, my education as well as my self. Please go, there is nothing left for you to take.

For my new year resolution, I wish you could leave, because I want to finally break up with you. My relationship with you was the most toxic one ever.

I never chose to have you in my life, yet you took so many things for me that even during recovery I could still feel the scars you left on my body, brain and on almost all the aspects of my life.

Please go, there is nothing left for you to take.

Sincerely,

Mohamed