A Funny Title for a Depressing Story
Everything is a CRAZY struggle.
I was born in October 6, 1999 and raised in Long Beach, California. I've lived a moderate life with a few ups and downs and had a great family who loved me. I may have been loved, but I was isolated, put down by my ex-step-father, and humiliated by classmates. The reason I bring all of this up is because it left a metal and emotional scar that I have to carry. I am now 18 and to this day I still carry this burden that was laid upon me.On July 1, 2018, I came to New Braunfels, Texas to visit my family for the summer; but I also came to Texas to get away from everything that I deal with everyday back in Long Beach. It's not that I dislike my family and friends; it's just that it's too much to handle.
I've isolated myself for so long that I'm so used to that environment. Whenever I'm around my friends, I go off to do my own thing because I begin to become uncomfortable; but whenever I'm alone for a long period I begin to fall into a deep depression. I will then go back to my friends and have the need to go away again, and the cycle goes on. I do not know why I do this but I figure it's because I feel alone and uncared for. I feel as if I don't belong amongst my friends. Likewise with my family; I do not feel as if I belong because of the fights and hate that I've seen. I may be loved but, for some reason, I find it very difficult to see with all the hate within my own family. Overall, my isolation makes me feel as if I don't belong, alone, or uncared for, even though that is not the case. I know people love and care for me. My mind just wants to tell me stuff that I do not want to hear.
There was always this one man who I never respected because of the abuse he had placed on me. This man was known as my father, even though he did not treat me as his son. The reason I suspect him of not treating me well was because I was not really his son. For years I would listen to this man who I was forced to call my father and listen to his every comment until my mom finally had the courage to divorce him. This man had hit me with the belt that had the most metal spikes because I sneezed, talked, and/or moved. He would also yell at me for no reason whatsoever. I remember nothing of what could've happened because I would be too busy crying my butt off. These events are the reason I am so afraid to open my mouth when it comes to speaking up. I'm afraid of the result that might occur, whether it's someone getting mad at me, disagreeing with me, or just ignoring me. He may no longer be in my life, but he left me a personal scar that I have to live with.
High school was very difficult to get through socially. I would try to be alone throughout all of ninth grade and sophomore year because of my cowardliness. This may be due to my father, or ex-step-father, but it was also because of middle school. Middle school is the time of awkwardness and change; boy, did I go through a major change. This was a time when I felt the most alone. I had emotions that I couldn't contain and I felt like I needed to cry all the time. Looking back, I cannot remember why I felt this way but then I realized it was because of the classmates I had. I was pushed away from people I tried to talk to. I tried to make new friends but no one wanted to talk to me. Eventually, I developed this fear that no one would accept me. I did have friends in middle school but they did not treat me like a proper friend; they've treated me more as a third wheel other than a friend. I've carried this fear of not being accepted through high school until I met this one girl who accepted me and show genuine love to me. To this day, she became like a sister to me and to my three biological sisters. Because of her, I no longer feel afraid to talk to new people but sometimes I still have that hesitation to just walk away from society and hide in my own little box.
I do not understand what this is. I can never be happy with what I've got. Maybe that is why I'm so frightened of my own mind.
Today in My World
Today, I know my struggles and I am working on them; it is a difficult task but it is doable. There is just one little thing I have the most trouble dealing with; I struggle with depression. Depression is probably the one thing I cannot get rid.
I tried getting rid of this mental illness but it almost seems impossible to deal with this problem. I've tried talking to people but I do not want to be a bother. I know it sounds stupid but my goal in life is to help people, not stall their time. I am willing to keep my problems within in order to help others with their problems. Again, sounds stupid and counter-productive, but I believe my life is not worth more than others'. I believe in helping others more than helping myself. I'm willing to put myself into a uncomfortable position just so someone else could live comfortably.
For a while, I was able to push my depression to the side helping others and listening to their problems but I finally hit my edge. Lately, I've been feeling like it's been getting worse. Almost every night, I feel like crying, breaking, and thinking. I had thoughts of suicide and indifference but I feel as if it's been getting worse. I feel as if my mind is going in circles as if there's a debate going on. I feel as if I'm going crazy.
I mentioned that I came to Texas to visit my family and the reason is because I needed to get away from everything. I need to get myself together and figure out things in my head. I need to know who I truly am and what path I need to follow and what path I am ready for. I need to figure out how to fight my depression and continue the path of life. I figure some things out but there are some things I still need to sort in my head.
I figure this is a great way to express myself and to relieve myself from my own mind. And I know I must talk to someone about my problems but it's something I'm not willing to do with everyone. I do have one person in mind but she's too busy with work and whatnot. I'm willing to wait until the next time we meet.