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A Broken Soul's Battle Cry

Feed me, Fuel Me, or Just Kill me

By Star Besio-SharpPublished 3 years ago 9 min read
2
Just a Reminder

The wrecking of my heart will never be undone. The brokenness of soul is a case in which very few of us survive. What does one do when they lose all hope? How are we to carry on as we look around and everything we see is just another shattered memory? Traumatized by loss, sorrow, suffering, abandonment, and loneliness. If the bonds one has created in life or were given along the way are ripped and torn apart, what is the point of attaching oneself to others? Of seeking love and friendships? Of looking forward to the dawn of another day?

They claim it is better to have loved and lost than to have never of loved at all, but wouldn't you trade a life of never having to know what it's like to live daily with your soul screaming, "Feed me, fuel me, or just kill me?"

As a child, the pain of being taken away from your parent or parents, or uprooted and dropped into a life you have never known can be so damaging that you spend your entire childhood feeling completely abandoned. Lost in sudden confusion and grasping at straws just trying to hold onto everything that only seems to want to let you go. I know. It's where I began.

As an adolescent, the rejection and fear of judgement can carve a whole in your heart so deep and wide that you wish for the end. Puberty in full force, you're running on high octane emotions that flip and flop from moment to moment based on the acceptance and approval of the peers around you. But who really ever felt like they belonged? You never understand it then. Y'know, understand that life is not really like that, and emotions are only temporary. They never pulled us aside and explained that! Why? It would have been nice to know that suicide didn't have to be an option. Where are you then? Only left to spend your time carving yourself up during a self harm act in the privacy of the junior high bathroom stall. I know. It's where I went.

As an adult, the onset of change beginning, the shattering of your dreams and the failure of your life, whether it be not finding love, devastation of divorce, custody battles, bad career decisions, trusting the wrong people, abusive relationships, mental and physical illnesses, addiction, incarceration, or struggling with the concept of "God", there comes a whole new battle cry. It's well passed your heart at this point, and your constant pain and struggles have hardened you or buried you in tears already. You can gaze into a mirror and lose yourself on the image before you. A mess of a human, who's whirlwind of hurt boldly stares back at you in disgust and rage. The blood boils deeply and the hate begins to empty what is left of your soul. You no longer care to save the world. You can't even save yourself. Spiraling inward are the darkness and decay of depression. Then you find yourself in your bed with a bottle of sleeping pills or a razor blade and a handful of "goodbye" letters that were handwritten for your children to read upon the finding of your lifeless body. I know. It's my scars that remind me.

As an addict, the inability to stop and the using against your will are defined as lack of self discipline or renders you worthless to the bulk of the very ones whom claim to love you. What does one know of temptation? Who can say that they would be capable of walking away if they've never experienced the love of something that never judged them in return? In the beginning, you don't know that you are going to be of the "ones" who cannot use socially or still function. No one does, until they take that very first taste. But then it's too late to go back and undo that moment. Not now and not ever. Then one day you find yourself screaming inside and wishing you never knew what it was like to need it. Not wanting something, something you know will keep destroying you, but still you go back for more time and again. Knowing it's not more important to you than your life or family, but doing everything in your power to have it. That even includes abandoning the same ones that you love and leaving them to feel the same treacherous pain that jumpstarted your existence. Addiction includes alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, food, criminal excitement, money, shopping, chaos, etc. All just for the one small moment you feel "okay" again. You know it won't last, but guilt, shame, and regret are nowhere around until it's all over. Then they swoop in like vultures, ready to eat you alive. Picking your soul to pieces from the inside out. I know. It's me that they plucked those pieces from.

As a wife, the happiness that you once had believed was possible, being poured down the drain as you stare back at yourself in the mirror. Holding the ice pack to your eye and wiping the blood and tears from your face. The fear, hurt, and insecurities bringing on confusion and questions of "where you went wrong", "what you did to deserve this", and "how did you not see it coming." The fear that locks you into the relationship and keeps you held tightly to the very beast in which is devouring what is left of the rest of your hope, is enough to make you desire death daily once more. The screaming is only the beginning; just where it starts. It will only get worse from there. You've learned that first hand by now. So the positive test in your hand looks best solved by a trip to the abortion clinic than adoption. Who could bear the abuse during pregnancy, and it would crush you if they "accidentally" did something to that precious, unborn baby. After three of them and the inability to use contraceptive, all you really feel like is a murderer yourself. Except, you are killing innocent children. What sucks even more is that you wanted every single one of them. You picture their faces and find yourself hating yourself because you couldn't protect them or yourself. You never even fight back. You're a coward. You gave your other children away to save them too, but no one understood that. Whether it was to save them from you in your addiction or from the monsters that are killing you, you know it was the only way to save them. Left to pain, fear, rejection, abandonment, and the knowledge that your own children hate you because they just don't know the sacrifice you made for them. Who wants to live after that? After all of this? There is nothing worse than having to live inside someone you HATE! Someone who disgusts you because THEY did all of that to YOU! The mirror looks like a good instrument of death. You could break it and watch yourself die in it at the same time. But you don't want to die. You aren't the one responsible for what you had to do to survive or save the only ones that ever loved you unconditionally. You just want the pain to stop, and you don't understand. What did you ever do to deserve this? All you wanted was to be loved, to love someone else, to chase your dreams. How did it get like this? Are you ever going to find a way out? Then you are woken up early to get dressed and get in the truck because "today is your day..to die." You do as your told, sniveling like a child from fear and confusion. Watching them drive, you sit quietly crying under your breath in the passenger seat, doing your best not to upset them even more. You realize, this is it! You have no way out, and you are about to die. Literally. Your entire future is gone. Just like you have been begging for for decades. That's when the truth of the matter hits you like a ton of bricks. You really want to live, and you are just going to let someone else take that life from you. You have never fought back because they'd kill you, and you're a coward. Now you are going to die, but you aren't a coward. You think to yourself, "What does it matter if you piss them off enough to kill you if they're going to anyway?" So you take off your seatbelt and turn towards them. Wild-eyed and full of a fight you didn't know even existed inside of you, all the pain you have endured in life reminds you that there's nothing else that could possibly scare you or hurt you anymore anyways, and you aren't done living. Spitting mad you find yourself screaming the fire of the "feed me, fuel me, or just kill me" that's been boiling your blood for some time now, and you say, "Why wait? If you're going to do it, let's do this now! You may get me in the end, but you are going to remember me for the rest of your life. I'm going to take an eye or something! I won't die a fucking coward!" They glance over at you and giggle under their breath, and you know it's over. Instead of commencing the beating, though, they do a u-turn, and calmly state, "I don't think you'll die today." I know. That's the moment I heard my broken soul's battle cry.

If you are or have ever been standing in the midst of any of this darkness, you need to know this: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Never give up hope. It may end up being the only thing you have left, but it can save your life. Not everything nor anything is permanent, and the moment of change or opportunity is coming. Hold out for that moment. You are worth it. I know. I have finally found that value in myself.

Here I stand. I can find joy in all circumstances. I have learned how to love others and most of all myself. My soul no longer screams, and I made it out. I know what I am and what I'm NOT! No one can tell me any different. The scars remind me of just how capable and beautiful I really am.

It no longer cripples me. Now it enables me, and I can take my life and past and pour it into a fiction story. Sharing the horrors I once faced with people that are just reading for entertainment allows me to turn all of the bad into something good for a change.

coping
2

About the Creator

Star Besio-Sharp

Something's can never be said out loud. Leaves room for argument and offense. Best if you just leave the reader to their own interpretation. No response or debate required. It's my story. So I can tell it. But after that, it's YOURS!

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