8 Months Free

Free from drowning in alcohol and drugs and the constant need to party with friends. Free from the worry of where my next fix is going to come from. Free from the need to pour whiskey and diet Pepsi in a cup, then to snort a line. Free from the all-nighters which became all dayers because I was still too messed up to sleep. Free from the two-day hangovers filled with stomach rot and very high anxiety. Free from the need to do it all over again the next weekend.

I finally feel free!

When your an addict you’re never free and I never thought I would ever be. I used to think this is my life now. I loved partying, doing drugs, and hanging out with my friends. It was my way to let off steam. I had ended a marriage with a man who was no good for me. I had no clue what I was going to do next with my life, so I became this scared little girl who didn’t want to deal with any of my problems and ended up drowning them with my addictions.

Cocaine and some sort of hard alcohol became my life. It all had started before I ended my marriage. One night I started drinking with the boys cause well why not, was my thought process. They were alcoholics and always drinking anyway. They were playing video games and I joined them with my vodka in hand. Vodka is what I first started drinking all the time. We were hanging out, having fun and I felt better. My ex wasn't always the easiest guy to live with, we used to fight a lot, but I quickly noticed that when I drink I didn't care at all about how scared I was around him. I was scared of the looks he gave me and his opinions. He had a lot of opinions on what I should look like, how I should act and what I should do. So I started drinking all the time cause now I wasn’t scared of him. They call it liquid courage for a reason and I no longer was scared we would get into a fight.

Every evening I would make supper, clean up, roll smokes for both of us for the night, and some for him for work the next day. Then usually around 6 pm, I would pour myself a drink. He would already have had a beer. Well a few actually, because that was always the first thing he would ask for when he got home from work. He would come in the door and sit in our lazy boy chair (which I absolutely hate now by the way, and still have, unfortunately. Why haven't I gotten rid of it? I have no clue) and prop his legs up with his hand out for a beer. If he had none he would have went to the store before coming home and passed me them to put in the fridge before sitting down and asking, well just putting his hand out for one. So, I would join him in the living room and we would drink till we were drunk then go to bed and that's what I did every night.

After I kicked him out because I couldn't take being with him anymore it was still the same thing just more peaceful. Somewhere along the lines while he was still around I had gotten myself into coke. I had tried it before but didn't care for it, this time I fell in love with it right away. It sorta sobers you up and then I was able to keep drinking more and stay up later with friends. So I loved it. I got to the point of doing it every night with drinking. That's what my new life had become and I used to think I'm free I can do anything I want now. No worry about my ex, his temper, and our fights. I can flirt with any guy I want, I was really excited about that, having been with the same man for 10 years. But in the end, I wasn't free and was kidding myself. I was in a new relationship with addiction.

This relationship went on for another year and a half before I finally tried to leave. It was slow and hard. But you see I have a son. His name is Tyler. Where was he when this was all going down you ask. Well, that's another story for another day. A very hard one to write about since I am very ashamed of it all. Tyler was my reason to end my relationship with addiction though. I'm very grateful I have him. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have bothered to give it up.

So slowly I began taking myself away from addiction. It was so hard. I really did love all those nights with my friends. But I love my son more. Though what really broke the relationship was me, and how I felt. I woke up one morning not even hungover, sick of feeling like garbage and said that was enough. I knew that all the partying was worsening my depression and anxiety though it never stopped me, till that morning. I said enough is enough if I ever want a better life I have to quit. If I ever want to be able to wake up not depressed I have to quit. So I did, I really pushed myself hard. Stayed away from friends, ignored there calls and texts, and tried my best to stay sober. I fell every once in a while but that was to be expected. I'm not perfect and staying sober was really hard.

Slowly but surely I'm figuring it out though. I'm figuring out how to deal with my emotions and everyday life problems.

I am now 8 months free from cocaine, which I always felt was my biggest issue. I never thought I could drink without it but now I do. Not very often though, thankfully because of an amazing man I met a year and a half ago. I met him just after deciding to really get sober and he's been helping me ever since, without even really knowing it. Don't get me wrong though I didn't need him to get sober I had decided to do it on my own. I think god just decided I needed a little help along the way. I even moved to a different town for him which is what I found that helped a lot too. I don’t know where to get it here and I don't want to know. I love my new life, don't get me wrong it has its ups and downs but for the most part, I'm happy. And FREE!!