5 Things Not to Say to Someone With Depression

When you find out that someone you care about has depression it is natural to want to help. It is important to choose your words carefully when offering advice to those with depression; you may end up causing more harm than good. Here are five things that you shouldn't say to a depressed person and what you can say instead.

1. "You just need to think positively."

You may think that by telling your friend to think of positive things is helpful but in reality the words will be falling on deaf ears. Depression isn't caused by a lack of positive thinking and I can guarantee that they will have tried the whole "mind over matter" thing. It also comes across as somewhat dismissive of the seriousness of this illness and could possibly even invalidate the person's struggle.

Instead of telling them to just think positively, say something like, "reach out to me if you're stuck in a really negative thought pattern." Saying this instead will reinforce to your friend that you are there for them even when they are feeling negative. It also sounds much less dismissive and doesn't invalidate their feelings.

2. "Well at least you don't have *insert some kind of different problem*"

When you say this your intention may be to put things into perspective but all it will most likely do is make your friend feel guilty. Just because they don't have cancer or some kind of other problem doesn't mean their struggle is any less real. Guilt is one of the symptoms of depression. Your friend probably already feels bad for feeling the way they do. Telling them "at least you don't have this" insinuates that they are somehow wrong for being depressed.

Instead, reassure them that you do not blame them for their depression. Let them know that just because their disease is mental doesn't mean that it is any less serious as a physical one.

3. "I've also been kind of down lately."

You are probably saying this in order to try and build a connection and show your friend that you are trying to understand. But feeling down is not the same as depression. Everyone feels sad at some point in their lives, you can even feel very sad, but that doesn't mean you have had depression. Depression is an on-going feeling of sadness no matter the situation and is accompanied by other symptoms such as insomnia, body aches, weight loss/gain, guilt, and chronic lack of motivation. If you've never experienced clinical depression then you will never truly understand what it is like so there is no point pretending that you do.

If you have experienced depression then bringing that up can be helpful. You can be proof that it is possible to come out the other side. Keeping an open dialog will show them that they are not alone. However, if you haven't experienced depression then tell your friend that you don't fully understand what they're going through but that you will always be there for them in whatever way they need. Listen to them when they tell you what they're going through and what they need from you.

4. "You shouldn't take medication, those chemicals aren't good for your body."

This comes from a place of concern for your friend's health but understand that they will have discussed the risks with their doctor. There are a lot of myths floating around about anti-depressants but modern day SSRIs are pretty safe. The decision to take medication is between your friend and whatever medical professional they see, be that a GP or a psychiatrist.

Instead, do some research about the medication they are on and anti-depressants in general. Once you become more knowledgeable you will see that they do much more good than they do harm. If and when your friend decides to tell you that they are taking medication don't act shocked, tell them that if it makes them better then that is all that matters.

5. "Why are you depressed? Your life is great, you have no reason to be."

This is probably one of the worst things you can say to someone who is depressed. You don't need to have a horrible life full of tragedy to be depressed. Depression can affect anyone regardless of gender, race, or income. Your friend probably already feels guilty for not having a good enough reason to be depressed so don't add to that by voicing what is already going around their head.

Remind your friend that depression is a disease just like any other illness. You don't need a reason to have the flu or cancer, sometimes it just happens. Constantly tell them that you do not judge them as weak or unworthy just for having depression. Support them as they work towards getting better.

One Last Thing...

Obviously these are just suggestions and may not apply to every single person. I have written down the things that I used to dislike being told when I was depressed and things I have heard from other people with depression. The best thing you can do to help someone dealing with depression is to listen to them and support them.